40 days sober

Well i feel very sad reading my blog posts from earlier on this year. What a complete mess i was and remained being for most of this year.

I started the new job in barcelona and kept drinking. I found myself drinking a certain amount each night, a 5/6 cans of lager and then as much wine as i needed, approx 1.5 bottles, then maybe some food maybe not.

Anyways I was at the bottom, I was starting to think about ending it all as it was not really living which is a fair assessment both then and looking back so i went online and found an alcohol counseller in spain (NEST if you are in this area), obviously i had nothing left to lose so i attended my first session and have been back regularly attending 2 a week, which i wil continue well into the future.

I was the psychiatrist too who prescribed seroxat (paxil in US) which is an anti depressant, antabuse (which makes you sick if you drink alcohol) and a medication for alcholol withdrawl usually prescibed for holspital use. I took the first two but was worried when i googled the last and found out it came with a warning of to only be administered with hospital supervision and was addictive, as it happens i did not have great withdrawls from alcohol, just the usual anxiety, sweating, insomneia and feeling like crap all the time for the first 2 weeks (feeling like crap does continue for about 4-6 weeks give or take but i was all ready to plan my suicide so it didnt bother me that much and was better than drinking).

The counselling is important to me as i am thinkign about stuff i never had to deal with whilst drinking, The anti depressants have worked and i was lucky enough not to have any side effects with the first pills i was presecribed (if you do get side effects on first pills they change your prescritpion and try another).

An important thing for me is that it was explained that i was self medicating with alcohol which made a lot of sense as i had got to an almost exact amoount each night which seemed to be as much as i needed. Don't get me wrong i had all the black outs etc too so i was not a part time alchie!

I am the happiest i have ever been and know it is early days, I have had no cravings for alcohol and a friend of mine came up last weekend who drinks and i went out with him and was happy to drink coffee. Obviously i got rid of all my ****wit drinking buddies, i have 2 friend sleft who both know my situation and support me, he even made jokes about me not drinking as i am quite a big guy so y´know, who would have though he was gay (in a nice way and not meaning to be taking the p*** out of homosexuals...its an english thing!!!).

What else, well i did gamble a lot when drinking, i have manage to knock that on the head too, i went to a place i always used drink and gamble at for a week, lost about 10k euros playing fruit machines, was no fun whatsoever and really feel like that is my last lapse...i was playing them all week without booze, hangovers etc and i just felt nothing, no enjoyment no exiheration, nothing just a waste of time really. I look back on it as a lesson learned (please at this point i just want to point out it doesnt matter the amount, it cvould have been €50 it is just that i was gambling). i don't regret it other than i could have used that money in a much better way, could have helped someone else etc. and do not want to do it again but i don't feel this in a guilty, remourceful way because that is, i think, jjust being selfish and self pityful anyway, but in a complete waste of time way, hope that makes sense?

I just wanted to say, to myself and if anyone comes accross this, that i am the happiest i have ever been and if you are worried by going to a counseller and taking medication, do not be as you have nothing to lose. I have not been to AA, but if i need to in the future i will. I wish you all every success but the fact is that I am one of the lucky ones and i know it, i just hope that some of you can be as fortunate. I cannot believe how different life can be, I could write lots more...

Good luck all!