Emotional Abuse.... thoughts..

[WorriedWoman]

well I have come to the conclusion that apparently I am a codependent, but at least I have started to get my ass out of the situation as soon as I realize what's going on.. it's just weird though..

I finally got my divorce from an emotional abusive husband, granted he don't see it that way.. Having the cops called when he threatned my pets were just ridiculus.. (in his opinion) and then I meet a guy who had alcohol problems but I did end up leaving, he was very supportive emotionally though, and fully functional, he was just a sweetheart, just that I know that can change ten years down the road... after taht I have been on a few dates, and it's weird.. there is so many partial emotional abusers out there and I don't even think they know it..

The last guy I dated was a former drug addict been clean for ten years, had his bachelors and all. Very charming at first, but one evening when I was out til 11.30 he started texting me and calling me wondering why I wasn't home yet, and that was after first date.. He called me a liar, and told me I was disgusting cause of my many partners I have had (I abused sex when I was younger which I am very honest about), he also wanted me to loose weight so I'd be healthy and more active, I am VERY active as a person and in decent shape, but he felt I could look and be better as a person..

I have also dated a couple of others that shows on partial of these traits, then I have started to look at peoples relationships around me, and there are many people that are in a marriage or relationship where the partner is a partial abuser, not full blown, but just basic insecurity in themselves that shows on a few traits..

When do you know it is a full blown abuse? I mean my husband only changed when there was stress involved as when I lost my job and it caused financial stress..

Is there a scale? is there any help for them? should you just stay away from all of them?? well Im pretty sure I should cause I get hung up so easily and wanna help to heal that it's horrible two dates and 3 weeks with that one guy drove me INSANE in a heartbeat.. but how common is this??

and not only that, am I an emotional abuser?? I caught that one guy lying to me, so on the second date I took a quick peep through his cell phone which can be concidered abuse, I just wanted to know that I could trust him after what happened but does that make me an abuser?? I feel like I am doing it to protect myself, not to be abusive which means that if I had found something I would just have left him, not make a scene out of it..

I have also noticed that I become as I socialise, when I was with my husband who was rather aggressive as a person, I became aggressive, with the other one I turned anxious and insecure and now the last one Im seeing he's just a good guy so I am just me, happy and calm which I am when Im single in general a very goofy love to live person which is why Im sticking to this last one as long as no skeletons jump out but it was quite hard to find him, or his mom found me which is kinda funny...

is this common too?? that you get their anxiety/aggression etc or is it something more wrong with me I should know about??

Right now Im in group therapy and trying to figure myself out a little and straighten my brain out which is easier said than done..

please what is your thoughts? your experience?

[mistycshore]

The majority of people on the planet are not addicted to a substance. You are choosing people who are. On the second date, you found it necessary to spy? Do you know that's a strange thing to do? I would find it a bit creepy.

Stop focusing on "them." Keep trying to figure yourself out instead, because "they" are not your problem. They can't make better choices on your behalf. Only you can do that. Folks in the "Friends and Family" forum have much to offer regarding that stuff. You might want to drop in there.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

[cinderellawkids]

a scale...if you think its possible emotional abuse or manipulation on the smallest level is not healthy for you