Any Advice Appreciated

[justangie]

I have a daughter who will be 16 on July 13th. We were having alot of problems with her when she was 14. sneaking out her window and running off with her older brother(the addicted brother).. Once he was locked up (13 months that time) she calmed down a lil. During this time my dad who I trust his opinion suggested if we would let her go to the movies with a boy then this would prevent the problem we were having. EEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!
I was like but dad shes only 14.....we(hubby and I) had no intentions of allowing her to date untill 16 then double date. Well to make a long story short we let her date. This relationship we "assumed" would last briefly after all she was 14. Well now shes almost 16 and the boy has turned 18. The 17th of this month they have been seeing each other for 1 1/2 years. heres my problem (besides now hes 18) I have founnd out that he is verbally abusing her and very controlling.She has put on 40 pounds during this relationship. This from a child whos been through aneroxia and belemia.

I find that she comfort eats after talking (arguing) with him on the phone.

Seeing that this has way outlasted what we thought it would....how do I now stop it in a way that dosen't devestate her. I can not allow her to become a stastic. this has to be stopped. I was watching a talk show the other day and they said according to stastics.. 1 out of ever 2 teen girls are being either physically or emotionally abused by their boyfriends.

When I try to talk to her she just says you don't understand mom. (yeah right)

I realize now yes i messed up by allowing this to start with. Maybe I should calll dad and tell him to fix it grrrrrrrrrrrr. Kicking my own a$$ for listening to him to start with.

[best]

I would sit down with the young man and tell him my feelings straight up.
Man to man. (something her dad should do) Maybe have my shotgun out and cleaning it at the time *LOL* OK seriously...I would talk direct to the young man and set boundaries and enforce them fully. He is 18 and that would mean jail time if things happen as they can.
I would set boundaries with both of them listening as well. With both being told at the same time there will be no excuse...well he didn't know and I forgot to tell him.

[OVERIT]

Well, like Best said, sit down and talk to the "boy".

She is 16 right? You are still her parents. Lay down the law sweetie!

She'll hate you for it, but it might save her life.

xoxoxoxoxo

Ang

[justangie]

Thanks Best and Ang, Thats pretty much what hubby and I had discussed as first option before kicking him to the curb. He comes to our house on Wednesday nights. So I know whats gonna be going on in my house that night. Poor boy.lol

[best]

My oldest boy was dating a girl 2 years his younger. Go to find out that her dad and I were in school together and once her parents realized who he was, "they" invited him to Sunday dinner the same day I was going to tell my son he better think twice about things.

[karlofthenorth]

I know that if someone was physicaly, emotional, verbaling abusing my daughter we would have a seriuos talk about how you treat a women (girl, in this case) and considering the relationship has been going on for a year and a half it was no surprise when he turned 18 so maybe the parents should've sat down with the two of them BEFORE he turned 18 and had a parent to child discussion. I have two adopted daughters (19 and 15, been their Dad 11 years now) and unfortunately the older had a baby in High school. Guess why?? Me drinking and drugging and not paying attention. But one thing is true, he knows he must treat her right or there is hell to pay and they are still together almost 3 years now. As stubborn as kids are these days, I am afraid you have a tough job ahead of you. You DO need help from Dad!! Good luck, God bless, karlofthenorth

[OVERIT]

Good luck JustAngie!!!!! Do let us know how it goes.

xoxoxoxo

Ang

[justangie]

I had a talk with him before they staretd dating...seems that fell on deaf ears I also had a talk with his dad and stepmom and told them if he had sex with her I would press charges that was before first date. As far as her dad..(shaking head) lets just say I had to have the sex talk with our 2 sons. That tell ya anything.

[best]

Sex talk with sons is different then protecting my little girl.
Even if you do "all" the talking, his just sitting there will speak volumes.
Sons can protect themself (dad thoughts here) My daughter better not be messed with or there will be hell to pay.
Thing is the more I learned, the more I realized that protecting my daughter started when she was little as I let her know dad would be there always, when or if needed.
His just sitting there as you talk would say many things to them both.
Use what is available to the fullest.

[cece1960]

I agree with whats been said...make your point and go straight to the source of the problem.
But I also think that you need to re-inforce your daughter. The only way to protect our kids against abuse is to somehow get it in their heads that they're worth more, worth better, and should not under any circumstances accept this behavior. As long as they think its ok, there will be another guy around the corner ready to pick up where this one leaves off.
Sadly, the 18 y/o is most likely repeating behaviors he's seen/heard/witnessed. They think they know so much at that age and they're practically babies, but SO cabable of causing harm. Scary, no?
I would give talking to the boy a shot, then keep instilling the message on my daughter. As much as I agree with protecting our kids, I'd rather see them learn to protect themself...boy or girl