The men in my son's life....

[daydream]

I've been holding this in, stuffing it mostly, for years. So has my little boy, and it breaks my heart.

My son's father has chosen dope, so he is barely involved in my son's life at all. They see each other briefly about once every 3 months, only when my son and I initiate it. His father never even calls.

Friday and Saturday we spent time with my family. My brother killed a buck Saturday morning. The men sat around talking about it for hours. My son, who is almost 12, wants to go deer hunting more than anything in the world. He's been talking about it almost daily for the past 4 years. 2 years ago I got him a BB gun as a stepping stone. We spent a lot of time learning hunter safety, etc. Over the past 2 years I've been the one to teach him how to use a shotgun. I've worked hard to help him experience things that are important to young boys. I didn't know a thing about fishing, but I learned (not much, but we try). I didn't even know how to start a fire or set up a tent, but I learned and now we go camping several times each summer. Unfortunately, I don't know a thing in the world about hunting. The men in our family won't step up to the plate and do anything with my son. Our family has a lot of land and it is prime hunting ground, full of tree stands, clover and all that other stuff men do to attract game. Last winter, after working with my son a lot, I decided he was ready to try hunting. My brother agreed to take him. Then I got a phone call from my father, saying my son is not ready for hunting, that he needs to wait a few more years. My brother didn't take my son because he didn't want to go against our father. My son cried for days. No one in my family has any evidence that my son's not ready, as they have never taken time to even go to the woods with him to see how he handles the gun. My son is very safety conscious and I've been very impressed with how cautious and responsible he is. I put him through a hunter safety course this summer. He passed and has his hunting license. Of course I'm always within 10 feet and watching carefully. We have an NA friend who has been taking him out to the woods for the past year for target practice, teaching him about guns and hunting. They have gone squirrel hunting a few times too. While I am eternally grateful to this friend, I'm upset that he wont' take my son deer hunting because he doesn't think my son can sit still long enough. I've explained to him that to an 11-yr.-old boy, even if he doesn't get a kill, he just wants the thrill of TRYING. This friend still doesn't want to do it and I can't argue because he doesn't owe us anything. So here we are a year later, my father and 2 brothers very knowledgeable about hunting and with access to the family farm just 30 minutes away, they still have excuses why they won't take my son. My brothers say they are too busy, although one of them hunts virtually every day of deer season. My father says my son isn't ready, but he really just doesn't want to fool with it. His excuse doesn't hold water, given that he loans my son shotguns and rifles to practice with. He won't take him fishing or anything else either. Every week my father reads the local paper (so do I) which this time of year always has half a dozen pictures of boys age 8-11 with their first kill. My father also talks about how when he was a boy, he and his brothers were out hunting alone by the time they were 8 or 9. My son hears the men talk and gets real quiet, sometimes I see him fighting back the tears, then the flood comes when we're alone together. Maybe I shouldn't expect anything from them because they don't technically "owe" me or my son anything. I just thought family counted for something. They all know I'm trying to be both mom and dad to my son. They all know hunting is his biggest dream. They also know that I'm trying hard to keep my son involved in positive activities so maybe he won't get into trouble as a teen. I'm afraid he will get so discouraged that he'll give up the dream of hunting. I have major resentment that they won't step up to the plate and help out with those "manly" things that his father isn't doing with him. I fought back tears yesterday until I could get in the truck to leave my parents house. Cried most of the way home and for hours afterward. Not crying for me, crying for my son who says they don't care about him. I want to take him deer hunting myself, but I don't have the knowledge of how to get in and out of a tree stand with a gun safely and I'm sure there are other safety issues involving tree stands that I don't know about. I don't want to be wreckless and take a chance on one of us getting hurt. And if we got a deer, I wouldn't even begin to know what to do with it or how to get it out of the woods. I wasn't sure where to post this, as it didn't seem to fit anywhere. Started to put it in the women's room, but I don't want it to turn into a male-bashing thread. I'm certain there are women here who will relate, but I bet there are also men here who have custody of daughters and face similar problems. Not sure what I'm needing from SR. Maybe just identification. I'm just hurting because my baby is hurting. And I'm angry. All input will be appreciated.

