Penny for your thoughts number 59

[finallyout]

ya know, i really think i'm freakin for no reason, he said he stopped at a parts place to look for something which explains why he was late, and he knows every cent counts right now if he wants his chipper repaired and food etc. so i think its fine and if not, well i will just resort to throwing heavy objects at his head later tonight. just kiddding!!

[anvilhead]

morning all.........quick check in, we're gathering our wits to head off to the homeshow soon........dogs are completely enamored with each other.......much humping and licking, rather embarrassing! my dog is gay! much fun last nite. without any serious harm. dinner rocked....everyone slept well.......our first customers at the B&B! hope everyone has a terrific weekend........idiot free zone!

[finallyout]

anvil- have fun at the show, sorry to hear your dog's gay LOL - but as long as hes happy right? LOL.

[anvilhead]

guests just left.......so fun, we went for a nice lil diner style breakfast and then mosied on downtown to the home show.........i was the "bag lady" collecting all the pamphlets and whatnots.....hit the pyramid alehouse across the street afterwards......headed home, let the dogs run out back, coaxed our friends into the kayaks....they were out there racing and giggling, dogs racing around the yard, into the lake, race around some more........now we can kinda unwind and go back to being hermits.........hank loves his new truck....probably ordering pizza.....life is good

[Palm Tree]

Originally Posted by liesagain

after many disappointments today and many frustrating hours back and forth on the phone, my AH founnd a program and is there

my feelings are mixed I am worried and relieved

No contact with any of us for 30 days, no calls no visits
then he works there for the 1st 90 days goes to meetings and groups and after 90 days he can get a job off site, but the money goes in an account and if he leaves he loses all funds, if he completes he gets his money

the program is a year, which honestly is alittle worrysome to me, and I feel a little sick thinking about it, but on the other hand hes doing something to try to get better what more can I ask?

suddenly I think the last few days are catching up to me and I am soo soo tired
thanks for your thoughts and prayers guys!!

Ohhh honey, as lonely and confusing and despair, this is the BEST thing for him and deep inside you must know that!!!! all else has failed and his relapsed has shown to be very scary this time - and for your safety and his, he must do this program where he will be monitored, fed and taken care of, he needs this right now, he needs this to prove to himself and to his family that this can be done; as hard and difficult this is for him, I am very proud that he's at least trying - I am sending lots of HUGS N PRAYERS for you both at this difficult time and hopefully it will prove to be successfull....

30 days with no contact is not that bad, where you know you're saving someone's life, someone that you still love very dearly...after the 30 days he starts conselling and meetings this is great and just what he needs in his life now....1 full year is a good and extensive program to be into and I know you worked hard to get him in there - be proud of yourself and your accomplishements for your husband.

Don't look at this in despair, but look at it as HOPE....

HUGS N PRAYERS TO BOTH....

[liesagain]

thanks Palm, I'm good. Really I am not sure that I believe he's going to stay there............maybe for now he will because with the relapse and me saying he couldnt come home........he spend a night or two in his truch, cold cramped hungry and whatever...........so for right now he's committed but I am really expecting to hear from him with all kinds of reasons he will need to leave that program.............maybe I'm wrong but right now thats my feeling about that.

I only gave him phone numbers, whne he had ran out of options for treatment and he picked this place so its up to him ..........its his treatment and his recovery today his issues dont have to effect me and the kids..........

Its strange, I feel distant and withdrawn, little hope but I have no dread or fear today so thats good.



I had a good day went out to lunch with my little one and my sister her husband and their twins................and right now these two little ones are really my favorite people............
my other sister had her baby hes healthy ( preeme but doing well ) and my sister is doing well.
went shopping bouth myself a few new shirts, and then went to a friend jewelry party and bought myself a few things...............had a glass of wine and just talked with my girlfriends for hours with no talk of drugs or relapse or treatment.....just life, kids food etc so it was a nice distraction!!

I'm still hanging in .............thanks everyone



so life is going along........

[liesagain]

thanks Palm, I'm good. Really I am not sure that I believe he's going to stay there............maybe for now he will because with the relapse and me saying he couldnt come home........he spend a night or two in his truck, cold cramped hungry and whatever...........so for right now he's committed but I am really expecting to hear from him with all kinds of reasons he will need to leave that program.............maybe I'm wrong but right now thats my feeling about that.

