Pennies for your thoughts part 64

[Palm Tree]

What a beautiful day in Toronto here today......we have a Transit strike but they were ordered back to work.......so this strike lasted since midnight Friday to 4:00pm today.......longest strike ever WOW.....:a043

[Jewelz]

Oh boy Palm I remember when we had a transit strike here in nyc it was horrible but ours lasted a couple of days... and during the holiday season. I was about 8 months pregnant... wasnt fun at all. The weather is crappy here in ny cloudy, chilly and look like it might rain any moment.

[Jewelz]

I just listened to this song called "pocket full of sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield. Here are the lyrics but first I want to tell you what two different parts of the song mean to me... When she's talking about her love for me it means the love I have for myself.. and the second part when she is describing her secret place it reminds me of SR. This place that no one knows about, a secret place where I could be ME and have no worries.

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.

Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me.
No.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A higher place.

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.

Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me.
No.

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh.

Wish that you could, but you ain't gonna own me.
Do anything you can to control me.
Oh, no.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A higher place.

There's a place that I go,
But nobody knows.
Where the rivers flow,
And I call it home.

And there's no more lies.
In the darkness, there's light.
And nobody cries.
There's only butterflies.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A higher place.

Take me away: A secret place.
A sweet escape: Take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A higher place.

Take me away: A secret place.
To better days take me away.

Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A higher place.

The sun is on my side.
Take me for a ride.
I smile up to the sky.
I know I'll be all right.

The sun is on my side.
Take me for a ride.
I smile up to the sky.
I know I'll be all right.

[Japic05]

Good Monday Morning Everyone!

Sounds like we had a busy weekend -

Connie glad Gracie had a good party!

Finally, how great for AH to have 3 wks and work going good for him.

Lies - was wondering where you had been

Jewelz - isn't it tough to turn off our "brains"? for me, it's like sometimes I get just a passing thought and it snowballs into the huge massive thought process - I wonder how many times when AH was using & driving really, really bad that I had him in auto accident, dead, funeral planned and all the events planned out just because he was 5 minutes late.

When my mind goes off on those wild thoughts - I have to MAKE myself stop that and replace my thoughts with something else - mediatate on the Serenity Prayer, read recovery literature or another book, focus on some other activity. That's just what helps me.

oops - gotta run do some work stuff - be back to finish my morning "hello"

[liesagain]

hi everyone................
connie so glad gracies party went well and she got a chance to meet the other side

Palm so good to hear from you and glad you and lizzie had some time together

impurrfect, the death of stephensmom's son............I still cant get that off my mind addiction is horrible and things like this make me angry and just sad that deep down how can this keep happening kinda sad.........

Japic, thanks for asking. I've been busy with work I changed my schedule and its been nuts working night shifts and day shifts still trying to find my balance. I have found a bit of time to catch up here just not alot of time or modivation ( Cant think of a better word ----- to post

I'm having a tough time AH is still doing well in treatment but things..........well I just dont know anymore I guess you could say I'm having me issues........anger resentment just plain tired of it and feeling that even in treatment it isnt enough for me somehow.........worry that things may never be right again, that I'd always be setteling in some way .....hard to explain just me issues I guess thanks again for asking about me and thanks for listening to me ramble.
but I have been reading step one!!! go me I've yet to write a single word.............
started reading it, trying to pray not just the prayer I say for others, but really pray talk to my HP kind of pray and I've been journaling so..............I'm trying

Gotta run have to work that day shift today and I have 8 patients to get to.............
everyone have a blessed and peaceful day...........

wendy been thinking about you and hoping your okay, you to aj, kj, live.......and...everyone else

[anvilhead]

hey gang....not running with my usual cheery mood - thinking i'm heading into pms week again and i do believe i'm tiring of it!!!! not a thing to really complain about tho...nice weekend, great food, good rest.....hank started cleaning off the roof and even somehow coaxed me up the ladder - some day we hope to add an addition up there for the "master suite" and he said i better get a good look at my view! but see me and gravity have this agreement......i don't test it, and it will leave me alone, so i usually steer clear of ROOF tops! he held the ladder nice and steady - it's the going back DOWN part..you know when you have to step out into empty space??? dang pretty up there tho!

so we got him up and off, it's a rainy drizzly day and i'm trying to talk myself into the shower now......my "just do it" isn't doing it!! haha

[Japic05]

lies - that's great that you are reading the stuff on step 1 - when you are reading - you will start writing - it will come. I can fully relate to the "treatment" isn't enough. Probably him seeking treatment only addresses part of the issues in the relationship - I know for my AH & I - there are other issues that the "isms" of the disease cause - even if he is not actively "drinking or using"

Which is kinda where we are right now. For almost a month now, he's been going to meetings and doing the "deal" and I'm really starting to see that healthy person come back in his eyes. (Wow, I didn't really realize how much I have missed "him" - until I think this weekend.)

