My first Christmas...

[snowwhite]

I could have posted this elsewhere, but I want my post to go here. I miss my daughter more than I could ever describe. This Christmas was my first year without her and the "build-up" to getting here has been extremely rough for me and my family. She was never really given a fair chance in life, from my perspective, but maybe God had his plan with her. I just can't envision it because with her death, so many hearts were taken with her departure...and I can't find much of mine at all! She was born so perfect, but had so many problems after medical disasters and mistakes ripped her life apart, taking mine with it. But throughout her 12 years of life, she was without sin...she truly was, and I am sure that she enjoyed a closeness with Jesus that I never would have known about. She never needed or desired any gift to make her happy...just love and the basic necessities. That made her squeal with delight! She really never understood what Christmas was while on this earth, and that was always so sad for me and my family. She was so beautiful...so pure! I can't say that I've ever done anything so good in my life, except I gave birth to an ANGEL! My little Angel...now God's little Angel! I know that what I have been through is the exception in most people's lives, and I know that most people probably cringe thinking or talking about it...I know it scares most mothers...and it's much easier to talk about other things in life...such a tragedy to lose such a young child. This is just my life and I can't change what we've been through...it is real. I find it so much easier to be alone because of hurt and to do whatever I am doing now because I honestly don't know what I am doing right now or where I am going...my friends and family have been so kind though and I don't intentionally mean to shut them out and I know they know this. But I do thank God for them for caring.

No one ever deserves to lose a child, and I have truly come to realize how painful it can be to "try" to let someone go whom you love so much! I haven't been able to do this well. I even try to do my best to leave her room and her little things (that meant more to me than they did to her) untouched. I can't go in her room anyway. I haven't begun to heal the way I should. I know that! I've noticed that so many people think the healing "should" come so much more quickly, but for me it hasn't and it's not going to.

I hope that she is so happy right now because I would take every bit of pain from her to make sure that she is! She is no longer suffering on this earth, but it's hard to find any selfish consolation without her here. Anyway, I have no particular reason why I posted this except to remember my baby girl with words and not just in my constant thoughts!

...she WAS perfection in God's eyes and her heart and soul were perfection in mine! I hope that she can truly understand what Christmas means now and that she knows that I will always love her and hold her so dear to my broken heart!

[best]

So sorry to read of your loss. I can't even start to think what it may be like.

Time frame for grieving is different for each person and people I have talked with that have lost a child say it gets a little easier but it feels life long at times.
A guide to go by... the first year can be tough. If the second year doesn't seem to get better...maybe counseling would be a good idea.

Biblical truths...

Bring the little children unto me (says Jesus) She is in heaven.

Yes the best thing you have ever done... the miracle of bringing her into the world.

In heaven, there is no sorrow or pain... Every tear shall be wiped and there will be no sorrow or pain.

She is not gone from you, you have her in your memories and in your heart.
We are given our children for as long a time as God's plan sees fit. 12 years of joy and then a reunion when we reach heaven. When we get there, you can show her to me.

She is in the Lord's arms and safe from all harm. No pain. No sorrow. No tears.
Yes we miss those who leave us for heaven but we will see them again one day.

Prayers are with you.

[Grasshopper]

thoughts and prayers are with {{{you}}}}

[Jwife22]

Your post brough tears to my eyes, snowwhite because even without having children, I can feel some of your pain.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[cmc]

snowwhite,
I am so sorry for your loss, she is away in body but obviously still so close in your heart and mind. May it always be so and your sorrow be lessened with the hope of His grace and compassion. I am glad you chose to post on this forum... there are many here who offer the comfort of God. You are not ever alone in this grief. I hope you will come by again-as often as you need to share or just to 'be' with those who understand and will offer prayer on your behalf.
She is free now from all the pain and humiliations of life, living in glory full of joy and the dignity of wholeness, given by our Lord.
{{{snowwhite}}}}}
bless you,
cmc

[snowwhite]

First of all, I wanted to thank you so much for the wonderful words of comfort you all have given me when Christmas just was painfully hard on me! I can't believe I made it through it all!

