Parenting a pre-teen daughter

[janeeyre]

I know some of you have daughters who are a few years ahead of mine in age--HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU SURVIVE IT???
I love my girl to pieces. She is bright, funny, active--all that good stuff. But I swear she pushes my buttons like you would NOT believe. She is 11, and apparently thinks I'm the stupidest person to ever walk the face of the earth. Also, everything that doesn't go the way she wants it to is MY fault. Not her daddy's, not her own, but MINE. She was so late getting out of bed for school this morning she had to scarf her breakfast in the car--this was, of course, my fault (though I was the one rousting her from bed earlier--if she'd gotten up when I woke her, she would have had plenty of time...) She contradicts everything I say (well, probably not everything--but it seems like it).

Somebody tell me--is this a "girl thing?" I have son older than she is, and we've never had all this frustration with each other! Is it the combo of two females (and all their hormones) clashing under the same roof??? I didn't think they had many hormones at 11!

HELP!!

[OVERIT]

Actually, I would have to say (from "my" experience) that 10, 11 & 12 were the worst ages for me and my daughter. She thought she knew it all and all the rest of the world, especially me, just sucked air. My daughter and I have actually gotten along better in the past 3 years than we ever have. And, had it not been, for my drinking, would have gotten along even better. This is just my experience, but as far as me and my daughter, the actual teen years were better than the pre-teen years. This is a hard time for the girls (not trying to make excuses ), but I think they feel confused. Not still a little girl, but not yet a teenager or a woman. And they just don't know how the heck to deal with all of those emotions. Ya' know?

Has she "started" yet?

Hang in there, my dear. Joy comes in the morning.

xoxoxoxoxo

Ang

[janeeyre]

Has she "started" yet?

Nope. Oh, dear--that should be a carnival.

Thank you, Ang.

Actually, I know she's dealing with a lot at this age. Last year was ridiculous with all the cliques/hierarchies among girls at school. Talk about "Queen Bees and Wannabes!" (ever read that book?) How well I remember all that stuff when I was younger--but for me it was in high school, not 4th & 5th grade!

One of her "best friends" seems to be THE girl to be "in" with. She's got the best clothes, is super-skinny, listens to "cool" music, etc. So I see my girl comparing herself to this girl, and it just kills me. Last week my daughter said that she thinks she's fat! (She is SO not fat--she's healthy, well-liked, and beautiful!) We've had some long talks about this sort of thing (body image, comparing herself to others, etc.) and she'll seem to feel good about herself for awhile, and then WHAM! Suddenly she's "fat" or "stupid". We would never say anything like that to her, nor would we even think it! She's such a bright, beautiful girl--I wish she saw herself that way all the time. I'm sure this stuff is common, but I don't want her to start in on some sort of eating disorder!!

It's hard growing up. It's hard being a "grown-up," too.

Sometimes my daughter and I will get along so well and have so much fun---just this weekend we had a ball shopping together to find her some new shoes. I treasure these times.

I guess I'm just venting here (sorry!) and I really appreciate you all for listening and offering your advice. Ang, you give me hope when I read how things are with you & your daughter!

Thanks

[OVERIT]

Jane~~~~~

Sorry, it took so long to get back to you.

IN MY EXPERIENCE ONLY ~~~ things got better with us after she started. She seemed more relaxed and more at ease. Like I said, had it not been for my drinking, we probably would have gotten along brilliantly.

This past Friday night, she had to go spend the night with her dad, which she does about 4 times a year. She did not want to go. But, he pays her cell phone bill and gives her money at times. So, she told me, I am going to get him off my back and to get this over with.

Anyhoo, she was planning on being home quite late that evening, so me and hubby decided to go eat Mexican again (2nd week in a row). We ended up getting home after she did. She met us in the garage. She was talking on her cell phone to someone (who knows), but she came running out and gave me a big hug and said "my mommy's home"!!!!!! She will be 16 on May the 1st. Well that melted my heart. Just goes to show (IMO), that she knows which side her bread is buttered on.

She still tempts and tries me. She is bull headed and stubborn (just like her daddy ). And I wish she would open up more to me, but overall, we get along really good now.

I drop her off at school every morning and she always says, bye Mommy, I love you.

So, Jane, I think there is hope for you and your daugther.

She is just testing her limits and yours.

Hang in there!

I think it will get better.

