Once Again Venting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Chance · 10-21-2005, 04:05 AM

Don't know what the hell is going on here but this is the second night in a row that I have been up really late. I usually get around 3-5 hours of sleep a night but now it is like I can't get to sleep until like 6 in the morning and then I am up by 11:00 at least and here we go again. I have been trying to keep busy but how damn busy can you be from midnight until 6 in the morning?!?!. So here I am working on my second step, reading, messing with my computer LOL now I might have done more things to it>>>LMAO>>>but it will all be OK I am sure.

I do have a plan for today even though I am now getting tired and it is 5 in the morning here. I am going to stay up as long as I can today and then maybe crash tonight I hope. It does sound like I might have a lot going on in my mind might be a big reason, alot of mind Fing is going on right now that same old sh!t that I have been dealing with since I got sober and clean. I wonder if it is from finishing the first step in that NA Step Study Guide that is affecting the way that I am feeling right now? I don't know, I was so glad to get it done, and to call my sponsor today to set up a time to go over it and now it is like damn you are a piece of sh!t.

Is this how it is? I don't remember being like this the first time that I got clean, but then again my mind seems to be wasted now. I am sure that I have pretty much drove everyone here nuts I am sure the last almost 7 months now. It is almost like I am even ashamed to even come here anymore, I just don't even know anymore. Damn you think you are getting afew damn good days and then sh!t it all falls apart. I know that it is not like it used to be but OMG. OK I should just probably leave everyone here alone.

Neasa · 10-21-2005, 04:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luckyv2

I am sure that I have pretty much drove everyone here nuts I am sure the last almost 7 months now. It is almost like I am even ashamed to even come here anymore, I just don't even know anymore. Damn you think you are getting afew damn good days and then sh!t it all falls apart. I know that it is not like it used to be but OMG. OK I should just probably leave everyone here alone.

Lucky, about 3 years ago a dear friend of mine suddenly snapped at me one day that she just couldn't "be around anymore for my healing process." How devastating was that? I felt ashamed, damaged, unworthy of the effort. I felt like I should just go crawl away in a hole & stop working on myself, stop trying to reach out to people, stop inflicting myself on others. I still struggle with reaching out to people because of shame, but the shame's a lie. There are so many good people here at SR; don't deny them the opportunity to strengthen their healing through befriending you. Regardless of what form our sickness takes, at some point I'm sure most people in recovery feel like they're driving someone nuts at some time or other. You, me, everyone here, matters. If one suffering person feels unloved or unwanted, the entire community suffers. Keep breathing.

10-21-2005, 05:18 AM

Funny coincidence, Vic. My sleep (sans the patterns) is unpredictable & find myself up early just like NOW. It's 4 AM. I was never a nightowl when I was drinking. I'm up all night and sleep all day. Perfect hours for a graveyard shift! Except I'm not on the graveyard shift...on 2nd thought, I'm not on any shift. But it ticks me off sometimes when I KNOW I should be in bed--chasing dreams.

UrbanFool · 10-21-2005, 05:25 AM

My sleep is way messed up, too. I'm up at 3. Well, it's 4:30 now, but I've been up since 3.

Vic, you have the cutest dog. Not as cute as mine, but damn cute.

Kelly

Chance · 10-21-2005, 06:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UrbanFool

Vic, you have the cutest dog. Not as cute as mine, but damn cute.

Kelly

Sorry Kelly but that is just an avitar that Denise (Wingsfree) gave me my dog Lucky is DEAD OK

UrbanFool · 10-21-2005, 06:56 AM

Yeah, okay, got it.

**BigSis** · 10-21-2005, 07:11 AM

Lucky - no one is going to kick you out for venting, you know. This is a safe place - sometimes the safest place I can be.

If I am not here at 4 in the morning, I might be in at 5 or 6... you are not alone and (you know this one)... This too shall pass.

My primary program is Alanon right now, but after step 1, both programs look a lot alike. What I have learned is that a bad day doesn't last forever. Every bad day I live through gives me concrete experience to base this knowledge on. I know for a fact that MY bad days are generally about 1 and half days, sometimes 2 and never longer than 3 days.

If I were to feel that terrible for longer than 3 days, I might need additional help... through my sponsor, my physician or my counselor.

This is just my experience - take what you like....

Sending prayers of comfort and peace.

Chance · 10-21-2005, 12:26 PM

I think that it is time for me to go back to face my disease, to join my disease, to be the person that I was meant to be..I just am so tired of the fight, I have no strength left right now, I can not continue, I am very weak right now...I am so tired, hungry, lonely...I have not had to live like this for so long it truely is hard when you can not even afford to eat ramen noodles day after day, paying bills, hell if I would give up everything I could live on what I get, but I cant live on what I get to survive..I think I need to go back out and see if it is infact any worse..