CMC, yes, I do believe I came to the right area for this period in my life. Thank you so much! It's been terribly sad...so hard for me to even explain how hard! It means so much that you would offer me your prayers here, as I am positive that I need them! Jwife and Grasshopper, thank you for taking the time to offer me your prayers and support, too! I am more appreciative than you could ever know! I am grateful that you would be so welcoming to me here!

Since Christmas has passed, I have felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulders, though I still am fighting to get through not having my little girl with me. That will be a struggle for me still, I know. But for the past three months, it's been really terrible for me! As I said, I still have so far to go. The build-up to get to the holidays was way much harder than I ever expected, so I do welcome the relief of me having gotten through it. Three months I felt the pain coming inside me much stronger as if I were reliving it all. I just only wanted to be alone during this time.

Best, when I read your words, I came here and I had tears streaming down my cheeks...your words were so profound for me!! When you wrote "Bring the little children unto me (says Jesus) She is in heaven" I can tell you that I just choked up...what you wrote was so poignant for me!

I was here the day you all responded to my post, but I was so taken aback from your love and acceptance, that it took me THIS LONG to reply! So I didn't want any of you to think that I wasn't appreciative, but I just couldn't get the words to come out of me that I needed to say to you! I still will probably fall short of how much I could tell you the impact you all have on me for being so wonderfully kind!

Best, when you told me that when we get there I can show my daughter to you...that was one of the sweetest things in the world you could say to me, too! I KNOW I have fallen short of what I "need" to be...this whole nightmare took a hold of me the day my daughter was medically injured, and I haven't been the same since. It's been a very difficult path for me, like something I only would watch on television. I just don't have the words to tell you how much I "felt" when I came here and read what you posted just for me! I even thought about finding a way to cut out part of your post and placing it in some type of waterproof frame that I could set by her grave, if I could only pull myself to go back again! It's just terribly sad to look at the gravestone and to see my child's name staring right back at me...so I've found myself having a hard time going there. It may not seem like much to you as you would think, but what you said was just beautiful and so comforting to me! Also, thank you for making me feel better about what I am going through.

I want you ALL to know that, again, I am so appreciative for all your kind words. When I have helped someone whom I've never seen and know that I will never know if I had any impact on that person's life, I have to know in my heart that I did touch their lives. Well, the DAYS it took me to respond were ONLY a result of the IMPACT you all DID have on my life! The words just WOULDN'T come to me because I was SO touched! I was just so overwhelmed with all the compassion you showed me! I just had to take a couple of steps back and to give myself some time to ingest it all, for your love was so meaningful for my life and all the pain I've been feeling...just lost and all alone! As I hope you know, don't think that ANY thing you do or say in life goes unnoticed! It certainly wasn't unnoticed by me...I was just speechless!

Thanks for your prayers and love! If not for tomorrow (I never know how I will feel some days), at least I know I have gained some strength for today and for the past couple of days from all your support that has helped me cope for the time being...knowing that you have taken the time to reach out to me! Unfortunately, that's how I have to live right now...day by day...but any bit of hope and inspiration I get certainly means the world to me!

[best]

Originally Posted by snowwhite

I still will probably fall short of how much I could tell you the impact you all have on me for being so wonderfully kind!

I have never been told thank you in such a wonderful way as how your reply has touched me. You have not fallen short one bit.
Though I typed the post, the love and message you may see in it is from the Lord, I am but the one who delivered it. His guidance brought me to your post.
The love I see in your post for your daughter is what had me say...when we reach heaven, you can show her to me. She must be one special little girl and you are a wonderful loving mom. Such people I would always want to meet.

Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself and your life with me.
That special peace. The peace that transends all understanding.
I pray that your every moment becomes filled with such peace.