I am not trying to control his treatment, if he leaves so be it. What I am trying to control now is the damage to my life and the kids life..........hes gotta do his stuff himself.........I can only wait, hope and pray.........


I di gave him phone numbers for treatment centers, when he had ran out of options for treatment and I gave them to him but he picked this place so its up to him ..........its his treatment and his recovery---- today his issues dont have to effect me and the kids..........

Its strange, I feel distant and withdrawn, little hope but I have no dread or fear today so thats good.

Over all I had a good day went out to lunch with my little one and my sister her husband and their twins................and right now these two little ones are really my favorite people............
my other sister had her baby hes healthy ( preeme but doing well ) and my sister is doing well.
went shopping bought myself a few new shirts, and then went to a friend's jewelry party and bought myself a few things...............had a glass of wine and just talked with my girlfriends for hours with no talk of drugs or relapse or treatment.....just life, kids food etc so it was a nice distraction!!

I'm still hanging in .............thanks everyone

[liesagain]

Connie--- hang in there dont let his call upset you, you are doing so well!!!

Finally, I was reading about your morning and your worry about the bank card..............ya know you shouldnt feel bad for the doubt or the worry because I believe that WE have been conditioned to react to these circumstances...........meaning if they didnt do these things over and over we wouldnt have these types of reactions and fears........

the actions are kind like our triggers, when we get triggered by something that was connected in any way to one of their previous relapses then we react............

I told my husband once........Yeah I over react sometimes but he will just have to understand.................if I hadnt been given so many reasons in the past to worry these little things wouldnt hold such negative thoughts and feelings
and that in time with more and more times passing that my fear and reactions arent confirmed then I am sure it will get better.......just my opinion
hugs and I hope it went well

everyone else.............have a great weekend!!

[cookconfay]

You sound good Lies....I hope for his sake that he does get help, that he does stay and stick it out. But....we all know recovery isn't for those that "need" it, it's only for those that truly "want" it.

Anvil, your time with your guests sounds fun....glad ya'll were able to enjoy yourselves!

We had a pretty good day today.....I was really thinking when Gracie's friend came over that her mom would leave her here for a while. It's perfectly ok that she decided to sit and stay and visit. A very pleasant and funny gal, we had a nice chat. I was just hoping to accomplish something this afternoon while Gracie was being entertained, LOL! Oh well.....there's always tomorrow evening and Monday!

[mtnmagic]

Happy - Hope you enjoyed your night out and the sushi was great.

Lies - I am amazed at your strength. I'm so glad that you took the time out to do for you while in the mist of all the chaos addiction is creating in your life. You are teaching me that there really is a different way to handle the pain and fear an addict can create.
For me it is my oldest son. Little bit different as far as the relationship goes, but it is showing me that I really can detach and live my own life.

Anvil - Sounds like you had a wonderful day. Love the pic that is your avatar.

Connie - Wow, you went with the flow there. I'm not very flexible, but working on it. I'm afraid, if I have other plans and life interrupts them I'm usually thrown for a loop.
Looking at the postive of the situation that I'm in is certainly something that I'm gonna have to try!

Work was long, and very busy. Got home late and am trying to unwind so I can get some sleep, only to start all over tomorrow. It's a holiday weekend so it will be more of the same. Good news is the tips were very good tonight.

Sleep well my new friends.

[Jewelz]

Good morning guys... I still need to catch up. I am at the laundromat and it cost one dollar for ten minutes internet use. I dont mind the dollar to go online for a few but I wanted to play pac man on one of there arcade machines and they wanted a dollar for that too. No wonder why I leave my daughter home when I come here... it'll cost to much money.

My washer came and the dryer too it turns out the dryers plug wont fit into my outlet.. the delivery men were jerk off's and the warehouse too extremely nasty. They took back the dryer but I have to call the sales associate this morning to find a dryer that'll work. ABF still wanted me to give a tip to the guys that came yesterday but i am sorry if your nasty and condecending SP I wont give you a dime.

We also went to IKEA... big mistake to go with kids... my son was very cranky and didnt want to be confined in the stroller or in the shopping cart and my ten year old daughter was acting like a complete brat. ok gotta go 5 minutes left to the clock on this thing.

jewel

[Impurrfect]

Hi everyone!

Hope everyone has a good Sunday. Work has been kicking my butt this last week, but it's making my checking account look good, so I'm not complaining. It's supposed to rain today, so good sleeping weather!

Anvil - Tinker is gay, too....when she goes into heat, she humps everything! I keep telling her she's not supposed to be the humper...but the humpee. She just doesn't get it.