At least it did for us!

xoxoxoxo

Ang

[cece1960]

HI Jane,
My daughter spent an entire year with her eyes permenantly fixed in the upward position (as in rolling her eyes)
I couldn't say hello without "the look".
Oh yeah...I was dumb and stupid and so uncool.
As much as I love her, I wanted to wring her scrawny little neck on more than one occassion. I did not have the same battle with my two sons.
Eventually she turned her wrath on the men in the family. I felt bad for them, but I was relieved lol
I agree...things get better once she "starts". Right now, its like cronic PMS haha
We have a great relationship now (she's 20)
Hang in there
Cece

[janeeyre]

Originally posted by OVERIT:
She was talking on her cell phone to someone (who knows), but she came running out and gave me a big hug and said "my mommy's home"!!!!!! She will be 16 on May the 1st.

Now that just makes me get all teary! How sweet (sniff!)

You two (Ang & cece) have given me hope that when she "starts" it won't be worse (OH, PLEEEEEEZE, GOD!) I think we're quite the volatile mix right now--me still adjusting to a non-drinking life (plus either pre-menopause, PAWS, Alzheimer's, or whatever the heck is with the ol' brain/emotions these days ) and her being the age she is.

You all are the best. I love this SR thing!

Now I'm off to get everyone from school--I'm looking forward to it! Thanks!

Love,
Jane

[2stop]

Jane~ MY daughter is also eleven...she also sleeps late.then yellls at ME for not 'forcing' her awake!
She doesn't like to fix her hair.........only cares that she is dressed.......(dear lord....not my girl!) My SON is the picky dresser.go figure.)

She is starting to be a real little................pre teen.......My son is 13.he is worse though.,oh help me jesus he is bad! He has lost his computer.....tv, friedns over.he doesn't care.he opens his mouth.inserts foot.and proceeds to keep on.......Daughter is picking alot up from him......I justw ant to lock him in his room somedays......Lats week he said NO to me when I told him to please pick up the yard trimmings .....he said NO! and stomped upstairs.......wouldn't let me in his room..slammed the door on my arm.

Now of course 11 yr old daughter is picking these things up.......it is soooo hard.......it's like yesterday they were cute cuddly sweet mother adoring lil angels...and now, they are becoming soooo difficult............I am told it is just a stage..well okay I understand hormones...blah blah blah.BUT I am having to work harder at enforcing the rules and keepiong boundaries....I lay awake at night worrying they will get in with the wrong crowd...then I jump forward to visiting them in jail......I cry.....I get mad..I get sad.it is nuts some times.....then therea re days.......they come up and just want a hug.......and then being a mother to a teen is soo worth it.you see the cute is till there but it threatens them to be tooo cute and too 'obedient'...they are getting their VOICE.........obnoxious one at times........but they are growing and learning the ropes of this crazy world.......

well I have rambled on enough.sorry!! This thread was about your daughter and I have taken off jabbering about my own kiddo's...hang in there mom.....

[janeeyre]

Tammie--jabber away! It's good to hear someone else dealing with/worrying about the same stuff that keeps me up nights. (Not that I'm "glad" it's happening to you--especially the "fun" stuff with your son. I have an almost-13-year-old son, as well as a 9-year old.)

Well it IS good that we're being sober parents now, huh? That's gotta make things better for the kids.

At the moment (we just got home from school) everyone is getting along well, there's no eye-rolling going on, and life is good. I'm going to hurry up and go enjoy it!

XO
Jane

Oh no. Here we go...she's getting grumpy about something. (deeeeeeeeep breaths.....)

[2stop]

Oh Their eye rolls!!!!!!!!!Makes me go crazy.I swear IT DOES.....lol..........IT'S LIKE HOW DID this HAPPEN??? you, MY CHILD............are rolling youre eyes at ME?? MOI???? YOUR mama???

Hold me back...............\

Then they get all sweet.........it's insane sometimes......
Yes it IS better being sober though...At first I thought I'd never make it..........oh no! LOL...........but I have.........now I get the guilts...that I caused them to be 'this way'.......I know in my heart it isn't me..they have their own path...they're just feeling their way along..........sometimes no matter what we do..they act up..

The good days are great though..................the bad ones make the good ones evebn sweter.sweet relief.They LOVE me again.it's a roller coaster!