[cmc]

CMC, yes, I do believe I came to the right area for this period in my life. Thank you so much! It's been terribly sad...so hard for me to even explain how hard! It means so much that you would offer me your prayers here, as I am positive that I need them!

snowwhite,
You are more than welcome! He guides us to where we need to be and to where others need us to be as well. There is never a need to apologize here for responding when you can...or for responding at all. It is wonderful though, to realize just how much your coming to this forum has helped you. That's what we do. We love and help each other along during trials and better times too.
Sometimes I need to take a moment, day or more to fully gather my thoughts, just as you did after posting here. It's a good sign to be able to take a deep look inside and face what is there. I know that things will get better for you, there are many here on SR who have lost loved ones too. Here is a forum on grief and loss that you may wish to visit.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/
Here is another link for parents who have lost a child, it's called Compassionate Friends.
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/
For you right now, it's been a short while and the milestones of special days or events in your daughter's life are bound to be difficult. We are here for you and don't forget that when you share your story, you are helping others who may read and identify with you. In my sorrow I can offer comfort to others.
Another thing I wanted to add about you saying that you 'fall short.' We all do, and that's the whole point of our faith- He does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. He gives us eternal life through Jesus our Lord.
You seem like a wonderful and loving mother... that is far from falling short in my book. I'm a mom too and have never lost a child...but have come close to it several times as two of my kids have had serious health problems. I can only imagine how it must feel for you, but do have a limited understanding.
I hope you will take some time to ready the stickys at the top of our forum page. There is alot of good info and many inspirational messages that I'm sure will bring comfort and healing to your soul.
I also hope you will make yourself at home here with us, there's always room for another friend!
God bless you,
cmc

[deedee]

(((snow)))

I have always found the build-up to special days much harder than the actual day. Your love shines bright for your daughter and I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. I believe she's smiling down upon you and hope you find peace in knowing you will be together again.

love & prayers ~

deedee

[snowwhite]

Best, I have written that it felt like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders since I made it through Christmas, but I probably should have said a little more about that. When I came here and read your post, especially when I got to the part about you telling me she was with Jesus...though I've been told that before, in a more generic way, yes...but when you told me specifically about Jesus saying "Bring the Children unto me" and that she is in Heaven...well, you REALLY really brought some change and hope into my heart for her that I haven't really experienced on that level in any way. I bet I read your post 10 times early that morning and cried each time! Yes, I have contributed some of my relief to the basic fact of Christmas being over, and that may well be so, but reading your words is when some of the pain began to lift, as much as it can for now. Had you not taken the time to post what was in your heart, I could not be so sure if I would have had any peace in my heart at all today! And not to undermine the other posts, they too helped me so much! But I don't think this relief was a coincident at all, not in any way! And with my lack of hope for myself after all this, the fact that you would even tell me that I am good enough to get into heaven so that I can see her and can show her to you spoke mountains to me!

I was brought up in the church, but when my daughter got sick, I know that my heart blamed God for “allowing” (though not causing) this to happen. It’s not a nice thing to say, but it’s only how I felt. I do feel guilty about having felt this way for years. I have changed my opinion about that a lot now because I have seen ways that God has tried to help me, but I have felt undeserving despite any blessings I’ve received and haven’t accepted all of them the way I should have. It’s really so easy to feel this way when a mother can’t fix her child, at least it was for me. Every time I have tried to take her to church in the past, even after all those years I practically lived in the church and truly practiced my beliefs, I would burst into tears, always knowing that she wasn’t meant to be the way she was. My body was overtaken by the pain I endured every day of my life since her injuries. I had to get up and leave because I was in so much distress and didn’t want to disrupt the congregation. I know I am/was welcome always, but being in the church brought out something so difficult for me to handle...maybe it was because I wasn’t dealing with it properly and because I just held in so much of how I felt...I just became so overwrought with pain...not sure but it always happened. So I quit going to church at all after I had these experiences. Now I am scared of what it would be like for me right now. I really don’t believe I blame God anymore though. I am grateful for the fact that He has blessed me in other ways. It’s just difficult to know that my child wasn’t blessed in the way that I saw other children being blessed, though I know in the long run the best blessing of all is that she IS in heaven. It’s very difficult for me to explain.

