http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:52:24 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/425-drama-alert.html Thu, 06 Mar 2008 22:11:28 GMT I love all of you so much. Where to start. Okay, Sat night my husband let me go out with some of my girlfriends, we went to eat first then to a bar, then to a club. all of which he knew beforehand... I love all of you so much. Where to start. Okay, Sat night my husband let me go out with some of my girlfriends, we went to eat first then to a bar, then to a club. all of which he knew beforehand and agreed. NOw in the past, he would have sat here brooding, and getting madder and madder, and come up there and dragged me out. Well he didnt do that this time. Instead he spent hours figuring out my passwords and reaading every email, (some of you will remember I had prety close male frineds on here) he found it all, read it. Found my journal, not only read it, but photocopied it and forwarded it to his sister for safekeeping. You may remember I had a suicidal moment vrey recently. Well, first when I cam home that night, he showed me all the emails, the journal, then he choked the s**t out of me, thew the whole mattress with me on it across the room (my back which was bad to start is now worse) he put a pillow over my face for about 45 seconds and I called 911.

He hung the phone up but they came anyway. He said to the cops "before you all came here she told me how she was going to make up a story and could cry on demand just to scew me) WOW, I could not believe the lies that poured from his mouth. He tried to show them the journal and emails, they didnt look. One cop took me into the kitchen and whispering, said "I believe you, but what your choices are , 1) I take him away in handcuffs he goes to jail, and he loses his job 2) We can take you to your sisters wher you will be safe and have a cooling down period tonight. I could have sent him to jail adn I buckled. Couldnt do it. Stupid Stupid Stupid of me.

Well, the cops took me to my sisters at 4 am or so, woke them up and I had to stay there for the nigth the next day I had a docs appt (they are adventists and open on Sunday) so when I got back, he was at my sisters with al the emials, journal, EVERYthing. Including some racy pics. Showed her everything, and even tried to show my dad, who refused to look. it was horrible, but he wanted to sit with my whole family and try to work out a plan, whether it was to stay together or not, we needed a plan.

We made an appt. with a couples thereapist (finally, been beggin forever) for Monday. My sister sees her and says she is amazing. I think this will be very healty for us. If we decied to divorce, we can try to be positive about it. I also have the number for a wonderul child psych. Jennifer (couple therapist) said she wanted to see us adn talk to us Monday, before we decided to call the therapist for the boys. I am going to MAKE SURE they see one. Lots of anger issues, remember I told you the older one suffers from nightmares which affects his sleep.

I am very tired and worried, OH YEAH, I forgot, he finally said, "yea, ok, I committed adultery with Paige, (my "friend") and I KNEW it all along but Dear God it hurt to hear it. I have never cried so much as I have over the last few days. Anyway he is also making an appt with a physician to find the right medication for him.( I SWEAR he is bipolar) he admitted his biggest problem is jealousy and his biggest fear is of losing me. I told him he was pushing me away, was never here, and we were like invisible to one another when he is here. I will be 34 years of Age Tuesday the 12th, I dont need this, and if something isnt repaired, and MAJOR changes made, then its over. I do feel like the therapist, (just like the one at cornerstone, my 28 day rehab) will say, we DO NOt need to be together, its unhealthy and we are both doing wrong. I admit, pics of me on the internet, male frineds saying inappropriate things is WRONG, and Im sorry. He actually ahd sexual intercourse (several times) wit this woman. Im not saying his is worse, but ithurts. I told him adultery was a sin, he said "so is LUST, which you are guilty of" He is right

I dont know what to do now. Other than the meeting Monday, all I can do is wait and pray (i could really use your prayers right now, too) I need a meeting, TONIGHt and to tell all this. He is trying to do everuthing just right, taking me out to eat, shopping, buying me the things I Like and saying how beautiful I am. Planing something secret for my bday, he was telling my Mom and she wont tell me a word, if it was bad, she woild have told me. She calls here about 4 times a day now, wanting a blow by blow account of everything. She cries alot too. I dont blame her for callige, etc. but we have a very very strained relationship (another long story) and its hard to talk to her every day. I dotn know where I am going to go from here. I am glad I have soem great friends (YOU GUYS) and very blessed to have you. I love you and thank you for listening to my story. Im going to put it in my blog too. All my love Becky

