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Jewelz I can relate to the feelings you are having. Addiction just plain sucks. I have a great deal of anger as well that will take time to heal. I know eventually I will get to a point when I can just let it go but can never forget what caused that pain.
I hope you enjoy your luncheon today... being with good friends always help cheer me up.
We're supposed to have counseling tonight but my baby sitters are not available. AH wanted me to do an individual session; which I am not oppossed to, but I said well maybe you should take it. He has been trying to "impress" upon me all the things I do and say in this relationship that causes his anger and inappropriate behavior. We spent about 40 minutes in conversation this morning about the cycle we get into. Bottom line It's just not good for either of us. Both of us need to make the changes. I need to learn to cool down my anger and rage before I confront him. The things he does stirs up all kinds of emotions for me, but there is a better way for me to express it. I am not good at that. My emotions somehow give me permission to blast him out of the water with my words. I know its hurtful to him and I guess at the time I'm out for blood and want to hurt him. This is my issue... his issues acting out because he's angry at me... which violates my boundaries at that point he doesn't care... he's insubordinate and wants to rebel. O.K. we're not 15 years old anymore... don't you think maybe that could be something you could change? He is so stuck in making me "pay" for my anger... in his mind he refuses to change if I don't change. Is it that he believes he does not contribute to the pain in the home or refuses to take any ownership of his part.
So I clearly said I would prefer you go to the counselor this evening and just talk about your anger and feelings because in my opinion you believe this therapist will fix me and all will be right in your life. I said if you are not willing to change then all will not be right. He expects immediate change from me; which won't happen, but I'm getting better. He believes going to meetings and working with a sponser will not help me... he does not see any growth. I said that's o.k. I know I'm growing and changing regardless of whether you want to see it or not.
He's twisted and talking to him too long drives me crazy. It's tit-for-tat with him just like a child. So frustrating. O.K. I'm done now with that.
Had a great meeting last night. I did choose Forgiveness as my topic and the meeting was very powerful. Glad I stuck with it.
I hope each of you enjoys the day.
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05-08-2008, 09:43 AM
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