My brother is gay

[spacegirl]

I'm so sorry to freak about about this but what does this mean? All I can think of is that he might get attacked by people who are prejudiced or he might catch a disease. I mean logic (and internet research) tells me that gay men are the least likely people in the world to catch AIDS they're more sensible and careful and intelligent (I went on a gay website) but what now?

What about his job? Can they fire him if they find out? it's a family company that he works for so I don't know how the rules apply?

He just came to see me this morning and told me that his best friend is actually his partner. I'm the only one he's told. Our parents don't know yet. He has a baby with his girlfriend, he's a great dad. Out of all the way he screws up in his life, as a father he's great and reliable in that respect.

What does this mean? How can he be gay when he's such a good dad with his girlfriend? I don't care if he's happy but what should we do now? If he is happy then I am happy but what should I tell his girlfriend? They have a baby together and he wants me to speak with her but I don't know how to tell her?

Confused isn't the word. At some point soon I have to speak with our parents. I could really use some advice here...

[Purrdy]

Hi spacey....gay men are wonderful, I have some of the most wonderful friendships with gay men......

I think he has just denied his feelings for a long time...maybe he just felt that he cant do that anymore...its ok....itll be a shock for everyone at first but ultimatley people will have to get used to the idea.....

Gay men also know how to look after themselves.....some are as hard as nails! they have to be....and they are in touch with what they need to know.....

its nothing to be ashamed of but even in this day and age it still has a taboo attached to it ...rathe like us and alcoholism.....

itll be ok i just know it.....the family equilibrium has been tampered with itll take time to settle down again....

its ok.......


love to y ou my friend...keep posting


ps did you get my pm?


love Purrdyxx

[Phinneas]

SpaceGirl - I can only share my own experience. My brother is also gay and he is a warm, caring, fabulolus person in every way. I don't worry about him becuase he is smart and responsible. Society is catching up, I think (I hope), by acknowldging gay couples today, so I don't worry about him in the work world either.

As far as running interference for your parents, I would say no way. Let him do that for himself. It will, hopefully be healing for them all.

I think you are just stunned by the news. Give it time and it will become perfectly natural.

[Done-With-It]

OOhhh (((((Spacegirl))))) it'll all be okay. I think I have more gay friends than straight. Gay men are the BEST!!! I just love them. They are so funny, and you can do the funnest things with them! I live in Hollywood, so it's widely accepted here to be gay. I think your brother will be just fine. People are more accepting of it these days.

I think he's scared as hell to 'Come Out' so he placed a lot on your lap.
I don't think you should have to do the telling part for him. I would maybe go with him to be a support for him. But if isn't made to tell your parents and his wife, how is he ever going to learn to tell people in society.

Being gay is Nothing to be ashamed of, in time he will accept that fully.
Right now he just needs your love and support. He'll be much stronger
in the end for telling your parents and his g-friend himself.

Just my 2 cents. ;-)

[indigo]

Hey Spacegirl, I'm a lesbian I have lived for 21 years with my partner, I am totally out, if someone has a problem it's theirs not ours.....gay men are great and I have lods of gay/bi/lesbian friends. It's not who you love, it's how. Given time hopefully the dust will settle. By the way my partner and I have four children (I got married very young, I thought no-one would love me if they knew) brought up Catholic, I was wrong my whole family accepted it and even told me they'd guessed already and only wanted my happiness, we have a beautiful grandaughter now. I hope your family will reconcile themselves. He is the same loving man he was before you know.

Hugs indigo

[equus]

My best mate and me grew up like sisters and still are 23 yrs later!! She told me she was gay when we were about 16 and I was a total smeghead about it - mind you she wasn't perfect either!! I was jealous, I probably wouldn't have minded if I was gay too but it felt like I got shut out - I remember the blanket 'You don't understand' that suddenly came between us. (As a side note I've found myself swallowing the same words to her re D being an alcoholic - it ain't the answer!).

16 years ago there was more prjudice than there is now but there was still a whole new world I got a ticket to. We used to go out one night to a straight bar and the next to a gay bar! If someone treated her like poo because she was gay it was my problem too, and in gay bars if someone treated me like poo 'cos I was straight it was her problem too. We would never have met as many people, we'd never have met as many people that were open minded if Steph hadn't been gay, we had some fantastic nights out that I'll never forget!!

I look at how things have changed, and it makes me smile! Me and steph went for a girly 4 days in Portugal while her girlfriend stayed with D for a playstation fest!! A few years ago that would have been something at the very least hidden, but last year I was happy to tell our neighbour not to worry about the girly going in and out (we'd all agreed telling her would be better than her wondering if she should tell me!!), my family knew, D's family knew - what can I say? There wasn't one person who who did the dumbass presuming it's a sordid scandal thing!

Steph's girlfriend is cool as hell and she and D get on because she's like a twin of D's brother (I know that sounds corney and we do our duty to take the mick out of it - 'cos it is funny!!).

Last of all though I have to say - it isn't your job to tell his girlfriend! No WAY!! That's his place, that's his situation and in all honesty he can't blame it on being gay.

[bahookie]

Morning, Spacegirl,

I'm gay and I've got 2 boys, sometimes it just works out that way. I thought I could do the "nuclear family" thing, but it turns out I couldn't.