Cc, I love it, LOL I will say bite me for you!! I will also go and tell Mrs. Magoo I have moved. thanks for the heads up. You know, you guys are my FAMILY and I love you. YOu ahve been here ups and downs and are sTIL my friends. Its amazing ]]> tennchick9598 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/425-drama-alert.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/376-arggg.html Wed, 27 Feb 2008 21:04:38 GMT Well, last night I told my husband that we were pretty much over and just faking it through, and he thought that was just fine, he didnt care. It just means that he can further pursue whomever he is... Well, last night I told my husband that we were pretty much over and just faking it through, and he thought that was just fine, he didnt care. It just means that he can further pursue whomever he is screwing at the moment. He called just now and said " I have to work over a couple hours" LOL, like I believe that.

I dont even care anymore. I hope he stays out until I am asleep. I dont want to talk to him see him, nothing. I just hung up on him after he said that, I dont want to fake anymore. I took off my wedding ring, and dont speak to him, vice versa. I need my life back one with friends and a social life. I have not had one in aboutr 6 years.

He is gone 24/7 and I am alone and sad all the time. I dont want to live this way any more. I hope he knows he is going to get the lawyer, and that I WILL agree to joint custody, but not to EVERYthing he demands. I am not going to get into a relationship for at least 6mos to a year. I need to be alone. I may go out a few times though. I do not like to drink anymore, so no chance of getting hammered.

I will have to get an order of protection from him. He is a stalker, he may not want me, but he damn sure doenst want anyone else to have me. I am over that too, he doesnt care anymore and neither do I. I am just numb, but sad at the same time. I want to punch the hell out of him, literally. I want him to move out TODAY. No car in my name, name not on lease, etc etc. Great huh. I have SOOO many medicines and no insurance without him. I will be screwed, jobless, no insurance, no where to go, NO where. I will think it over and if you have any ideas feel free. ]]> tennchick9598 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/376-arggg.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/364-another-day-paradise.html Mon, 25 Feb 2008 20:29:20 GMT *Not much going on today. Argued with the hubby today. Pretty good one becuaes the boys were at school so we letif fly. Both of us saying things we shouldnt have. I cried after he stormed out, and... Not much going on today. Argued with the hubby today. Pretty good one becuaes the boys were at school so we letif fly. Both of us saying things we shouldnt have. I cried after he stormed out, and after I had told him, that we were slowly falling apart, we werent going to make it and that I was scared. "so, leave then" he said, "go, get out" no mention of trying or trying to be here more. He is gone night and day with work and his basketball games. I think he wants out but wants me to do it. Of course I have NO wehre to go. I dont talk to my mother becuase we have a very strained complex relationship. Everything revolves around her and everyone is out to offend her personally, geez.

Anyway, I talked to my sister and she said until I do someting about it, she doesnt wanna hear it, which caused me to burst into tears. I said, you know, I have no friends left, (she said whose fault is that) and that she is the only one I have to talk to. Oh well, make that zero except for you guys and you are all great.

I am going to go to a meeting tonight. I really need one. I am lonely, and very scared. What will I do? I get unemployment, and have two boys growing very very fastt. I am quite sure ni a divorce court he would use my drug abuse. To my credit however I voluntarily sought help, and tried to better myself. I guess that helps some huh?

My biggest problem is the up and down of this whole thing. I am isolatiing again, fear of rejection (everyhitng I say he says the opposite, or something negative) and only talk to the boys anymore. I am glad and lucky to have you all.But I need a real person, a rea friend who wont say, Geez, what a nutjob, lol.