I feel your pain, even though I can't identify with the particular situation. It really hurts, as a Mom, to see our child hurting, I know.

Short of coming right out and telling your friend and/or family members exactly how you feel (as you did here)...are there any Big Brother chapters near you? any Hunting Clubs near you? any Boy Scout Troops near you?

Maybe you could start your own group of single Moms with boys in need of male role models. It may sound a bit far-fetched; but, they do say, "Necessity is the mother of invention." There just may be others in your area who are in the same fix as you and would welcome an opportunity to share and compare.

Wish I could be of more help...but, you're doing the very best you can, and I'm sure your son realizes it and is grateful to have you.

[Erinlt420]

nevermind...excuse this post, i deleted it

[historyteach]

Big Brothers does sound like a good idea. Also, church/synogogue/mosque? And youth activities in that setting? How about school activities? The schools have counselors. Any one of them should be able to point you towards community services that your son could benefit from. Check it out.

And I think it's great that you're learning all these different "guy" things to keep your son positively active. Keep up the good work.

Shalom!

[velvet]

Big Brothers is a great idea, but be careful who you send your son with. Alot of inappropriate sh*t goes on, even with the respectable groups. I'm not trying to offend anyone, but the instinct red flag went up, when I began to type. The library, or even the web might have instructions on what to do, so that you could take him yourself. I have been both mom and dad to my 4, for the last 25 yrs. It sucks. Lucky for me, both my boys are computer geeks and have no interest in the hunting stuff. Maybe your son might settle on the two of you doing a practice hunt. TAke the gun and all the gear, just don't shoot on this first trip. Best of luck.

[Done_With_It]

My first thought was big brothers too, or there is a website that is called something like be a mentor or something like that, it's different than big brothers.


lol, your cute. You don't have to get up in a tree to hunt deer.
You could do it, but I would worry about if you caught one. That's the hard part. It's scary.

Your son is not too young, my parents and the aunts and uncles started taking us when we were way younger than that.

I was wondering though if you could go down to where he took the class for hunters safety and talk to them over there..

They could probably help you out or give you some direction as what to do. Maybe someone there knows someone who could take him. Hunters Safety places are usually very strict and know what they are doing in my experience. So I would think you'd be safer doing that, than going to big brothers, like Velvet said.

You'll figure something out, just keep talking to people about it, and something will happen.

[Old fart]

I first of all want to tell you that I really admire the love you have for your son.I am here to tell you that when I was young a long long long time ago my dad didn't hunt or fish or do anything outdoors.He never learned because it was not his thing.When I was 7 my friends dad took us to the river to go fishing.I was hooked I was going to learn to fish if it killed me.I started at the tackle shop asking how to and their was allway some one who really wanted to help me.The same with hunting I know the feeling of not geting to go.I live in the state of OR. so we have our share of hunting here. This is what me and my friend billy did to learn to hunt.Alot of the property around my town was hunting by permition only and Bill's dad had some prime hunting on his land.Bill's dad was not a hunter but knew that his son and me really wanted learn.We took our paper route money and placed an add.The add said If you are willing to teach 2 boys how to hunt I have prime area to hunt for you and them.A hunting club steped up and we learned to hunt saifly.If you have access to good hunting their will allways be some realy good people ho will help you and help them selves to.There is also gun clubs that help kids get trained and take them out to hunt.Mom please all of those bad filling will go away the first deer he gets.When that happens you will cry because of the pride that your son will exibit.Big brothers don't take kid hunting but hunter will. I will bet when your dad sees that your son is ready he will take him if he is a true sport.I hope you all the best but I know you will work it out.

[daydream]

Thank you all for the support and excellent suggestions. You've given me some great ideas to work with!