When I stopped at the store this morning, taking Desirae home (she lives in the 'hood), saw a girl talking to a guy in a car, then jump in.....had a flashback and was immediately grateful that I don't live like that any more! I did some really stupid stuff to get crack, and it's a miracle I didn't get killed.

Off to sleep....

Amy

[cookconfay]

Morning all..............geez, very good meeting last night ... the guy who spoke has like 38 yrs. of sobriety.....his story is very good, he was wanted in 33 states and way back ended up doing ONLY 5 yr sentence in FEDERAL prison. Wow....

Today is jam packed as usual, church, baby shower, home, rest (i.e. get Gracie for a tiny nap of some sort) then back to church for my class which I love!

The baby shower....well love the gal and guy who are expecting but there are 2 gals giving the shower who sort of took over from my sis who wanted to give the shower and pushed her way to the back aren't including her stuff....it's a mess and tension mounts. They didn't invite my other sis and mom! Sigh.....Oh well.....I'm not staying long and let one of 'em tell me I shouldn't have brought Gracie! It'll be on then...........:rof They have no idea about my "mafia" involvement

BUT, good news is I'm off tomorrow so maybe, just maybe I'll be able to get stuff done in my room, taking pics off walls, moving stuff out so sis can texture this week! Oh, all that AFTER the glorious mammogram I have to go get done at 8:30 a.m.! I absolutely HATE those damn things!

Have a good one all of you..........take it easy, be kind to yourselves today!!!!

Love and prayers to all .............................

[cookconfay]

Oh and speaking of gay dogs.......WELL, right now I have NO dogs, but I had Lucy & Ethel....remember? Anyways, both females, both fixed and they'd hump each other! I read it's about a "power" thing....see Lucy was here first, then Ethel came along....just a tidbit of info there for ya!

[liesagain]

good morning everyone. It is a beautiful day here..............

mtnmagic, I wanted to say thank you for your compliments but really it isnt strength its pure desperation, frustration and a realization that something different has to happen this time. I guess you can say I am a classic codependent and I am an enabler
over time I guess, I'm figuring it out but its coming in baby steps for sure!!

You said in your post..........for you its your son..............
when I first came to SR I felt that there was such a big difference between having the addict in your life be your child as opposed to your spouse
sometimes I was resentful when parents of addicts would tell me to leave or imply I should...........or when they would say detach live your own life............

mostly I felt like.....it was easier .........when its not your spouse because a parents day to day life doesnt have to change if their child is out using but when its your spouse the day to day really does change...............but I have learned alot over time and one thing I thing I know today is --- beyond a doubt that the pain and the sufferring for the family isnt measurable, and parent spouse brother or sisiter aunt or uncle it doesnt matter
loving an addict hurts and fills your life with fear and pain.........

BUT today MY heart goes out even more to the parents, because I choose to love this man and I choose if hes in my life or not...........and the love for your child is not a choice and its the deepest love there is................and as much as it turns my life upside down for my husband to use, I realize that my child using would rip my heart out.....not just turn my life upside down!!!

SO really mtnmagic, its you and all the other parents out there that are strong and show strength just by being able to get out of bed each day and make it thru to each night..............as a parent, I believe that doing that the simple act of making it thru the day when your child is hurting themself.............thats strength .........thank you for being here and helping me remember that!

[liesagain]

Amy, I am glad that you are able to see that and feel gratitude.

Thats recovery!!

many see those reminders and feel shame and regret and let that bother them until it gets to a point where it takes them back out............

one thing I feel deep in my heart is that one of the reasons my AH hasnt gotten it is because he has yet to face the wreckage of his past, he has yet to be 100% honest and share with another human being the places his addiction has taken him..............he still has to keep the appearance of being better than others and he is still more concerned with how he would look to others..........

In my heart of hearts I KNOW that there are things there that hes doing or has done in his active addiction that prevents him from moving forward and staying clean for any length of time

I am glad that you are clean today and YOUR not out there living that life!!!!