My son has yet ANOTHER day of baseball tryouts. 5 days so far. I am so nervous for him, I can scarecly breathe. Please if I never ask for anything else let him make it. He plays football for GMS and is a letterman, but LOVES lIVES and BREATHES baseball. I dont want him to be a jerk, but if given choice between nerd and jock, I chose Jock for him. He is sooo handsome with his caramel skin and greenish blue eyes. LADY killer he will be. The other one is much more fair skinned with ebony eyes just like mine. The eldest (blue eyes) has my high cheekbones (comes from cherokee indian) and GREAT bone structure. Very handsome. The youngest is a NATURAL award winner. Remember the kids you used to hate that won every award at the banquet without trying,may as well never sit since they are up there so much. Thats JP, plus a standout football player, the oldest is the standout lefty pitcher in baseball. I love baseball much more becuaes I love warm even hot weather, legs get darker at the games and its not freezing cold. He wants to play GMS and rec leauge. They want him to throw sliders, curves etc. And you arent supposed to at that age, you will ruin your arm for the future. They have also pitched him a solid whole game. He gets so tired. Already icing down his left arm at age 12. I am so proud of my boys. They are what keeps me going .

My depressive state is coming and going. I am trying to do the right thing by taking my meds they way Im supposed to. I thinik I take too many meds. what are all of you on, if you dont mind my asking , if so tell me to p**s off, lol, I dont mind

I am just really scard right now. Listening to Broken by Amy Lee and Seether (my type of music) wondering what the hell I am going to do, where I am going to go. I will get some lawyer from legal aid who is wet behind the ears, and he will have a nice expensive attorney. They will make me look like drugie scum. I have lots of witnesses to testify to teh fact that he stalked me, assaulted me (threw a beer in my face in front of about 40 people) went ot jail on that one for disorderly conduct. Took 6 cars to take him. AFter taht, I cried adn felt guilty I didnt go get him. He has always known I am alwasy going to be right here for him no matter WHAT he does, always have been, so he can do whatever. When he wants to go out, he wants me to wear this or that, fix my hair a certain way, introduces to me to tons of male friends and beyond that, no use for me. Its like Im a trophy. HOnestly. Half the police force are his good buddies that he referees basketball with, or plays ball with, the rest of his buddies are jusdges, other DCS (dept child. services) workers. I know hw this will work. Hes a good ol boy ni a good ol boy system.

Maybe it will work just this once. Justice that is. I will write more on this later..... ]]> tennchick9598 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/364-another-day-paradise.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/341-figures.html Thu, 21 Feb 2008 19:25:11 GMT Well, this nice dinner that my husband took me too, was nothing but a firing squad. He blasted me left and right with all kinds of questions. You ever hear the saying its the guilty who are so... Well, this nice dinner that my husband took me too, was nothing but a firing squad. He blasted me left and right with all kinds of questions. You ever hear the saying its the guilty who are so suspicous.....booyaah. Oh well, got a free meal out of it. We then went to the dollar store, picked up things like candles, (im a candle freak) cleaning supplies (been cleaning like MAD all day, thats how i react to stress) and doing laundry(i find this somehow calming excpet for putting it away in the boys rooms which smell vaugely of floral air spray and jock straps, lol)

anyway, I am about to go tan, it feels good on my back and is sooo relaxnig. Just one more thing for him to accuse me of. Getting a tan for some other man (NOT true) I am not ever doing anything else just for a man again. We divorced way back, two weeks later, he was engaged again, I kid you not. He then called me a month later sobbing saying he couldnt marry her when he was still in love with me. I had JUST started to move in the right direction, dating an engineer, and very bright, kind man. Of course I am weak, and thought it better for the boys if we were together. Boy was I wrong. he broke up with her, and not long after we were remarried. things were great for about a year. then the cheating rumors started again. I have NEVER cheated on this man. Only very very recently made some steps towards that. I decided two wrongs dont make a right. If I am going to do something, I need to do it, or shut up about it. Much like voting. ;-) I do vote by the way. Okay, more later on all this...

to be continued......... ]]> tennchick9598 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/341-figures.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/333-just-another-day.html Wed, 20 Feb 2008 20:00:33 GMT Hi guys, I havent been keeping up with this the way I should have lately. Been feeling a little depressed and guilty. I feel much better now. I think the main reason I was feeling so depressed was... Hi guys, I havent been keeping up with this the way I should have lately. Been feeling a little depressed and guilty. I feel much better now. I think the main reason I was feeling so depressed was guilt. Mostly over my children. I know as addicts most all of us have had some form of guilt and shame. I took tramadol, A LOT of tramadol. Between 20-30 a day for a long long time, using my regular doc, and ordering off the internet to supplement. Its very easy to get and not scheduled (should be) Anyway, the grand mal seizure I had was at my sons baseball game. He is 12 and a lefthanded pitcher. The younges is 9 and a crackerjack batter. Anyway, I was completely gone, like I wasnt there, although my family assures me I was most def. there. I split my mouth wide open and there was blood everywhere, I was convulsing and people crowding around. This is waht I was told. I vageuly remember waking up in an ambulance telling the amb. driver screaming questions in my face that it was 2003 and Bill C. was pres. (it was 2007 and George W. nice answer huh)