CMC, I do feel so welcome here and it is because of people like you who have open arms to want people to feel the love and compassion you have for them. I have gotten a lot of support on other forums here, but I believe that right now was time for me to move elsewhere when it comes to talking about my daughter, and I am so happy that I did!! This year, I came back to SR the night my daughter died, when *I* had to make the awful decision to take her off life support, and I received so much love that it was amazing! It’s just that now that some time has passed, and well, I feel it’s best for me to discuss her here, as I’ve discovered (or even in the grieving area). Besides, this is the place where I KNOW my daughter deserves to be honored by me! Like you said, I am so lucky to have found some people here who know what I have been through! Some have come and gone, but I have a few people here in particular who have truly been a blessing to me throughout all of this. Our situations are different, but they have stuck by me throughout my ordeals and I am so grateful to have met such wonderful individuals. It truly means so much to me for you to ask me to stay around here. I know I need to be here, too! Something within me is looking for the same peace that you others have. Thanks so much for the links, also. I promised a couple of people that I would contact compassionate friends and I have yet to do that...but I am planning to do so once I feel the time is ready for me. I heard it was a wonderful group! Thanks for reminding me. I’m so absent minded lately and I am glad you mentioned it to me! You are such a precious person to make me feel so welcome here! I will go and read some of the stickys above! I read a couple in the grief section and they helped me understand why I was feeling so “crazy” about everything. I really was so close to and so protective of my daughter and the loss has been tremendous. I originally posted recently in the Christian area because my heart was so heavy, and mostly I wanted to pay tribute to my child around Christmas. But I DO feel I was guided here because I “need” to find more comfort in my Christian beliefs that I have lost along the way...years of turning away that I need to get back. I guess so many nights I did pray for God to work His wonders on my child, and I became frustrated because my prayers were never answered...at least not in the way I wanted them to be. I used to take my daughter from state to state trying to find anything that would help her heal from the mistakes that were made on her. But nothing worked...nothing despite my efforts and prayers. One thing that really upset me a long time ago was when my mother talked me into taking my daughter to a preacher who was supposedly a “healer” through Jesus. Although I do not doubt such powers, I have never believed in this man, as the first two hours+ his whole sermon was about collecting money. Plus, he’s been exposed for being a fraud, and I believe it’s completely true, especially after I sat through a portion of his so-called sermon. Then one of his “people” came up to me and told me that the reason my daughter had physical problems and God hadn’t healed her was because of ME since she could “tell” that I was angry with God! I looked at her and told her that I didn’t believe that God would be so cruel as to make a little, innocent child suffer because a mother might not be able to accept what’s been dealt to her child! I got up and walked out. That helped destroy my faith at that time even more so! I believe it was a very cruel thing to tell me when I had lain awake night after night worrying, crying all because of every day we had a new obstacle to overcome, and every day of my life centered around any needs she might have, going anywhere to find answers or anything to help improve her condition. It was amazingly difficult and broke my soul about as low as I think it could go! I guess you would know how I feel when it comes to that...when you are feeling like you are pushing full speed day after day to nurse your child back to health. It’s very trying. However, I am so happy that your children pulled through though! It breaks my heart to hear of any mother going through a portion of what I have. It truly is a nightmare! I never realized how much I could love a child!!! My life was changed so much when she was born. She became my number one concern and it was a scary feeling to know that if something ever happened to her that I would have such a difficult time carrying on, IF I could. Anyway, I could tell a million stories about what we went through... But I want to thank you so much for opening your arms to me! You just don’t KNOW how much you help me when you offer so much of yourself and when you are willing to take your time to share your love and your prayers with me! I do really feel grateful for your compliments and your help!

Deedee, I have not forgotten the time you jumped in to offer me your love and prayers right after my daughter died. I will always appreciate and remember that, those days when I could barely get out of bed! You have such a kind heart and thank you for reminding me that my daughter is looking down on me! Like I said, I am doing better with the pain since I made it through the “first” Christmas...it’s amazing how it built up so strongly over the last three months of the year! I just don’t have the ambition or drive I used to have right now though (which I did read was normal somewhat). I lost that a long while ago anyway. Maybe it will come back to me! I know that being here does offer me so much that I just can’t give to myself!! Thank you for being such a dear heart!