[anvilhead]

good sunday morning to everyone! the skies cleared over nite so it's quite chilly, layer of frost on the rooftops and the docks, whispy fingers of fog rose of the lake as the sun rose - really quite nice day on tap!

amy, those doses of gratitude are little gifts from above.....there for the grace of god....i am SO glad that you are where you are today instead of where you might have been......

connie, it sounds like you have had a very busy productive weekend! i had to do the socializing with another female this weekend too - besides YOU guys i just don't do that much, and it was really ok - but god people wear me out!!! i hope gracie girl gets that nap today! have fun at class tonite!

lies, you are holding so strong and steady........more will be revealed they say.......

mtnmagic, thank you so much for joining into this bruhaha.....you may live to regret it, but you're in the mafia now! tee hee!

dish fairies suck. hank and i get to play yard fairies today - yup, gonna load all the yard stuff into the truck today (once it gets a smidge above 40 and the sun gets a little higher in the sky!) and start getting this place spiffed up! we sat and went thru the various pamphlets and brochures from the home show and let ourselves get inspired and shared ideas for some of our "projects" - hank came up with a singularly BRILLIANT plan for the deck - extending out from the front room here by my perch - the door to nowhere is right THERE, so we have access, there's only a 3 ft service ledge out there right now......

ok the problem with the sun shining in the windows is you see just how filthy said windows are! my goodness.....adding that to my TO DO list!!!!

ps - i'm glad we're down to one dog again....! and i don't have to watch to boy dogs rolling in the bushes, doing the 69 thing........sheesh, enough already.

[finallyout]

Good morning, well not so much for me, feeling sick, horrible cough but made it work only a little late. All my kids have horrible coughs and feel like crap. Had to babysit for a friend last night, which was Ok, except apparently her cleaning skills suck, her puppy is way out of control and they were like an hour late getting home, so here i was a 1/2 hour from with 4 cranky overly tired kids at midnight when they finally got home. no more offers to babysit for them thats for sure. but on the bright side, i did totally overact about chas, hes fine, even came with for the babysitting adventure and went over to this gourmet grocery store and bought us all goodies. at one point it was so bad, with the kids not feeling well etc, that i told him to just take the kids home and i'd have my friend drive me home,but hes was like - no, i can't just leave you here alone, i've done to much of that in the past. now maybe he was just sucking up for some reason but it sounded genuine at the time!

lies - i think your doing great and i agree that we are sorta programmed to overreact these days, i mean after 11 yrs of his crap, of course i'm gonna think the worse and i do think thats one thing he understands. when he is doing the right thing, he will calmly explain what hes doing, where hes going etc, but when hes up to no good, i get the defensive i can do what i want crap - so i always know the difference anyway.

connie - do you ever get a day to just relax?! i really would not have the energy to keep up with you!

amy - we're all glad that thats not your life anymore too!

jewelz-ikea is my favorite place!! i just told chas last night that i want to go on monday. doesn't yours have the kids play area that you can leave them in? mine does, its great, free babysitting while you shop, doesn't get much better than that!

ok gotta work a little - hope everyone has a nice day!

[anvilhead]

jewelz, when renee was living in LA, she bought a washer/dryer only to discover the hookups weren't compatible either! very frustrating!!! hang in there and don't let those jerks get to ya!

ooo, at the homeshow they had a cute little two seater hottub....that runs on 110, just plug it into the outlet. we really aren't considering a hot tub, but something small like that might be worth considering - waaayy down the road. it's called BELLA no less!! our resident F*ck the NoNo! see? i can't go anywhere without you guys popping up!

[finallyout]

oohh a hot tub huh? that sounds awesome, definately want one of those myself someday. last summer my parents were looking at those things called softspas, you can put them on your deck and patio and i think they just plug in too. and their cheaper than most hot tubs.

ok so i'm freakin a little again. apparently one of the homeless women here in the shelter tested positive for TB, which means i've been exposed to it and exposed my kids etc. i wonder if thats whats causing us all to be sick for the last week. gotta break down tommorrow and get everyone to the dr. maybe this job was a bad idea, i never really thought of being exposed to something like that, that could make the kids sick. i just hope the dr. will take them first thing in the morning. this could be bad.

[anvilhead]

somebody just shut me up......speaking of appliances....man have you seen those drawer style dishwashers??? instead of the door opening like an oven door and then pulling the rack out, the shebang rolls out like a big drawer.......upper and lower drawers so if you have a short load you can conserve water etc.......man i want one of those. hank says it's my turn to get some stuff (really, mr i wanna???), that in fact he insists on - he knows hand washing dishes isn't my fave thing and he saw how much i enjoyed the new DW at the beach cottage....we plan to remodel the kitchen so it would be a step in that direction and we won't be moving the plumbing side of the kitchen.......