The point of that long little ditty is that I feel so guilty that my boys had to see that, and live with knowing I had gone to rehab in the middle of summer for 28-30 days. Normally they would have a nice leisure summer, but not this year. While their Dad went off to work, they had to go to the Boys and Girls Club, which they hate. More guilt. Rehab was good place, but as most of you know I relapsed. righ back on the same stuff that gave me a seizure!! nice one! I also know that tramadols mightiest hurdle is the mental part....WAYYYY after the physical part comes the mental part. Its horrible.

Where in the heck was I going with this? Heck if I know.....

Okay, update with husband, he has been trying really hard the last few days. (You can read other posts to find out what a cheat he has been) anywaay, I sent a text reply back to my "friend" yesterday adn sent it to the hubby instead. Another nice one. I think I stumbled my way out of it and he believed me, but talk about a heart stopper and a sign!! Two wrongs do not make a right. If I want to change something about this, I need to get a divorce. Very hard for me to do, as we have been together off and on through senior year of high school and college, married, divorced and remarried again. we are both 33 almost 34 now. WOW. Its a lot like the hard habit to break type thing. Sooo many good memories, but too many of trying to argue so the boys dont hear (they sense it tho, no doubt) and no trust anymore (key ingredient) Fear of being alone (an issue, yes I know) I am being treated for bi polar he is not, though he is the most up and down person I have ever seen. I am rambling again.

We are supposed to all go to dinner tonight, but I really dont want to. I may go just for the sake of the boys, and for trying. I think he senses something is different and is trying to draw the wagons into a circle. Maybe not, people can change, but how often do they really.

More tonight or tomorrow to tell ya how it went. Love ya

Oh yea, Blyke, thanks for giving me a nudge. It is much appreciated. This is good for the soul... ]]> tennchick9598 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/333-just-another-day.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/275-sigh.html Fri, 08 Feb 2008 00:28:12 GMT well, after all that rejection from the "friend" I went to lunch with, (and I know that was wrong, I think I justified it becuase my husband cheats and i have women calling here at 2am and anonymous women too) anyway, he is texting me today saying how much he likes me etc. WTF....I dont understand this guy, but I am definately staying away. I have been working on my apperance here lately, I only just realized it. Highlights in my hair, tooth whitening, nails done, tanning. I think I feel like maybe if I just LOOKED better, my husbnad will find only me attractive again, but no. Its not about me its him. He has done this and gotten away with it, and I have always forgiven him and not divorced him, so why should he ever stop??? Its MY fault he gets away with it.

I dont know if any of you have ever had that happen to you, but when a woman calls for him, or I hear a new story, or I get an anonymous call about who he is out with and where he left his car (and they were spot on) but it feels like a punch in the stomach every time. I am afraid of leaving him. My name is not on the lease, neither of the cars has my name on them, I have NOwhere to go, NO JOB, I am getting unemployment, I would have NO INSURANCE and I take TONS of medicine, some that would cost 800.00 a month to take, and thats just one. I am scared the boys woudl hate me if I left him, we have asked them before what they would think if we split up, and they DID NOT want us too

Whats weird is he is an investigator for the Dept. of Childrens Services, he removes kids and sees if the homes are fit, and he referees ball games, so most every day he works till 5 and then goes straight to a ballgame till around 1 or 2am. These are the stories I hear, that he takes a certain woman to these games, once when we were out, this same woman walked up to our table and picked up and then SLAMMED it down, I said who in the hell was that, he said, "I have no clue" I found out later it was her. He sticks with that one girl, and she is UGLY. Thats what makes it hurt so bad. I have done the stupid thing and called her and threatened to beat her a** in front of everyone, and she was a big chicken and said she would press charges if I touched her. She said, she was upset seeing us out becase he owed her money adn she was pissed to see him out spending it" HAAHA like I believed that one.

