Pennies for your thoughts part 64

[Japic05]

Once Again We start another journal of laughs and lyrics, tears and truth, and whatever else you want to share!

Whatever our differences, we have found a common bond of friendship, kindred spirits and unconditional love.


We wanted to share a special poem, we'd hang it on the door.

A Special Bond
by Rae Scales

Even though we have never met,
I feel a bond between us.
A bond that should have taken years to build,
Yet was built in a month or two.
A bond that lifelong friends should have,
Although most never do.
A bond that I am glad to share with you...
My Friend and Confidant.

You are not here in body and soul,
But as a lighted rectangle.
You come to me every day as
A message on my screen,
A message that I can rely on
To cheer me up and make my day.
Through a keyboard we share
Our ups and downs.

I have opened my inner self to you,
And you have to me as well.
We have traded secrets and laughs,
As well as sorrows and pain.
I have never met you, but feel as if
I have known you most of my life.
To most this might sound silly,
But I assure them, it is not.

[anvilhead]

Ha, First!

[Japic05]

((Wendy))

I hate that your home has become such a lonely place for you, that your relationship with your AH is at a point where you feel you must participate in the physical intimacy when your emotional self is not willing.

For me, personally, I can not be "intimate" with a person I can't trust. And I don't mean intimate just in the physical way - but in all ways - by sharing my thoughts, dreams, fears, hopes and yes, even in the physical act of expressing love.

I can't give myself to someone who I can't respect and who doesn't respect me.

This has not always been the case for me. But as I have grown in recovery, as my self-respect and self-esteem has grown - I have begun to realize I deserve better. I never heard the message as a young teen and a young woman that I should respect my self and my body; somehow in my messed-up brain I heard that sex equals everythings ok, the relationship's fine, I'll treat you better next time.

I know now as a maturing, healthy recovering woman - those lessons just aren't true. I learned it is ok to say I'm not comfortable being intimate with someone who I can't trust.

It's ok to respect me enough to say that.

It doesn't mean I'm cold, cruel, unable to show affection or love - it just means that I show that love and affection to those who return the love, affection and respect back to me.

I'm not saying you don't have to be intimate with you hubby - that's up to you to decide what you want and what you don't want. But please don't let the fact that you are growing healthy and requiring that you be treated with respect and are treating yourself with more respect - don't let others use those facts to call you unloving, unaffectionate or cold.

That is so far from the truth!

I would guess (and only my guess) is that your AH sees the changes in you and he is scared. Trying to hold onto the old Wendy by using his old behaviors.

Keep taking care of you - you are becoming the wonderful healthy recovery woman your HP wants you to be.

HUGS,
Rita

[WENDYLOST101]

Thanks guys for the input. I just dont know how to explain. I dont want to be affectionate for him. I mostly want to do it for myself. Yes, what he has done makes it even harder to show affection, but it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I do need the counseling I think. Well, I know I do. Just gotta figure out how to make more time in the day and more money to accomodate for it. lol

I guess I have to be even more honest with you guys. Not only do I want to do this for myself, but I also want to be able to say, "HA!, I was affectionate just the way you wanted me to be and it didn't change a thing!" I know that is the wrong way to think. I know that nothing I do will change him or his behavior, but it sure would feel good to do that.

I feel like I am going crazy lately. I havent cried in a really long time. I feel like something is wrong with me because of that. I feel like I need to cry. I just cant. I am so tired of being mad. I am so tired of going back and forth. One day being okay with detaching and carrying on with my life, and the next I let it eat me up and end up saying something to AH about the disease and it turns into a fuss. Why cant I just detach everyday? I am just so confused here lately. My feelings seem so twisted up that I cant even make sense out of them.

