Happy Mother's Day

[snowwhite]

I wanted to come to this area for the first time because I felt it was appropriate to post this here. But I wanted to send all my love and blessings especially to all you mother's who've lost a child. I am having a hard time today, my first Mother's Day without my child, and I wanted to let you know that you all are really in my hearts. (Your love and support helps get me out of bed some days when I feel I can't, like today, for example!) I hope that time helps heal any pain you are feeling. Also, just to all you mothers in general, Happy Mother's Day! I hope that you will always be blessed with the love of your children. Thanks for reading!

Love,
Snow

[namommy]

(((((((((snow)))))))))

Happy mothers day to you too. Thanks.

[Nina Kay]

How sweet of you Snow, to show your care for other Mothers while you are going through the worst Mother's Day of your life. I am so glad that you still have one beautiful daughter to love and who needs you. I know of one Mother that is my friend that lost her 16 yr. old son and has no other children. Mother's Day for her is dreadful, I'm sure. I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.

[snowwhite]

Thanks Namommy. I hope you had a great day! And Nina, you certainly have been through so much yourself. Thanks for being a friend and for being there for me! I hope you have so much peace and happiness in your life (both of you)! Well, I made it through my first Mother's Day without her! I just tried not to think about her today...it was just too hard. I certainly know how your friend feels! It's so rough!

Love,
Snow

[margo]

(((((((Snow))))))) Happy Mothers Day to you too, sweetie. I know this must have been a hard day for you, and you are so thoughtful to post good wishes to the other moms too.

[snowwhite]

Sweet Margo. Sadly, it seems like everyday is still so hard for me, but this board and all the people here have done so much to try to help me, too! I wish I could "snap" out of this though, but I just can't! I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel lost! :-(

[margo]

(((((Snow))))) I don't think you should expect yourself to "snap" out of it after losing your child. It's a loss that's going to take a while to adjust to and try to come to terms with. I think it's a miracle that you can even get up and get through a day. Losing a child is the most devastating loss a person can experience and my heart goes out to you. Is there a support group in your area for parents who have suffered a loss like yours? Your doctor's office might know where you can find one, or you could check with agencies such as United Way. It would probably help to spend time with others who can truly relate to what you're going through. Sending prayers and hugs for you, Snow.

[snowwhite]

Thanks, Sweet Margo. Well, my friend called two places for me. I am going to call at least one of them back this week, but like you said, I don't even feel like leaving this house and many days getting out of bed even go to get help for myself. It's like I just am hiding in my own misery and that's the only way I can deal with this. I just want to be alone. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe I am just punishing myself or maybe I just hurt. I don't know. Some people would be breaking their necks to seek help right now, but not me. I suppose I am abnormal, but I am so angry, hurt, lost, etc. It's just been a hard, long road and I don't have the energy to do much of anything except the basics to get by. Thanks for all your love and your concern! This place is my best outlet right now because I can post my thoughts and everyone has been so understanding and kind. I know I need more, but I am just buying time right now until I decide what way I want to get through this.

[margo]

Dear Snow - grief is a process and everyone goes through it differently. Sure, some may be breaking their necks for help, others may not be able to get out of bed. It takes time and tears and bad days and not so bad days. Forward a little, back a little, and forward again. Everything you are feeling is very normal, Snow, so please, for goodness sake, don't beat yourself up about it. I think it's wonderful that you're thinking about calling one of the groups your friend found for you, and when you're ready you'll make the call. You are in my thoughts, dear heart. May God bless you with comfort and strength. You are in my prayers.

[snowwhite]

You make me feel so loved, Margo! You are a sweet angel! I have NEVER in my life had so much support as this board has given me just recently! I am so used to being criticized, it feels, but EVERYONE has been full of love and understanding and has offered so much support! I need that so much right now!!! I just can't handle being beat down right now, not even online. The peacefulness of being able to post my thoughts has been so therapeutic for me!! I know I still need to see people face-to-face, but that will come when I am able. But no matter how my life turns out, I will forever be grateful for people like you who have taken the time to reach out to touch me!

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to try to call this very nice lady who's left me two messages already about helping me cope. She sounded so sweet. The other group, I believe, will probably get me in contact with another mother who had a child who had special needs like my daughter and then lost him/her, so I really feel that this may be therapeutic for me, also. Just like when I come here, I need empathy...someone who's been through some of the things I've been through. A mother who's been through what I have been though would be something that I would embrace. I am very selective on what works for me, and I know that another mother who's been through this would help me. I could never really get help from a mother dealing with the needs of a special needs child; it only depressed me and made me realize that there's so much unnecessary suffering in the world...so I ditched that idea a long time ago after trying it many times. But it's different now..so this all is a good idea from my perspective.

I am still trying to hang on and have so much to deal with right now. I still haven't fully accepted the fact that she is gone. Just a couple of nights ago, for example, I almost walked into her room to check on her. God, I miss her so much!!! I can't believe that she was stripped from my life! So far, I have had three sad dreams about her, and in each dream, I have "lost" her or can't find her, like someone has abducted her or like I go to my car and she's disappeared completely. Although it may not sound that bad, while I am dreaming this, I am very upset, and I wake up in a cold sweat after these dreams. I hate those types of dreams! I only want to see my precious child walking in heaven, if I am going to dream about her, not these depressing, restless dreams! In fact, I had one of these terrible dreams for Mother's Day! What an inappropriate time for my mind to encounter this!

Well, I wanted to say hello again and to thank you for your love, compassion, and your advice. I am so appreciative!!! I had written a lot more to you, but I cut it from my post it because it was just to much to send to anyone on a Monday! I saved it though, so maybe I'll post it later. Anyway, I am sending lots of love and many blessings your way! And I AM going to take you up on your ideas about getting help...I will drag myself to do it if I have to. No matter how hard it is for me to get up and to move, even if takes me a couple of weeks, I will seek help through one of these groups. Thanks so much for telling me that I need to take my time...I can't hear this enough!!!


Love to you always!
Snow

[my brother]

Snow,

Thank you so much for posting this, especially when you are struggeling with your loss. We had mothers day in England a little while ago now in March but it was my mothers first one without her son...he died in January so it was still very raw for her. We just tried to make it a bearable for her as we could.

I know she found that day so hard and I could see her pain. I am so sorry you have had to go through the same pain along with so many mothers. I can only imagine how it must feel to lose a child.

Margo is right, there is no reason you should try and snap out of anything...I am learning the hard way that you should take as much time as you need to think and go through your greiving process. Don't rush anything. I know that it is only now I am beginning to see glimpses of my mother returning and I never once wished it had come sooner.

Thinking of you and your family
Lucie
xx

[snowwhite]

Lucie,
I am sorry I never replied until now. I hadn't gone to the "cafe" area and didn't notice your nice post to me. I am SO SORRY for you and your mom! I KNOW how hard it is for her and you, too. I know you are being a great support to your mom and she will always cherish that! In the beginning, I felt like I was a minority in having lost my angel, but I see that so many mother's have been through the same torture as I have. That deeply saddens me still! But it does give us all a glimpse of what it feels like and why we feel the way we do for so long. I hope that you and your family can find some peace and I know you will always remember your brother with so much love. My love and prayers go out to you and your family!

Love,
Snow