A 5th step in May 2000

[toad]

I first married at the age of thirty-nine. I married a woman who already had three children, one lived with his grandfather, another with his father, and one daughter was at home. Evelynn died of an overdose in 1995, one son committed suicide in 1991, and my step-daughter has been missing since 1995. I had no children of my own. This gives you some background on my married and family life. Actually this story starts in 1969, I came home from Vietnam the year before, went to Indiana State the fall of 1968 and the spring of 1969, and then moved back home to Kansas City in the winter of 1969. I met a beautiful young woman named Kathy, and we started living together in December of 1969. We lived together for nine months and I called the relationship off. She was six months pregnant. What a selfish act that was, I knew it was wrong, but I was thinking only of myself. My self-centered nature was manifesting itself. It later became the prime motivator for my life of alcoholism and addiction. Kathy went to live with friends and after the baby was born she moved to San Francisco. Word got back to me that the baby had been born dead, that it had too much fluid on its lungs. I felt responsible for the death because of the emotional pain and stress that I had put on Kathy by leaving her in such a time of great need. I never had any children of my own, and felt I that God realized that I allowed one child to die, so therefore I could not be trusted with anymore. For twenty-nine years I carried this burden, which was the result of a decision I had made to leave Kathy, when she was pregnant.

Now for the rest of the story, in 1998 after many years of drug and alcohol abuse, I surrendered to a loving God who welcomed me with open arms. In AA part of our program involves a 5th Step which says, we “admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” In the year 2000 with a year and nine months clean and sober, I met with my sponsor to do a fifth step. For the first time in my life I confessed for my part in the death of the child. I truly repented and God forgave me.

Three weeks later I am in Kansas City and I call home to Mountain Grove to get my phone messages. I have one message from my uncles niece that says that My daughter is looking for me. Thinking that it was my step-daughter, I call the niece and she says that it is the girl that they told me was born dead. I almost fell over, it was Sunday June 18th 2000, Fathers Day. I had a number to call and it was a Kansas City number, I called. I talked to Cheri my daughter for the first time. Within three hours we met for the first time and shared of each others life. She had been trying to locate me for over a year. I also had a grandson Brett who was six. Since then Cheri has given birth to two more grandsons, Jacob and Joshua. I got to hold both of them the day they were born. What a wonderful experience. We have grown close over the last six years. She or my grandsons have never seen me drink or use. Today I don’t want to go back to my old way of living. I believe in my heart that when I truly repented of leaving Kathy when she was six months pregnant, God worked a miracle in my life. Today I am a father, and grandfather, life has a new meaning. I am so grateful that I was sober. God is doing for me what I could not do for myself…………………….JRE

[cmc]

A daughter and three grandchildren!!! What a blessing... thank you for sharing your life with us,Toad! You are blessed.

[best]

Just as Job lost his family... God gave him back even more.

I hope that some place along in you travels that someone pointed out to you....
Even if you stayed with Kathy such things could still have happened.
You sure carried around a heavy bag of guilt.

As I sat in the third row from the back at church on the first Sunday in Nov, 1998... it was a communion Sunday. I made a choice at that moment... Lord, I will no longer be the hypocrite I was of my youth. I won't be like those I had seen in my youth either. I will not partake of Your supper, even if I am the only one sitting here that doesn't partake. When such a time that I know I am forgiven for my sins..All of them..Yes even that one Lord...at that point I will partake. I will not eat and drink in an unworthy manner. I give up my pride and am not careing what others may think at this moment.
I was not expecting an answer and was ready to wait for an answer to come at some time in the future.
At that moment...that very moment... I felt such a warmth that I can only be explain as hands around my heart. Warm loving hands holding my heart that said...You are forgiven...Yes even that sin.
I stood up and I felt so light. I felt like I had a giant bag lifted off my shoulder. A bag that was so big, it dragged the ground. Jesus took that bag of guilt from me. I have not seen it since.

Your sins are forgiven. Yes! Every last one of them...even "that" one. The one you thought no one would ever forgive you for.


Toad my brother and friend,

Thank you for being the Lord's tool that brought me back to the place I first believed.

[best]

didn't mean to thank myself.

[sugarssweetpea]

Toad,
Thank you so much for sharing with us. You are truely blessed. That is an awesome testimony. It brought tears to my eyes. I am always truely amazed at how God works in our lives. Truely amazed & truely grateful.

[toad]

Originally Posted by best

Just as Job lost his family... God gave him back even more.

I hope that some place along in you travels that someone pointed out to you....
Even if you stayed with Kathy such things could still have happened.
You sure carried around a heavy bag of guilt.

As I sat in the third row from the back at church on the first Sunday in Nov, 1998... it was a communion Sunday. I made a choice at that moment... Lord, I will no longer be the hypocrite I was of my youth. I won't be like those I had seen in my youth either. I will not partake of Your supper, even if I am the only one sitting here that doesn't partake. When such a time that I know I am forgiven for my sins..All of them..Yes even that one Lord...at that point I will partake. I will not eat and drink in an unworthy manner. I give up my pride and am not careing what others may think at this moment.
I was not expecting an answer and was ready to wait for an answer to come at some time in the future.
At that moment...that very moment... I felt such a warmth that I can only be explain as hands around my heart. Warm loving hands holding my heart that said...You are forgiven...Yes even that sin.
I stood up and I felt so light. I felt like I had a giant bag lifted off my shoulder. A bag that was so big, it dragged the ground. Jesus took that bag of guilt from me. I have not seen it since.

Your sins are forgiven. Yes! Every last one of them...even "that" one. The one you thought no one would ever forgive you for.


Toad my brother and friend,

Thank you for being the Lord's tool that brought me back to the place I first believed.

It's alright......go ahead and thank yourself..............

I want to say that the your sharing of your experience has brought about some self-examination in myself also...........spiritual progress to me means daily looking inward so as to better see outward to others. Also my inner and outer vision of God becomes clearer as I and He remove defects of character that hinder me being of useful purpose to Him........toad

[toad]

Originally Posted by sugarssweetpea

Toad,
Thank you so much for sharing with us. You are truely blessed. That is an awesome testimony. It brought tears to my eyes. I am always truely amazed at how God works in our lives. Truely amazed & truely grateful.

Thank you......I am humbled by your response......jre