[Japic05]

Jewelz

get lots of bleach and lysol!!!

spray the pillows and blankets with lysol and fluff them in the dryer for about 25-30 mins on HOT HOT HOT!!

if the sheets, sleep clothes, etc. are light or white - wash them in hot bleach water. spray the carpets with lysol -

throw away brushes, hair clips etc. if the girls shared any -

last yr we had a horrible time getting rid of this in the granddaughters hair, cause their hair is SOOOO thick

You can only use the RX stuff so often - in between treatments you can use the Tea Tree Oil (found in the Ethnic Hair Treatments Section at Wal-Mart) It it good to help get the eggs out of their hair too.

My heart goes out to you - but better to treat it soon than to have a full blown outbreak!!

ok - off for the day - hope everyone has a wonderful afternoon.

[Jewelz]

I am praying hoping that its not in my daughters hair but I am going to treat hers and mine tonight. So much to do about this stuff.. I hate LICE!!!!

[liesagain]

wendy...........I agree with everyone else. I doubt its you, I know people in my life who cannot be close or intimate and that issue does extend to their children as well............no hugs no touching nothing

you wrote that you want to say ----
"HA!, I was affectionate just the way you wanted me to be and it didn't change a thing!"

I get that I am the same way I always feel a need to prove things and say see!!!! see!!!! but they never see............( not in my life anyhow)

what if the "thing" he pointed out in you as "his reason" was something you could never change? your to tall you make him feel less because hes short, your to beautiful you make him feel insecure cuz you may leave him-- your just so damn hot, your to smart and it makes him feel dumb. basically I think its wrong of him to be pointing towards YOU in any way saying this part of you is the reason I use, or I dont get clean or that I dont stay clean .................

You cant make him USE, any more than you can make him NOT use.


I would like to say, if theres something there..............in that comment that bothers you because you've had the same issue in other relationships, or because you suffered some chhildhood or even adult trauma ( other than his addiction) and you feel that its unresolved then FOR YOU getting help would be a good and loving thing you can do for yourself..
Many places offer free or low cost counseling ..........if you want or need it for yourself
best wishes Wendy your in my thoughts.

[anvilhead]

affection is a funny thing......i'm a pretty touchy feely kind of gal, but i used to hate it when my 2nd ex would "maul" me, that's what it felt like anyways....or if i'd walk past and he'd grab my wrist.....and kinda hold me in place for a second.

now hank, he's NOT the touchy feely hand holdy snuggly come here and give me a hug kind of guy AT ALL. we have never held hands while walking....we used to have the "standing 8 count" for hugs, but now we have the furry referee........and so now I FEEL like the mauler cuz he's such a damn tidbit i just wanna eat him up.

once a week sex would be about 4 times more a month than our house. ok, wait, i think we managed something in march - that's right, threw the dog outside and just kinda hurried before the barking got too loud, but then hank gotta cramp.........and well, there's always May......

my point is everyone is different.....and it's more important to be true to oneself and honor ones feelings. i used to pounce on the ex and "paralyze" him but good, then hop up, hit the showers, doll up and RACE out the door to go drinking and dancing.......i used to "give it up" just to shut him up and make the "maulings" stop for awhile. i hated it. i hated myself. i hated him.

make it about what YOU want, Wendy........what feels right for YOU. be true to yourself.....

[helpus]

Hi guys, I havn't been on much for quite sometime. I try to peek & see how everyone is. Kim, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I tried to pm you but I couldn't get it to work. The slide shoe you posted is awesome. He looks like a very kind hearted man. Sending my condolences. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts & prayers.

[kj0975]

Thank you very much Helpus. Means alot. Well back at work again. I see that while I was out NOTHING was done. Even the fires I said dont blow off well now they are HUGE fires but I think I put them all out. What a pain. I saw a HUGE spider had one of the guys come in and kill it for me. Still having a panic attack I should keep a xanax in my purse but I guess its getting warm out and they are coming out now. I hate them. Well guess I should start my day. Hope everyone has a good one.