I have seen her several places and she RUNS. As soon as she sees me, she takes off. I ask my husband what the hell she was doing at our sons ballgame "i dont know" of course you dont. Anyway, I feel so hurt and sad most of the time. In rehab, once I told everything they said it was super unhealthy realationship and he was NO good for me, and would never stop cheating. I tried to tell him we were too differnt now in our marriage and we should move on and he SCREAMED at me and threatened to inject himself with bleach. he has always done that when I try to leave, threatend to kill himself, or me or both I always feel sad, and hate to throw away 12 years of my life, so I stick it out.

So anyway, here lately, I have thought about seeing someone else. I know two wrongs dont make a right, but I dont know what else to do or where to turn. I dont want to live my life this way, I know that much. I plan on divorcing him, but I will have to get an order of protection the minute papers are served or he may try to kill me. I pray he doestn try to hurt himself, that would kill me as I woudl see it as all my fault.

Oh crap, I have rambled on long enough on this one, hopefully I can write more soon, My life is like a LOONNG Jerrry Springer episode, no joke. I want to be complimented and courted, and loved. My friend the other day, POURED out compliments and was so chivalrous and kind, and it felt GREAT, I was glowing. My husband once told me "No one else will ever want you, you have two mixed kids, too much baggage" Nice guy huh? ]]> tennchick9598 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/275-sigh.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/265-confused.html Tue, 05 Feb 2008 19:38:40 GMT I dont really know if I have posted this in my thread or not, but I have had a date. Yes, I am married, but he is really an ass and has been so to me for some time. he wants me to dress up when HE... I dont really know if I have posted this in my thread or not, but I have had a date. Yes, I am married, but he is really an ass and has been so to me for some time. he wants me to dress up when HE wants me to and will even tell me what to wear and how to do my hair. My sisiter says I am a "trophy" to him. I dont know, other than that, we stay in seperate rooms and never talk. Divorce is inevevitable.

So anyway, I went on this "date" of course I would NEVER commit adulterly. My husband has cheated numerous times, adn I have had women actually call my house at 2:30 am wanting to talk to him, of course I went off.

so this date was FUN, we went out to eat and went all around the mall looking. He was supposed to take me back to day, and wanted to buy me some jeans, but he got held up with an interview, but I have never heard of one lasting 3 hours, have you?? So, we may get to go tomorrow. I really hope so.

He said all the right things, so complimentary and opened all the doors,etc. I am NOT used to be complimented. He kept saying I was beautiful and what a gorgeous smile I had, WOW, I never hear that at home. What I heard was "no one will ever want you, you have two mixed kids, too much baggage. What a total ass. Now, there is plenty good about him, but I am pissed so Im not writing it, maybe another post.

I just had so much fun, I dont know how to express it. I hate I got stood up today, I was all dressed and ready to go. I feel sad about that. I wonder if I scared him away, or he didnt like me, although he said over and over, " I really really like you alot, scared I could fall for you...maybe he didnt have money for the jeans (7 brand jeans cost about 94.00 yikes) all he had to do was tell me, hell, Im not hanging out with him for the money.

Okay, so should I be blasted with bad things, or does anyone understand my predicement. Whats worse is the last two days, my husband has been sooo sweet and thoughtful, makes me wonder if he senses me slipping away from him to divorce. I dont kwo

Thursday, when I get my unemployment check I am getting my nose pierced, ya know, one of those tiny ones you can barely see?? Im really excited, its only 40.00 flat, no tax, tahts realy cool. I think I am going through a midlife criss at 33, lol......hair cut and highlighted, nose ring, possible tatoo( 4 leaf clover on my ankle) I dont know. I just wanted to vent. Still no word from Pat (the "date") it was more likd friends hanging out, nothing bad happened at all, no kiss no nothing. I made it very clear that I am not the type to break marriage vows, maybe thats what scared him off. I just feel stood up and sad. ]]> tennchick9598 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/265-confused.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/255-hey.html Mon, 04 Feb 2008 14:15:53 GMT good morning guys.... Just thought I would write a little note. I am soo nervous, I have a date with a male "friend" not cheating, just going out with a friend.

