Just Another Day
Posted 02-20-2008 at 01:00 PM by tennchick9598
Hi guys, I havent been keeping up with this the way I should have lately. Been feeling a little depressed and guilty. I feel much better now. I think the main reason I was feeling so depressed was guilt. Mostly over my children. I know as addicts most all of us have had some form of guilt and shame. I took tramadol, A LOT of tramadol. Between 20-30 a day for a long long time, using my regular doc, and ordering off the internet to supplement. Its very easy to get and not scheduled (should be) Anyway, the grand mal seizure I had was at my sons baseball game. He is 12 and a lefthanded pitcher. The younges is 9 and a crackerjack batter. Anyway, I was completely gone, like I wasnt there, although my family assures me I was most def. there. I split my mouth wide open and there was blood everywhere, I was convulsing and people crowding around. This is waht I was told. I vageuly remember waking up in an ambulance telling the amb. driver screaming questions in my face that it was 2003 and Bill C. was pres. (it was 2007 and George W. nice answer huh)
The point of that long little ditty is that I feel so guilty that my boys had to see that, and live with knowing I had gone to rehab in the middle of summer for 28-30 days. Normally they would have a nice leisure summer, but not this year. While their Dad went off to work, they had to go to the Boys and Girls Club, which they hate. More guilt. Rehab was good place, but as most of you know I relapsed. righ back on the same stuff that gave me a seizure!! nice one! I also know that tramadols mightiest hurdle is the mental part....WAYYYY after the physical part comes the mental part. Its horrible.
Where in the heck was I going with this? Heck if I know.....
Okay, update with husband, he has been trying really hard the last few days. (You can read other posts to find out what a cheat he has been) anywaay, I sent a text reply back to my "friend" yesterday adn sent it to the hubby instead. Another nice one. I think I stumbled my way out of it and he believed me, but talk about a heart stopper and a sign!! Two wrongs do not make a right. If I want to change something about this, I need to get a divorce. Very hard for me to do, as we have been together off and on through senior year of high school and college, married, divorced and remarried again. we are both 33 almost 34 now. WOW. Its a lot like the hard habit to break type thing. Sooo many good memories, but too many of trying to argue so the boys dont hear (they sense it tho, no doubt) and no trust anymore (key ingredient) Fear of being alone (an issue, yes I know) I am being treated for bi polar he is not, though he is the most up and down person I have ever seen. I am rambling again.
We are supposed to all go to dinner tonight, but I really dont want to. I may go just for the sake of the boys, and for trying. I think he senses something is different and is trying to draw the wagons into a circle. Maybe not, people can change, but how often do they really.
More tonight or tomorrow to tell ya how it went. Love ya
Oh yea, Blyke, thanks for giving me a nudge. It is much appreciated. This is good for the soul...
The point of that long little ditty is that I feel so guilty that my boys had to see that, and live with knowing I had gone to rehab in the middle of summer for 28-30 days. Normally they would have a nice leisure summer, but not this year. While their Dad went off to work, they had to go to the Boys and Girls Club, which they hate. More guilt. Rehab was good place, but as most of you know I relapsed. righ back on the same stuff that gave me a seizure!! nice one! I also know that tramadols mightiest hurdle is the mental part....WAYYYY after the physical part comes the mental part. Its horrible.
Where in the heck was I going with this? Heck if I know.....
Okay, update with husband, he has been trying really hard the last few days. (You can read other posts to find out what a cheat he has been) anywaay, I sent a text reply back to my "friend" yesterday adn sent it to the hubby instead. Another nice one. I think I stumbled my way out of it and he believed me, but talk about a heart stopper and a sign!! Two wrongs do not make a right. If I want to change something about this, I need to get a divorce. Very hard for me to do, as we have been together off and on through senior year of high school and college, married, divorced and remarried again. we are both 33 almost 34 now. WOW. Its a lot like the hard habit to break type thing. Sooo many good memories, but too many of trying to argue so the boys dont hear (they sense it tho, no doubt) and no trust anymore (key ingredient) Fear of being alone (an issue, yes I know) I am being treated for bi polar he is not, though he is the most up and down person I have ever seen. I am rambling again.
We are supposed to all go to dinner tonight, but I really dont want to. I may go just for the sake of the boys, and for trying. I think he senses something is different and is trying to draw the wagons into a circle. Maybe not, people can change, but how often do they really.
More tonight or tomorrow to tell ya how it went. Love ya
Oh yea, Blyke, thanks for giving me a nudge. It is much appreciated. This is good for the soul...
Total Comments 1
Comments
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Glad to see you writing!
I think what's important is what you're doing NOW for your sons-- the past cannot be undone, but you have an opportunity now to be for them the sweet, sober and healthy mother that you can be.
Look forward to hearing more, and am really glad to see a sign from you!Posted 02-20-2008 at 01:52 PM by Blake'sTyger
