i lost it again

[sugarssweetpea]

I have no control over the class that I teach on Wed nights. We are 11 weeks into it & I have never had class control. I have up to 17 kids in my class. A mixture of boys and girls. The boys do not listen at all. Tonight there were only 6 boys & 3 girls, but I still could not get them to listen. They were jumping over tables, running around the room, throwing food and such. It is the same every week. The director of the program even talked to them. I walked out tonight. THe director was standing outside the door talking to one of the kids' parents & I walked out & said I was done. I feel bad about that, but I cannot handle it anymore. I am teaching my step daughters class, so now I am letting her down as well. I got home and my husband was not here to talk to & my 3 year old yelled and slammed the door in my 1 year olds face & I lost it. I spanked him 3 times & yelled at him. I said a lot of things that I should not have. He has now heard words he has never heard before. I am at my wits end. I have so mych anger, anxiety & frustration & I really do not know what to do about it. I sometimes really wonder if I truely do have Jesus in my heart. He would not act this way. I am supposed to be filled with the fruit of the Holy Spirit, not going into the ER with heart palpitations like I did 2weeks ago which they diagnosed was due to stress and anxiety. I told my child that I was not raising him to be like those boys tonight & that he was being bad & acting just like them with his choices. I know I said things that hurt him. The really bad thing is that he is now old enough to remember it. I cannot do this anymore. I truely cannot.

[best]

Rules and boundries... Holding them both firm...every time.
Such is the way we can maintain control.
As we grow, we gain understanding and learn how to do certain things.

I have grown and have learned.. 12 year olds and above I can deal with. Under 12...it isn't in my nature to work with such age children. I do not have the skills required to keep control of that age children.

Purpose Driven Life

... I found my shape (skills and where I fit) Young children are not it.
It doesn't mean I am unwise or a poor teacher...it just happens that I don't fit certain aged classrooms.
Ed Young from Winning Walk Ministries put out a tape series about raising children. It is a wonderful resource that is filled with much insight. Even after listening and putting the things I learned from it into action... I still found that one on one...I do ok... a whole group at certain ages... I need grow more and stay away till I do.(if I do)

The emotions hurt when we try something and find we may not fit...
Evaluate things and see if we are alike in this way. If you step aside and another fills in...maybe working as an assistant or helper for the new person can allow you the pleasure of working with your daughter and you may also find a good mentor that can help you grow and learn.

If you find you don't fit... standing aside is the right thing to do.
If you find that you don't fit... It doesn't make you a lesser person.
Finding out things about ourself lets us know our shape and how we may better use what skills and talents we are given and have.

1 Corinthians 12:28
And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different kinds of tongues.

Ephesians 4:11
It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers,

It is tough finding out where we may fit (where and what our gifts are) Don't look at this evening as a place of failure...look at it as a crossroad of learning and growing.

[gimmeid]

I'm a single dad- sober a year and have problems with my temper. Stood up in a meeting told everyone I was an abusive *******, found a christian counselor, got baptised, talked to my sponsor, and still I have my temper.
This deal is an inside job. God's not going to snap His fingers and take my free will or my circumstances away. Believe me, I've tried. If I ever convince Him to see things my way, I'll let yall know.
It doesnt have anything to do with being saved or not. It's about growth. Slow and painful growth. He wont lower the bar, but He will train me to jump it, if I believe He has my best interests at heart.
What I believe keeps many from a faith that works in day to day life, and sends some away all together, is the demand for instant gratification we found in drinking, gets transferred to God. We expect Him to satisfy in some magical way that whatever it is that we got from drinking, on the spot. If we could just hold our tongues in our cheeks just the right way...
If God took away all my difficulties with anger, etc., just like that, without me having to grow and continue to trust Him to see me through it, what would it be worth to the person who has spent a lifetime diligently seeking Him?
Kinda like if God dropped me a million bucks outta heaven, what would it be to the feller who's parents were dilligent in instilling principal and disipline, who went on in good stewardship of these things, and slowly and surely reaped their due reward of financial security? I see all the issues of life after that patern.
One thing I have been doing which has helped, is when I hit my knees at night, I begin asking for the things I lack for my daughter. Patience, tolerance, kindness, love, gentleness,. I cannot instill what I do not have to give her, and outside of God and recovery, she would learn from me and be the same as me.
The funny thing is, as I pray, and ask for God to give her these things which she will need and I cannot of myself provide, I start looking and seeing these things in her. Bit by bit. And as I look for and see these good things and appreciate them, I find them growing bit by bit in me.
No easy answers, hang in there, smacking your kid and spitting out an expletive is not the end of the world. Especially if it's been building up.
Let it go and forgive yourself when you feel better, if you hold it against yourself as some kind of maudeline guilt or self-punishment, how will you be able to try handling it better next time?