Dan · 10-21-2005, 12:33 PM

Get off the pity potty long enough to put some stamps on post cards you can send the rest of the gang who chose to take a chance on living another day, Vic.

The fear of economic insecurity will leave us.
That's one of the Promises.

Sobriety also promises us daily doses of life situations that used to scare the living daylights out of me.

This is not an easy gig, man...

You can't just reboot all the time.
Think this through before you get the trojan there's no fix for.

UrbanFool · 10-21-2005, 12:34 PM

Lucky, it's HARD. There are some people who abrase it. (ignore my spelling) Then there are some of us who just don't get the clue. I make $19/hour and still just kill myself.

Dan · 10-21-2005, 12:42 PM

One more thing, brother...

Quote:

Originally Posted by luckyv2

..I think I need to go back out and see if it is infact any worse..

I guarantee you it is.

Dan · 10-21-2005, 12:50 PM

Two days ago, you posted this to someone else...

Quote:

Originally Posted by luckyv2

Yes that is alot of it is how we will take that negative and run with it cause it is familar ground for us...So we have to be taught to do things different...

Love Vic

So we have to be taught to do things different...

Run with that one hour at a time, why don't you

wantneeda · 10-21-2005, 01:13 PM

((((Lucky))))
someone said this to me the other day.....
"if i go back to that hell it doesn't scare me that i'll die....it scares me that I won't...that i'll just keep living that miserable existence..."
wow...i thought...is that a concept or what????
i too get lost in self pity, ego...thats our disease talkin' Lucky...thats how it wants us to feel
kick it to the curb...one more time, you are worth the fight
when i get feelin' like that i gotta get outta my head...i call it the hood...can't go there alone
and ya...like Dan said....gaurenteed it is!!!!! I went back out thanksgiving weekend, (here in Canada) screwed up big time...haven't told anyone here that. My family isn't talkin' to me again and i feel llike sh!t. Gotta chalk it up, get back on the horse and renew my faith in myself, as long as i have hope and faith the size of a mustard seed, then i have something to go on
i refuse to give up on myself and i ain't giving up on you either
keep fightin the good fight, feed your spirit and not the disease
hugs, Wendy

Chance · 10-21-2005, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dan

Two days ago, you posted this to someone else...

So we have to be taught to do things different...

Run with that one hour at a time, why don't you

Hanging in there, sure is a lot easier to say good things than to live by what you say, but I am still doing it for right now..

Love Vic

boop64132 · 10-21-2005, 05:33 PM

Vic,
Life doesnt get any easier...it's always full of a bunch of crap.
Can things get worse?Yes! If you go back to old habbits it will.

I have only been sober for two years now,and yes I have wanted to drink...but I don't because if I do I will only give into the person that I dont want to be at all anymore.

Life is not easy for any of us.But if we give up or give in,it will only get harder.

10-21-2005, 04:05 AM	#1 (permalink)
Chance JUST DO IT!! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Here Or There Posts: 7,097 Blog Entries: 9	Once Again Venting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! Don't know what the hell is going on here but this is the second night in a row that I have been up really late. I usually get around 3-5 hours of sleep a night but now it is like I can't get to sleep until like 6 in the morning and then I am up by 11:00 at least and here we go again. I have been trying to keep busy but how damn busy can you be from midnight until 6 in the morning?!?!. So here I am working on my second step, reading, messing with my computer LOL now I might have done more things to it>>>LMAO>>>but it will all be OK I am sure. I do have a plan for today even though I am now getting tired and it is 5 in the morning here. I am going to stay up as long as I can today and then maybe crash tonight I hope. It does sound like I might have a lot going on in my mind might be a big reason, alot of mind Fing is going on right now that same old sh!t that I have been dealing with since I got sober and clean. I wonder if it is from finishing the first step in that NA Step Study Guide that is affecting the way that I am feeling right now? I don't know, I was so glad to get it done, and to call my sponsor today to set up a time to go over it and now it is like damn you are a piece of sh!t. Is this how it is? I don't remember being like this the first time that I got clean, but then again my mind seems to be wasted now. I am sure that I have pretty much drove everyone here nuts I am sure the last almost 7 months now. It is almost like I am even ashamed to even come here anymore, I just don't even know anymore. Damn you think you are getting afew damn good days and then sh!t it all falls apart. I know that it is not like it used to be but OMG. OK I should just probably leave everyone here alone. __________________ With Love and Respect Vic Life isn't yesterday or tomorrow it is in the now.....