[Kierra6]

Jane, girls go through that stage. They're just separating their identity from Mom and trying to assert some independence. It's also a great opportunity to teach them about mutual respect, appropriate language and build some additional trust. Mine was a wise-cracking, arrogant, obnoxious p.i.t.a. I rolled my eyes at her, just as much as she did me. The exasperated sighs, huffiness, haughty, sticking out the tongue...did all that too. Basically, just let 'em say what they NEED to say but there are some boundaries. Those lines are up to you.

I never had too much trouble over the getting up thing. She was very picky about her hair, clothes and appearance. I asked her how much time she needed. She had an alarm clock and she got one walk-through, "wakie! wakie!" from me. That was it. If she wasn't ready, too bad. I couldn't care less if she went to school in her jammies. If she fooled around and was late, she got detention. Still having troubles? Maybe the bedtime was too late and she needed an earlier one. Oh, and no phone after 8? That got a "MOM!?! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

It got really funny a few years later 'cause she would go to school or swim practice in her jammies, flip flops, no make-up and hair thrown in a clip. LOL

My niece had a complaint that her bedtime was earlier than her friends. "Oh yeah, Grumpy...get up without being told. That's why they make alarm clocks and I see...why...yepper! Look at that! It's an alarm clock! I can show you how it works..." *giggle*

Oddly enough, she can get up by herself. She got a later bedtime.

She just turned 13 and I think she's a riot. We have talks all the time. Especially, when she's upset about stuff. She's said some nasty things to me and we wind up talking about what's appropriate language, what's disrespectful. Those important talks are usually preceded by some nasty attitude, come to think of it. Sometimes the grief they're giving you at home, is in response to a hard time they're having at school. I let 'em go ahead and then ask "Are you having a bad day, or just being mean because you feel like it?"

If they're not afraid of making you angry, upset or disappointed...you'll hear all kinds of things.

Hmm...Tammie, I feel for ya' girl! (((BIG HUGS!))) I've always thought girls were easier.

[janeeyre]

Originally posted by Kierra6:
Sometimes the grief they're giving you at home, is in response to a hard time they're having at school.

You are right!

We had a really good talk this afternoon and lo and behold, one of her friends (the "queen bee" girl) is being a real poop this week--threatening to tell my daughter's "crush" that she likes him, snide comments about my daughter's clothes....you know. All the cruddy stuff that happens to everyone. (I'd like to have a word with the little snot--the queen bee girl--though. GRR.) I tell you, it's just brutal in pre-teen world!

Originally posted by 2stop:
MY CHILD............are rolling youre eyes at ME?? MOI???? YOUR mama???

LOL! It's NOT funny when you get "the look" but I've thought (ahem, SAID) the same thing, Tammie! Just yesterday it was, "Don't use that tone with me, young lady. I am your MOTHER." (....as I gradually become MY mother...)

Well, now she's being all sweet and open. I guess I need to be ready to listen more, huh?

Thanks, y'all!XO
Jane

[Kierra6]

Heh, I have said "Don't look at me with that tone of voice!"

Yeah, middle school sucks loads. Pack mentality, alpha dog...fitting in, being ostracised...7th grade...oooh yuck, wouldn't wish that crap on my worst enemy.

[daddysgirl29]

((((((((Jane)))))))))))))

Let Auntie DG come get that brat that's being a poop to my "niece"!

[janeeyre]

DG--

HAVE AT 'ER! You'll straighten her out!

Love,
Jane

[2stop]

LOL...............I get pretty crazy too when the girls at school are being mean..........oh it just breaks your heart. My daughter G*D bless her though.......she tries to convince me she is alright...she just 'loves' them anyone she tells me....she keeps on being nice........and well.I HAVE taught her to ignore the worst(unless needs reporting) and to just go on being her sweet self......But I also tell her not to let people run her over......make her feel bad.I am learning to stay out of most of it....but oh is it hard! I think it bothers ME more than HER!!!!!!!!!!

She is also very very sweet and obedient at school........but is trying to see what she can get away with ME......LOL..........

scary busines this parenting..scary scary bizness!!

[janeeyre]

Originally posted by 2stop:
scary busines this parenting..scary scary bizness!!

Yep.
Not for the faint of heart, that's for certain!

[OVERIT]

Daughters should definitely come with owner's manuals.

[janeeyre]

There's that saying, "sugar and spice and everything nice." The spice part is the biggest, I think. (But of course they are nice!)

Originally posted by OVERIT:
Here's to good women ~ may we know them ~ may we be them.

YES! And may we also raise them!

[OVERIT]

Amen!