Penny for your thoughts #48

[cookconfay]

Ok, so it looked as if it needed to be done...I'll be the one....

You know the drill....talk about whatever floats your boat.....ups downs ins outs, houses, kids, pets, weather, recovery or others' lack of......

They say this is the basement....I feel like it's the top of the world!!!!!!!!

[cookconfay]

Loves...I think you need to do all of the above...call cops, set traps, get a hot wire keep a golf club, baseball bat, gun something!!!

Now, check this sh!t out...AGAIN he called....what are you doing...getting out of the shower goin to a meeting...left it sort of up in the air which one I was goin to....after the one I went to was over, he pulls in the parking lot and I didn't know it was him....he follows me for several blocks, miles whatever and called me on my cell and wanted to follow me to the store I was headed to to talk...still he does not understand how I can be so cold and callous to him...WTF, again I reiterate to him, I think he needs to work on his self and that I want no part of being in the way of his taking care of him....and believe me at this point I see where his focus is....on ME. And frankly .... I can see how I freaked people out in my past, I used to be the very same way!!!! PLEASE......no wonder they all ran off!

I just keep telling him he's gotta get ok with his self, get honest, says he has 30 days and got a chip tonight??? Well, still no sponsor, still no steps, and doesn't want to lose me for good. I can NOT tell him anymore to just take care of his self and see what happens. I guess I may have to get my damn phone # changed? Then he just shows up and follows me and sh!t. HELP

Yeah I know I copied this over here....but just had to ..... maybe you understand maybe you don't.

I am really sad, angry, confused, and a little more hopeless about any future with xabf....seems he's never gonna get started to get better so we could even ATTEMPT it again....sigh


AS I'VE SAID BEFORE....JUST NOT USING....JUST NOT DRINKING.....IS NOT ENOUGH!!!!! :


_______

[cinderellawkids]

good morning. Hope everyones evenings went well. I slept great.

Thanks Connie for starting a new thread

[anvilhead]

ugh, coughed off an on all night long.....moved to the couch so at least hank wouldn't be as disturbed. it's a real dry cough, throat all irritated......hank just took off to go find cough syrup......all we could find at the little store last nite were cough drops........

so even tho i didn't sleep for squat, i feel pretty ok this morning. got the kitchen back in shape....hank heated up turkey leftovers last nite, looked like a bomb went off!

it's interesting us working together on such an involved project....we have totally different work styles.....i like to chat and stuff while working, he'd prefer to be quiet.....i tend to be more detail oriented, taking time to do it right and make it look good, he's a bit more of the slap and dash type. that's why we started with the entry way so we can kind of iron out our approach etc....i'll be taking the camera this morning to take some pics of the progress........gosh just getting the walls and ceiling washed made a HUGE difference.......you wonder, did the former owner even USE water?

speaking of contact you don't want.....a text message showed up on my blackberry on thanksgiving....from our old dealer. wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving. god those things rattle ya for a minute!!! i suppose it helps one maintain perspective.....

so a bit more coffee, wait for some daylight, and back to the other house we go!

[Lovestoomuch]

My phone is still ringing off the hook.........non stop!! I did manage to get some sleep last night. I have to babysit Wyatt today at 1 till about 9. I don't want my grandson to feel the stress I'm under so I'm putting the phone out of site. Even with the ringer off you can still see it light up each and every time a call comes in.

I did put it out there on myspace........I mean as to what's going on. I gotta tell you. For every a-hole you meet on myspace there are 5 more who aren't and want to help in any way they can. I've gotten some offers from people in the local area who have safe places for me to go, offers to contact someone they happen to know in the department of law enforcement and one judge!! Who knew. I was just typing it down on a blog to get it out of my system and give myself a little encouragement to get through this madness.

[cookconfay]

Yeah....setting boundaries and standing firm? I feel sorry for him and want to call him...WTF

Can't even begin to tell you why? He's sick and his desperation actually is a huge turn off, so why do I even have any sort of thought of "wanting" to be with him? GAWD

I went to see my counselor yesterday....next time I go we're doing a test thingy for ADHD...she says I have a VERY rapid thought process. I can't remember anything she tells me half the time! I even have to write stuff down she tells me...yeah taking notes!!! Ya'll try to tell me I'm not crazy...I have some serious issues and dang it I wanted to be so much better by now. Thought I was, really thought I'd come a long ways.....

[finallyout]

Good morning everyone. I am sitting here waiting for my parents to arrive, ughh. not really looking forward to this, its the first time they've seen ah since we separated, he went to jail and we got back together, should be lots of fun, NOT. i'm a little stressed, its not that they ever actually say anything, but the looks and the tension are enuf to make me wanna break open the wine already.

anyway, heard from the realtor, we should have a answer mon night.

be back soon, parents just arrived.

[Jewelz]

good morning guys. This week hasnt been so great.. I guess with Thanksgiving it made it hard, dont know. I've been sad all week, my heart has been feeling heavier than usually. I keep thinking about him and wondering. I keep making myself remember he is not the man I love. I think I know this but its making myself remember that its over and I need to let go. I wish it was easy to let go.. I keep holding on just hoping, praying for him to come home. Not come home high or drunk but home to him clean and sober. Right now thats not gonna happen and I know this. Its just making my heart understand and realize this is what is hard. I find myself consumed with thinking of him, wondering what hes doing when hes not out getting high, thinking if hes messing around with someone... I dont call him.. thats something I wont do but I have been tempted. I know what I want wont come from a phone call.