I am so nervous, afraid, my psycho husband will find out and literally, i think he would kill me. He told me before that he would, I dont kow whether to take him seriously or not. I think it will be lots of fun though, he is taking me to lunch and to shop!!! Hooray. He has money, which is always nice, lol.

Aside from that, my migrane went away, someone suggested Excedrin migrane and manjust for you info, it WORKS. Its good stuff. I had one of those where you cant stand the light and puke. ugg...

Hope everyone has a fantstic day, I will blog later on my date. Its just a friend remember, I have NEVER comitted adultery, whereas my husband has many many times...sigh..that hurts, but I never get to go anywhere. Okay love you guys......:ghug3 ]]> tennchick9598 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/255-hey.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/232-afternoon-time.html Wed, 30 Jan 2008 20:38:24 GMT Well, I wrote this morning about how things were with my husband. I have talked to him here at work no less than 5 times today (keep in mind I wrote him a long letter last night) and every time he... Well, I wrote this morning about how things were with my husband. I have talked to him here at work no less than 5 times today (keep in mind I wrote him a long letter last night) and every time he has talked so gently (he is usually yelling anymore every time we talk) and said I love you 3 or 4 times, and offered to do all kinds of things.

hmmm ....lets see how long this lasts.

to be continued......... ]]> tennchick9598 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/232-afternoon-time.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/231-my-daily-journey.html Wed, 30 Jan 2008 15:36:46 GMT Well, since this is just my little ol' blog, I guess I can ramble about something other than my pain killer addiction for once. I think I have another addiction, and that is the one to my husband. I was told in rehab that I was very co-dependent, always kind of knew that, but here lately its getting crazy.

I am miserable. I mean I really really am. And yet, I cannot stand to not be wanted by him, OR the thought of after our divorce (its eventually going to happen) of him being with someone else. It literally squeezes my heart everytime I think of it, so I shove it away and bury my face in the pillow.

In the past, he has ALWAYS gotten into trouble for his stalker behavior. He has gone to jail, he has been warned, he has looked like a total ass to everyone around him. NOW, 8 years later, he has a really good job with the Dept. of Childerens Services as an investigator. He can actually remove children...uggg, depressing. Anyway, I dont think he will do all of that again, as he would probably lose his job. I think he has found some really beautiful, intelligent women at this job. I think he is probably ready to be apart, too, but hanging on out of some feeling of duty after my seizure and several detoxes/rehabs.

I think once he sees I want to/dont want to/want to /dont want to.....be with him, or without him. He will be ready to move on. He falls in love fast and hard, and once he has someone new to focus on, he will be done with me, thats what my sister prays for, is for him to find someone else to transfer his feelings onto. We have been together alot more than 8 years, that is just how long we have been REmarried. Together for about 12 years. off an on

I dont know where I am going with all this, I dont want to be without him and I dont want to be with him. We dont even talk anymore, we stay in seperate rooms, we argue when we do talk. Its awful. BUT he does cook and clean, and LOTS and LOTS of thing with the boys. I dont think I would ever find another who does what he does. He is soooo tall and handsome and charming and women LOVE him. And after all these years, I cant tand to be with/without him.

What the hell am I going to do. Sometimes it interferes with my sober way of thinking. I want to get high, and go in there and just hang out, and watch a movie with him, and lay my head in his lap. He can be sooooo sweet and charming, and giving. And he can be such a cheater and an *******. I am scared, more so every day, because its coming like a bad wind. We havent said it out loud and finalizied it, but its coming

I wrote him a very long note yesterday, I think he read it after I went to bed last night, and told him how far we were slipping apart. I dont know if he knows or cares anymore. I just needed to vent and if anyone wants to comment or give suggestions on it, please do so. I am broken hearted and sick over this. I am afraid if he does go, I will be back at my parents (I know I will) and close to the edge of sobriety.......... ]]> tennchick9598 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tennchick9598/231-my-daily-journey.html