Haven't been around for a little bit now. As usual, been back out using. I managed to find a "legal" version of my DOC and I've been burning it for a couple months straight now. Been clean again for a couple of days and am gonna give it another shot.

I just don't feel like I have anything to contribute on the boards about this. I've been coming here for so long, and still can't seem to get it. It has been suggestet that, given my track record, perhaps I'd be better...

I just keep trying to shake the feeling, but it lingers with me. While I know I shouldn't dwell in the past, or probably even visit it at all, I am constantly drawn there to replay all my failures and loses. I think a sick part of me actually enjoys it in some way. I keep trying to "love myself" but can only manage not to hate, and not even that all of the time.

I still hold onto this illusion, this dream, of getting back with my ex. We've been apart for close to 7 years...

Clean and sober today, that's about it. Felt like crap most of the day, but made it through. Still, I'm filled with this dread, this hopelessnes, that I just can't shake. It's the regular crap after coming down from a week and a half run I guess. I really thought I was getting better, then first opportunity to jump on something, I jump. Sick.

I feel like giving up, but then what?? Not happy high, not happy "normal", just not happy in general. I don't even know if...

Seemed like things were going well. Hadnt's smoked in over 10 months. Drinking had gone from 3/4 a liter 4, sometimes five times a week, to once or twice a month and usually moderately at those times. Had a much better job. Was rebuilding my relationship with my son and my ex, making regular payments on my debt but there was still that emptyness. Perhaps this is part that the twelve step programs are supposed to help with.

In short, I relapsed. I could go into a long explaination...

I tried to delete my Long Road to Recovery posts as I really felt they served no useful purpose to me. I really don't care about that life anymore as this life is much improved.

Today wasn't the greatest day, but I was clean and sober, so that is a good thing.