In the uk you can't be discriminated against if you're gay, no matter who owns the company. Of course, sometimes it does happen, but you have recourse if it does.
I would also say that it's no employer's business if you're gay, straight, or anything in the middle.

It wouldn't seem that it's your job to tell anyone anything, his girlfriend or your family - but if you feel you have to I'd give myself a while to let it settle in my head.

You doing ok?

Jane
xxx

[GoldenGutters]

Originally Posted by spacegirl

I'm so sorry to freak about about this but what does this mean? All I can think of is that he might get attacked by people who are prejudiced or he might catch a disease. I mean logic (and internet research) tells me that gay men are the least likely people in the world to catch AIDS they're more sensible and careful and intelligent (I went on a gay website) but what now?

What about his job? Can they fire him if they find out? it's a family company that he works for so I don't know how the rules apply?

He just came to see me this morning and told me that his best friend is actually his partner. I'm the only one he's told. Our parents don't know yet. He has a baby with his girlfriend, he's a great dad. Out of all the way he screws up in his life, as a father he's great and reliable in that respect.

What does this mean? How can he be gay when he's such a good dad with his girlfriend? I don't care if he's happy but what should we do now? If he is happy then I am happy but what should I tell his girlfriend? They have a baby together and he wants me to speak with her but I don't know how to tell her?

Confused isn't the word. At some point soon I have to speak with our parents. I could really use some advice here...

First off, I'm a gay man. Your brother has got a lot to deal with considering he's got a clueless "girlfriend" and a baby.....but thats his responsibility, NOT YOURS! The least he can do is to tell her himself, and not have her find out via a messanger. Unless, of course, she a psycho...then a letter (and a restraining order) would be best.

[spacegirl]

Thanks guys. Well I've decided to take your advice and make him tell his girlfriend himself. She's going to be hurt enough without hearing it from a third party. I will tell the family for him but tbh that's not a problem anyway. I mean I think it's a bit gross if I'm interested in my brothers sex-life so why should it matter if his partner is male or female? What 2 consenting adults do behind closed doors is their business not mine.

I've been on a few (male) gay websites and had a lot of sensitive and reassuring advice that this really is no big deal. All that worries me now is that if the split with his girlfriend becomes acrimonious then she might take my nephew away and not let me see him anymore. As long as I can still have contact with my nephew and as long as my brother is happy then it will be ok.

Thanks again for the advice. Jeez it's 2006 am I overreacting to this?

[bahookie]

It's just new to you, that's all. There are no rules about how you're meant to react to anything!

"All that worries me now is that if the split with his girlfriend becomes acrimonious then she might take my nephew away and not let me see him anymore. As long as I can still have contact with my nephew and as long as my brother is happy then it will be ok."

A person can't be discrimited against because they are gay, in custody cases, or in applications for access. When a split first happens things can be nasty, but they usually settle down.
In my case, it's taken a while to settle, but right now it's going well. My kids are 1 week with me one week with their dad.

J
xxx
Ps and yes, they like it, they get 2 birthdays and 2 christmases a year! They also get to wind me up one week then go away and wind their dad up. They probably get away with murder lol.

[spacegirl]

Originally Posted by bahookie

When a split first happens things can be nasty, but they usually settle down.

Oh I hope so bahookie, it'd just kill me if she stopped us seeing my nephew. He's really sick at the moment and needs to have surgery but they want him to get up to 10lbs and recover from his chest-infection before they'll operate.

Well I hadn't really considered that she might use his sexuality to stop him seeing my nephew. I'm fairly sure that would be laughed out of court. My parents best friends are a gay (male) couple in their 40's and they babysit for the neices and nephews all the time. It's quite funny really bcz when you see them in the pub they're quite outrageous and always making dirty jokes and sharing 'too much' information but when they're around kids they turn into a Scottish version of 'The Waltons' and it's 'sock-puppet shows' and cartoons and bedtime stories. My other nephew (he's 5) said:

'Are uncle 'R' and 'R' gay?'
'Yeah' I said, 'they are'
'so are they married?'
'Well pretty much'
'Oh ok'

a long pause...
'do you think they'll bring the Harry Potter dvd around?'
'If you're good for them!'

lol, they're both waaaay strict on what kids can watch. They'd make brilliant parents. I know they want kids and I said to them once, well couldn't one of you just grit your teeth and sleep with a woman and adopt the baby?
'No' he said.'Never'
'Why not?'
'Would you like to have sex with a woman?'
'Ewwww no! Gross! It's just not natural for me, I'd hate that'
'Then there you go' he said and I understood instantly how he felt.

He's a wise man. Sometimes you just have to put yourself in another persons shoes...

[justangie]

Hi space I found out that my brothers gay (we are half bro and sis) but I hate those words to me hes my brother fully. The way I found out was at his adopted dads (my uncles funeral) I also asked myself the same questions you did. Where we live is a small town in Alabama not a good place for people to know. Not sure if he has told boss etc... When I was younger I had some great friends that were gay..they dressed drag alot and one of em could do my hair and make-up sooooooooooo good that I envied him lol..not sure where he is now but my hair and make-up could use an overhaul