10-21-2005, 07:11 AM	#7 (permalink)
BigSis On a tear Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Volcano Country! Posts: 3,157	Lucky - no one is going to kick you out for venting, you know. This is a safe place - sometimes the safest place I can be. If I am not here at 4 in the morning, I might be in at 5 or 6... you are not alone and (you know this one)... This too shall pass. My primary program is Alanon right now, but after step 1, both programs look a lot alike. What I have learned is that a bad day doesn't last forever. Every bad day I live through gives me concrete experience to base this knowledge on. I know for a fact that MY bad days are generally about 1 and half days, sometimes 2 and never longer than 3 days. If I were to feel that terrible for longer than 3 days, I might need additional help... through my sponsor, my physician or my counselor. This is just my experience - take what you like.... Sending prayers of comfort and peace. __________________ No matter how spoiled the past may be, our future is spotless.... BigSis

10-21-2005, 12:26 PM	#8 (permalink)
Chance JUST DO IT!! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Here Or There Posts: 7,097 Blog Entries: 9	I think that it is time for me to go back to face my disease, to join my disease, to be the person that I was meant to be..I just am so tired of the fight, I have no strength left right now, I can not continue, I am very weak right now...I am so tired, hungry, lonely...I have not had to live like this for so long it truely is hard when you can not even afford to eat ramen noodles day after day, paying bills, hell if I would give up everything I could live on what I get, but I cant live on what I get to survive..I think I need to go back out and see if it is infact any worse.. __________________ With Love and Respect Vic Life isn't yesterday or tomorrow it is in the now.....

10-21-2005, 01:13 PM	#13 (permalink)
wantneeda Miss Behavin' Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: regina,saskatchewan Posts: 976	((((Lucky)))) someone said this to me the other day..... "if i go back to that hell it doesn't scare me that i'll die....it scares me that I won't...that i'll just keep living that miserable existence..." wow...i thought...is that a concept or what???? i too get lost in self pity, ego...thats our disease talkin' Lucky...thats how it wants us to feel kick it to the curb...one more time, you are worth the fight when i get feelin' like that i gotta get outta my head...i call it the hood...can't go there alone and ya...like Dan said....gaurenteed it is!!!!! I went back out thanksgiving weekend, (here in Canada) screwed up big time...haven't told anyone here that. My family isn't talkin' to me again and i feel llike sh!t. Gotta chalk it up, get back on the horse and renew my faith in myself, as long as i have hope and faith the size of a mustard seed, then i have something to go on i refuse to give up on myself and i ain't giving up on you either keep fightin the good fight, feed your spirit and not the disease hugs, Wendy __________________ nothin' changes if nothin' changes

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10-21-2005, 05:18 AM	#3 (permalink)
Midas Guest Posts: n/a	Funny coincidence, Vic. My sleep (sans the patterns) is unpredictable & find myself up early just like NOW. It's 4 AM. I was never a nightowl when I was drinking. I'm up all night and sleep all day. Perfect hours for a graveyard shift! Except I'm not on the graveyard shift...on 2nd thought, I'm not on any shift. But it ticks me off sometimes when I KNOW I should be in bed--chasing dreams.

10-21-2005, 05:25 AM	#4 (permalink)
UrbanFool Red Hot Chili Pepper Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Jefferson --a State of Mind Posts: 154	My sleep is way messed up, too. I'm up at 3. Well, it's 4:30 now, but I've been up since 3. Vic, you have the cutest dog. Not as cute as mine, but damn cute. Kelly

10-21-2005, 06:56 AM	#6 (permalink)
UrbanFool Red Hot Chili Pepper Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Jefferson --a State of Mind Posts: 154	Yeah, okay, got it.

10-21-2005, 12:33 PM	#9 (permalink)
Dan Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 8,753	Get off the pity potty long enough to put some stamps on post cards you can send the rest of the gang who chose to take a chance on living another day, Vic. The fear of economic insecurity will leave us. That's one of the Promises. Sobriety also promises us daily doses of life situations that used to scare the living daylights out of me. This is not an easy gig, man... You can't just reboot all the time. Think this through before you get the trojan there's no fix for.

10-21-2005, 12:34 PM	#10 (permalink)
UrbanFool Red Hot Chili Pepper Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Jefferson --a State of Mind Posts: 154	Lucky, it's HARD. There are some people who abrase it. (ignore my spelling) Then there are some of us who just don't get the clue. I make $19/hour and still just kill myself.

10-21-2005, 05:33 PM	#15 (permalink)
boop64132 Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Kansas City,Mo Posts: 478	Vic, Life doesnt get any easier...it's always full of a bunch of crap. Can things get worse?Yes! If you go back to old habbits it will. I have only been sober for two years now,and yes I have wanted to drink...but I don't because if I do I will only give into the person that I dont want to be at all anymore. Life is not easy for any of us.But if we give up or give in,it will only get harder.

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