Sorry for such a long post! I am bad at taking up a lot of space! To end, I do want to wish you ALL a very Happy New Year. My husband was supposed to be here and we were going to have a quiet night together, but he had an emergency call to have to go into work (vandalism and theft), so I won’t see him until tomorrow. It’s okay though. We weren’t doing anything special. This holiday is not hard for me at all...it was the latter that made me feel like I was going to break down. Thank you for helping me make it through and trying to help me sort out so many of my feelings! Happy New Year to you all and many blessings to you, too!!!

[best]

I would like to agree with you about cmc and deedee. They both have lifted my spirits a time or two as well.

Of the things you posted about. I see you have thought through and figured out what is what in many areas. I would just like to repeat a thing or two so it will be reinforced in us both.

Guilt, blame, hurt, pain... God "Fully" understands our human ways. He created us. Just as you want every good thing for your daughter and were willing to do (and did) all that you could for her... Jesus loves each of us the same way. He wants us to gather every blessing that is available to us. Guilt free and forgiven.

Good enough to get into heaven?
That is something I am not. None of us are.
Only through the love of Jesus and accepting His love can I get into heaven.
Your acceptance and my acceptance of His "free" gift of love (free to all who ask)...Yes we will see each other as we stand in His glory as your daughter is doing right now. Yes we will see heaven because Jesus tells us so.

A thought I just now had...

Words to a song... Shall I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still?

I have a vision in my thoughts of a little girl with a Huge smile saying...Wanna see me dance again Lord?
Even from heaven, she is filling me with such joy.

[snowwhite]

Yes, Best, you all have lifted my spirits when it comes to my daughter! It's really amazing.

I don't really blame myself for having so many of the emotions that I have had and have now...it's just "how" I was unable to cope in a more positive way with what my daughter went through that makes me feel the worst. I gave up on about everything in my life but her for so many years! Everything that happened to her was pain beyond what I could have ever imagined happening to her (and to me), and it was pain that could have been prevented time and time again. I just couldn't understand "why" us. Day after day life has been an unfathomable struggle and I couldn't fully accept that and probably never completely will.

I love your vision of seeing my daughter dancing for the Lord. Ironically since you mentioned that, I never told you that she was unable to walk despite our utmost efforts, which led to the deepest, unexplainable sorrow for me. Such has always been one of my deepest wishes for me to see! ...I think I would fall over if/when I get to see her do that for me!

[cmc]

snowwhite,
I'm glad to hear that you don't blame yourself for how you handled this tragedy. You are wise to realize that most of us just do the very best we can, and that is all we can ever demand of ourselves.
When my pain is great, I am forced to be more compassionate with 'me' or I would crumble under the pressure. To me it's a form of survival.
Those 'why us' questions I wonder about too, and I do know that He is a good God and one thing for sure is that nobody else can ever help another with the same understanding unless they truly experience that same pain. That is what Jesus did when he took the form of a man, and experienced the pain and guilt of the whole world upon the cross. He knows us.
Maybe when you are able, you may want to read some books on the why of suffering in this life. There are many good ones to choose from in the Christian bookstores. Philip Yancey is a good author and wrote "Where Is God When It Hurts?" Joni Eareckson Tada also wrote a good one called "When God Weeps." I have read both of these books a couple of times and they helped me alot.
Take care, and I hope you will keep posting whenever you need to.

[BigSis]

(((Snowwhite))).... just loving hugs.

[snowwhite]

Thank you, BigSis and CMC, so much! I am sorry I haven't been here this week, but I've just been so numb and lifeless to everything this week, trying to find a purpose. It gets scary for me. I hope I can get through this. One day I feel stronger, and then I feel much weaker. The "stronger" days aren't even where they should be.

I wanted to check in and to thank you two for your sweetness! Please keep me in your prayers, as I need so many! There has to be more to life than what I am feeling lately!

Love to you all!