There have been other issues that with recovery, start to work in the right way too - like starting to be a little more financially responsible - he is working and started umpiring softball games for extra money. The saying one thing and really doing that thing - the being where you say you are going to be - The care & pride he is showing in our home and upkeep of our yard.

He's still very, very far off from getting everything back together in his life and I have still kept my distance emotionally and physically from him. Cause 30 days of meetings although it does start some healthy recovery in him - for me - it doesn't undo the past 1 1/2 of the disrespect and past behaviors.

It's tough - tho - Gotta stay focused on my own recovery - reading my step work, and all those other good things.

Palm - glad you got to spend time with Lizzie - like I have said before - regardless of where Ash is right now, the day I spent with her & Jace was wonderful - I have no idea where she is and what's going on in her life today - just know that her HP has a plan.

I'm still in the cleaning mode - worked all Sat & Sun - cleaning at the old house - threw away tons of trash, priced bunches of stuff for the garage sale and even found a few things I needed at the new house. Lots of sore muscles - but it's one of those soreness that is a good feeling cause you feel like you have accomplished something!!

Maybe I'll clean some of my office today???

[cookconfay]

Good morning family.....

Just dropping in to say a quick hello to all of you. Hope everyone has a nice day and a peaceful one.

I'm still in a bit of a "shock", emotional upheaval, funk, not sure what to call it. Glad little one got to meet her cousins, was weird talking to sis in law, not sure if they are all back biting me today or not.....just a lot of emotions coming up. Sis in law tells me xah is doing really well in prison this time, all good time, no more new cases, no gang stuff, etc. Why should that rattle me? I always start with the what if....sh!t. I just don't think he will EVER grow up though. He's very whiny, he's very immature, he's hurt me to the quick extremely bad!!! So, why does my stupid sick brain even try to go there? Cuz I'm so lonely? HA, not even if he was the last MF on the planet. See, in one breath I can say that, but if he were to walk up to me....those blue eyes, those smooth talking ways of his.....he has a very charismatic personality.....DAMMITT!!!!!

[Japic05]

Connie - aren't you glad that God does for us what we can not do for ourselves??? At least he's in prison so you don't have to worry about that today - right???
meant that as a joke - please no offense - ok???

cause of course I'm talking about me too -

thank God - He stops me from doing stuff - I KNOW I would regret later!!!!

[cookconfay]

Oh I know.....and yes, I've always said, when he's locked up I have peace of mind cuz I know he's not about to just "show up" at my door! Get this though.....Saturday while little one is at dance....I ran errands of course, but the laundry right there by the dance place is where ole Rustbucket does his laundry.....his truck was there! NOW how could seeing just a damn vehicle send me into a tailspin? Not sure, but it sure got me goin in my head about him! Should I call, maybe he really has been sober for what...3 months? LOL, it's funny now but Saturday it drove me Nuckin Futs!

[anvilhead]

its official....bucky and i took a vote and we concluded that mama needs a ME day.......cuz ME needs a haircut way bad, and ME needs some new undies and maybe a couple tops from Wally World, and ME might wanna take a nap today and ME wants to go back and check out the WinCo grocery store again, without having chase the human rocket down the aisles - oh and ME wants some new candles.....

MAN it is POURING right now....we got drizzled on pretty steadily on our walk, got home just in time it appears - i love the sound of the rain on the flat roof.........at this rate, hank's crew is gonna get rained out!!! which would be nice to have him home, but i'm not gonna let it interfere with my plans!!!

it must be the right decision, cuz i felt this weight lift from my chest....i have a terrible habit of putting my needs behind everybody else's and just forgetting that i need some self care now and then! darn good thing i wasn't planning on GARDENING tho!

[anvilhead]

hey connie, keep in mind the statement: he's doing really well IN PRISON this time!