Wendy I understand where your coming from about just showing affection to prove it doesnt change a thing sounds like something I would do. I have this thing about being right. SHOCKER!! My sister is the same way about affection she doesnt really show it, I know shes feeling but damn hard to tell. If I am unhappy in my relationship I show NO emotions or affection cause really I dont feel anything that person doesnt make me happy why should I make them happy. I also work with a guy and we were talking and his parents showed no affection to each other he knew that they were unhappy just by the actions of the house. Now he has a hard time showing affection and sharing his feelings to his GF's. Its so hard to know whats right and whats wrong. Just remember to find time for yourself and find things to do that YOU like. Keep that balance.

[Japic05]

Good Morning everyone - Rise & Shine, up & at 'em - ok, maybe not so much right?

Geez, the "rumors on the street" about Ashley and her being back in jail are starting already - what she did, who she was with, blah, blah, blah - One of the other girls called last nite to see what was going on with her sister, I said, "I haven't heard from her in quite a while, so I'm sure it's not a good thing."

No sense in trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong - cause I really don't know, all I'm going by is what I was told. So, trying to MYOB. Yesterday & this morning the thoughts of calling the jail to see if she is still being held or calling the Public Defender she had from last time have been heavy on my mind, but then I ask myself "why?"

I need to just trust that my God will let me know what I need to know when I need to know it, right? right?

as you can see, I'm getting a little shaky on that this morning, but I'm sure I'll get past it.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful morning!!!

[Jewelz]

Good morning ladies,

Well today it will be pretty interesting I am going to have a meeting with my director and coworker. You see this coworker comes to me about being reimbursed for the phone calls she made on her cell phone. I never heard such a thing but I tell her to ask the director she said she did and the director said yeah she could. I make two phone calls to the main office to find out what she needs to do. When I attempt to explain it to her shes over talking me, catching an attitude which I still dont understand why and coming out nasty. Basically not hearing a thing I had to say. We went back and forth for a while and then I look at her and tell her you know what this has nothing to do with me... I handle petty cash but not reimbursment for phone calls so call the main office and ask them yourself and walked away. Mind you two coworkers try to get involved to explain to this woman what I am saying to no avail. This is the second time this woman talked nasty to me. I swear if I didnt need or like my job I would have cursed the crap out of her. I hear complaints about her all the time with fellow coworkers and I wont tolerate her talking down to me or not respecting me. I have been with this agency for almost 5 years now... she has been here 4 months.. really who does she think she is and what authority does she think she has over me. I know for sure its none.

So instead of holding it in I spoke to the director cause this is the second time she came out like this and mind you I was attempting to help her.... we work for the same program and supposed to work as a team. So the director is going to meet with both of us. I hate to say it but I am hoping she comes out nasty in the meeting or raises her voice. I guess thats sick thinking but I want the director to see what I am talking about. Mind you this workers is a case worker who works with foster parents, kids and birth parents. She should know how to speak to people even if you dont like them... know how to show respect, and most of all have some people skills. Okay that was my vent!!

I hate to even talk about this but abf got paid again yesterday and he came home from work without getting high.. woke me up gave me money for the house, also money to put aside, and to hold money for himself. This is two pay checks that I have seen so far come home without it getting spent on drugs. Trust me this is such an accomplishment for him. But I dont know how to act I dont want to be happy just in case the floor falls under me but I also dont know if I should be saying anything to him about it... like baby your doing good and so on. I kinda stay quiet and act like everything is normal. Not sure what to say to him.

I hope everyone has a good day

Jewelz

[Jewelz]

I need to just trust that my God will let me know what I need to know when I need to know it, right? right?

Japic, to me this is the best way to think even as hard as it may be not to try to find out whats going on. All you could really do is Let go and Let god. I believe if you dont know anything for sure then you arent supposed to know.... maybe.

hugs to you cause I know this is extremely hard to let go and to believe that god has his plan.

Jewelz

[Japic05]

Jewelz - nothing wrong with enjoying the moment - for today he's working and giving you the money you need to provide for your family, that's a good thing.

Thanks for the encouragement - I read that page in the NarAnon book, it helped me a lot too. (for those of you who haven't seen it - I posted it on the Friends & Family Forums)