I just dont know how to let go.. how do you just give up everything you thought would be good? How do you move on? I will never understand why someone would give up everything for drugs. To lose someone to another person is so different to lose someone to drugs. I wish I could get away for a little while, get away from the reminders of him and this life I have.

[cinderellawkids]

Ive had memories today creep in of all the great and sweet things AH did. I mean really considerate things... and I had to remind myself of the rest. Its hard I so hope one day he gets it together, but Im not sure even then if I can trust, its scarey, I love him so much, I want it to work but I cant ignore the fact taht the first time he got clean from crack he was 500 miles away, and as well I am willing to bet he's smoking weed, just a hunch Ive had, and he's still not kept a regular job and only now am I too allegedly receive some money, gotta remember these things...gotta gotta. One day at a time right?

[cookconfay]

Gracie still has strep throat...apparently there is a pretty tough strain out there that is not responding to some antibiotics! So she's got more medicine...another 35.00 later and after 2 hrs of messing with her she still will not take a nap! Grrrrrrrrr, yep if there was a day to get drunk...today would be that day. Not feeling so hot myself, add to it all the crap from xabf, last night, feeling dizzy for some damn reason...can't get a nap out of Gracie, house is TOTALED, wanting to get so much done....Christmas decorations out & up and absolutely NOTHING is done. I am so on the verge of a big fat...."F*CK IT!"

[cinderellawkids]

hmm, I feeling pretty pathetic right now.

Its 4 on a Saturday and Im making carmamel irish cream drinks in martini glasses with sugar around the rim, just me, and my dog while my younger boys play cars in another room and my oldest is down the street.

I dont feel well today sorta beat and this is how I decided to spend this dreary damp afternoon. There was once a time I swore Id never drink alone. The good news is I only have 3 shot size bottles

[Jewelz]

Cook, take it easy I know how hard it is when the kids are sick, paying for medicine and not getting a brake. It'll get easier.


My kids are driving me out of my mind today arghhh.

[Jewelz]

must be something in the air cause I feel the same way Cindi.

[Lovestoomuch]

Originally Posted by Jewelz

I just dont know how to let go.. how do you just give up everything you thought would be good? How do you move on? I will never understand why someone would give up everything for drugs. To lose someone to another person is so different to lose someone to drugs. I wish I could get away for a little while, get away from the reminders of him and this life I have.

((Jewelz))

It was much easier for me to let go once I was able to detach. Once I no longer let what he was doing run my life and started focusing more on myself and my life it just sorta came naturally. Sometimes you gotta start small and just let it all fall into place.

[cinderellawkids]

Jewelz, Ive found it helps to pack up little things taht bring memories and today I moved my bed, found the coffee stains from where we through coffee at each other one morning and have masking tape above it with an arrow, that says "THIS IS NOT NORMAL, I DEMAND PEACE"

Im never repainting that wall

[cinderellawkids]

I just watched I dreamt of Africa with Kim Basinger and cried my eyes out. Now I want to move to Kenya and raise my kids there

[cinderellawkids]

Cindi, you're right...it isn't normal. And i demanded peace too. It seems to be working.

Yeah I have to admit I was just as guilty in that coffee fight, reminds me to do some anger managment reading, cause if he was here right now, Id be tempted to throw something, above all else I ahve to change my reactions.

So with the finish of my bailey airplane size bottle in decaf coffee Im dancing around the house singing to loud music and dancing with my kids

You know I just got upset hearing that AH bought himself work boots,, but Im looking around and my house has been completely redecorated free to me by friends, and my cubbards are full of food, all kids have new shoes and I got a new pair recently. I need to just be happy

[cinderellawkids]

thanks Im realizing now that I have lots of buried anger so its something I ahve to work on....it hit me a few minutes ago, my dad was always behind on childsupport and as a teen mom, stepdad and I had so little, so maybe some of my repressed anger is deeper than AH

[cookconfay]

I'm just flat out restless, irritable, discontent.....not hungry by any means, but angry lonely and tired. Hmmmmm, another meeting would do me good, perhaps one he doesn't FOLLOW ME from???? But, here comes the guilt over asking for a babysitter again! Can't win............................................... ..........

[Jewelz]

I feel much of the same cook. I dont know what to do with myself.. my thoughts keep going. Thank god my son went to sleep early. I have one down and another to go. I wish I could get out of here and go some where.

[cinderellawkids]

Ok guys what are the chances a kid can get chicken shot even if they were vaccinated??? SOmethings up with my three year old, it could be bites, I guess by morning Ill know

[Jewelz]

it could be possible cindi... now they make the kids get two shots one when they are young and another one like five years later

[cinderellawkids]

Also some viral infections (colds) carry a rash after they are gone a few days and he was previously sick, and/or its possible we have fleas again, but, he's not scratching like bug bites... he says they itch but when we get flea bites we tear ourselves apart. I gave him a good bath coated in cream and Ill watch

[cinderellawkids]

and flea bites would be all over, not under his clothing, his arms and legs are clear

[Jewelz]

Thats good hopefully its the after effect of the fviral infection. That happened to Michael before.