[cookconfay]

I know huh....:rof

[cinderellawkids]

Morning, a quick check in and then back to focusing on work, one of my current goals. Theres lots going on, got served with a lawsuit on an old credit card Id forgotten about and Im trying to decide how to handle it and if I want to file bankruptcy. I dont want to get into court ordered payment arrangements that something happens and I can keep, I also have to start paying student loans this month from forever ago, uggghhh. Then with the price of food and gas rising, and kids about to be out for summer, and NO, Ill enver count on AH no matter what he brings me how often.... I kinda ignore him, he's like on of the critters, I take what I can and leave the rest-no not a marriage but the spot where we are at. I made a list of things I absolutely would never again pay for, loan cover ect which includes cable home phone, his deodarant, razors, fav foods ect. He has to pay half the food or Im only buying a big jar of peanut butter and powdered milk (He has powdered milk nightmares from childhood.)

He's trying to get more side jobs and he has started GED classes.


Enough about that crap..
Im on an organizing spree, gonna go get some of those plastic containers for storage, Im not sure if Ill do better at Dollar General or Big Lots? but I hate Charcoal bag sitting out, need to store unused aquarium supplies, put winter clothes in attic and organize toys and books. Im on a mission.

Turtles moved into their patio pond this weekend. Its cute 5 foot by 5 foot.

STill needs a bit more decorating. Outside my gladiolas are coming out of the ground and I replannted some amarylis and caladiums.
The ratties have babies, Sarinas didnt do well so I took the 2 living ones and let Bianca adopt them and they are doing much better now.
I guess thats all in my world

[Japic05]

That's a busy world Cindi!!

Don't ya love having things organized - I think that's why I'm not too tired today - having so much accomplished from this weekend makes it feel so good - makes me want to leave work and go tackle the rest of the stuff!!!!

I love for things to have their place and to be set a certain way (control freak coming out in me!!!!) After we finish with the old house stuff - have a couple of things to re-organize in the new house & then I'll be done!! yippee!!

[WENDYLOST101]

Morning ya'll. It has been a weekend from hell for me, again. I wont go into details cause I know nothing changes if nothing changes. But I sure could use your prayers this morning. I am losing hoe, losing faith just plain losing it. I am having a hard time concentrating at work this morning. I dont want to be here and I DONT want to go home. I am sorry if it seems like I only post when I am struggling. I dont mean to do it. I am here alot and I dont even sign in. I do read and I do think about all of you every day. I love you all.

[cookconfay]

Hugs & prayers to you Wendy! Wish things were different for you.....can you put a plan into action yet? Let me know if there's anything I can do from here......so far away, you can come stay with me if you want to....

[WENDYLOST101]

Connie, thanks for the offer. I dont think there is anybody who can do anything. I have to take the steps myself, and I am just not ready to deal with the chaos and destruction that I know will happen when I leave. I wish things were diiferent too.

[Jewelz]

Wendy,

First off dont apoligize for not posting as much as you think you should. We come here for support, we give and take. I believe you need us right now... maybe more than you know. We are here for YOU! I know the feeling of wanting to post what I am going through but then think again and say to myself whats the point of posting its the same story again... BUT and I say BUT I am wrong when I do that and I believe when we stop posting thats when we need it more than ever. Even if its the same crap back again, the pain is there and you need to let it out, let the pain go and writing could help you with that. Half the time when I am writing here its as if its my dairy letting it flow. I may not agree with all the replies but I understand now and know that all replies from the pennies thread comes fromt the heart and love.

Like I told you in myspace you can call me anytime

hugs to you wendy,

Jewelz

[Japic05]

((Wendy))

Let me ask you something-would you ever tell me to stop talking about the pain and stuff that I feel about Ash? Do you ever think - oh man, there goes Rita blabing again about that same ole stuff with her AH-how he gets better and then slips; about how she misses her grandkids but has fun with some of the others?

Do you ever feel that way about me? Do you ever want me to not post about that stuff? Cause let me tell ya, I've been around here a little over a yr and not too much of that has changed but ya'll keep listening, everyone here keeps supporting me, letting me vent when I need to, giving me encouragement
AND

we all will do the same for YOU!!!!

For me, I know that you have been praying and seeking your HP's will in your life and your situation. I know that you are afraid of the future and what may happen - I also know that you have been looking for answers for what to do. From my personal experience, when I go thru those times - IT IS SCARY!!! and I need the support of my closest friends.

It's like jumping off the High Diving Board - you know you want to, you know you need to cause all the kids are lining up behind you, but it's scary, and you're just not sure if you can do it - when you're ready - you will. You will make that jump into the water of a better life for you

Whatever that jump may be. and I pray that you know we are here for you and that you can share with us as often as you need to.

praying that your HP sends you the strength and courage to know that when you're ready - He will be with you every step of the way.