http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 05:10:05 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/436-yesterday-today-tomorrow.html Sat, 08 Mar 2008 14:55:37 GMT Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

There are two days in every week that we should not worry about.
Two days that should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One is YESTERDAY, with its mistakes and cares, its faults, and blunders, its aches and pains.
Yesterday has passed, forever beyond our control.

All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday.
We cannot undo a single act we performed.
Nor can we erase a single word we've said.
Yesterday is gone!!

The other day we shouldn't worry about is TOMORROW.
With its impossible adversaries, its burden, its hopeful promise and poor performance.

Tomorrow is beyond our control.
Tomorrow's sun will rise either in splendor or behind a
bank of clouds - but it will rise.
And until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow,
for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day - TODAY.
Any person can fight the battles of just one day.
It is only when we add the burdens of yesterday and tomorrow that we break down.
It is not the experience of today that drives people mad -
it is the remorse for something that happened yesterday,
and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.

Let us therefore, LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME.
]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/436-yesterday-today-tomorrow.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/420-crash-burn.html Wed, 05 Mar 2008 18:28:42 GMT I always have vivid dreams. Each morning I remember 3 to 5 dreams I've had the night before. It would take me an hour or two to tell the details of these dreams as I remember so many.
Last night was no different, except that it was a completely horrific dream. I cried and cried when I awoke and am still shaken by it.
I'm going to start in the middle of the dream, the beginning wasn't much.....
I'm on a plane with three other people and the pilot. Two rows of two seats. I'm in the back on the right, my sister sits beside me to my left. I don't know the other two people or the pilot. It's a small plane and there are no windows except in the cockpit. I can see through the window if I strain. The plane takes off and all is well...for the first few minutes, then the ride seems bumpy and I feel concerned, I strain to look out the cockpit window and all I can see is black and white snowy static....the kind you get on your tv when your cable goes on the brink. Then I feel the plane falling, and the static clears and I see that we are about to crash. I see the ground approaching fast and notice the pilot is trying to straighten the plane out and get us landed. I can see a highway ahead, and know the pilot means to land on it. We approach and I see the highway splits into two lanes. The pilot has to choose which lane he is going to land on. The lane on the left is a bridge with civilian cars. The second lane on the right is full of buses and transport trucks. The pilot chooses the lane to the left with the civilians...the lane on the bridge. All four of us are screaming and scared to death. I am freaking out, wondering...what will happen? When we crash will the bottom of the plane rip open? Will the walls cave in and crush my head? Will it hurt? Will the plane catch on fire with me in it? Will I burn to death? What about my baby girl? Will I ever see her again? What about my baby? We skid down and crash land onto the bridge.....an explosion all around me....we crash into all the civilian cars..... and we skid off the bridge and begin to fall......we're falling, falling, falling. We get caught in some dense trees. We're suspended for a second, which seems like forever.....as we're suspended I know we're going to fall, I know I'm going to die. I am so full of fright, I am so overwhelmed with fear I can't breath....I then feel the plane begin to fall....I can feel that falling feeling in the pit of my stomach, I begin to scream out loud....Mommy loves you little girl....Mommy loves you little girl....Mommy loves you little girl.....and I wait for the crash, and I wait for the crash.....but it doesn't come. It doesn't happen. All I can feel is that falling feeling in the pit of my stomach. And I wake up.....the plane crashed, and I didn't know it. So I step out of the wreakage, and walk a bit....I see two people who are dead on the front lawn of an old burned down house. I walk passed them and figure our plane must have hit them before it crashed and that is what killed them. I walk into this house that is burned down. There are two old people sitting on the burnt furniture so I sit beside them. I ask them what happened, they tell me they were very old and knew they were going to die soon so they burned down their house around them so that they could die with their memories. I walk outside and see the two dead people on the front lawn get up and walk into a forest with the old people from the burned down house. All the while I can feel that falling feeling in my stomach and all I can hear in my head is.....Mommy loves you little girl! And I wonder where I am and where is my daughter. Why don't I remember the crash? So I walk a bit further and there is a funeral.....and I realize it is the funeral for the people in the plane. Someone tells me my sister died in the crash. So I walk up to this long table which has personal items on it, and there are people behind the table handing these personal items to the relatives of the loved ones who died. I walk up and am handed a letter from my sister. It is hand written, her hand writing from when we were kids...it's addressed to me. I cry and cry and cry. I can still feel this falling feeling and wonder why I can't remember the crash, and I ask where my baby is and the people behind the table look at me sadly and ask me to move along. I get to the end of the table, this is where they are handing out little mirrors, about 2 inches by 2 inches, with the name of the dead person on it and a little poem about them. Someone hands me the mirror meant for me, I look at and expect to see my sister's name on it, but instead it it has my name on it. I'm the one who died. I am frozen. Everything replays in my mind. I realize I don't remember the crash because it happened so fast that I didn't feel it, I didn't know it happened. The last thing I remember is the anticipation of the crash, bracing for it, then the falling feeling and my cries for my little baby girl. I fall to my knees and realize that I should have known I was dead because the old people in the house were dead and I could see them, the people on the front lawn were dead and I could see them. So I cry out in anguish for my daughter, where is she! I want her back, I want to see her. Someone tell her I love her!
Then I wake up. For real this time. Thank God. It was terrible. I cried so hard. It felt so real. It was awful.
In a nutshell, I think the dream is about me being afraid of relapsing. I have this terrible feeling inside of me that I am going to crash and burn so to speak. I could go on about what I think it meant, but I'm a bit sad again, thinking about this dream. I wanted to get this one down because it was so real and affected me so. I am not ready to let it go yet. ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/420-crash-burn.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/397-my-past-two-lives.html Sat, 01 Mar 2008 15:25:57 GMT So far I've lived two lives. I am embarking on my third.
I have no idea who I really am. My last two lives were lived by the old Tay-Lyn.
My first life: I left home at 15 because of an alcoholic mother. She brought up a nervous, needy, desperate for attention kid with no self-esteem. A kid full of anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment and sadness. When that girl left home she knew nothing about the world and was alone. Her desperation for attention and neediness led her down all kinds of wrong paths. Paths full of drugs, alcohol and promiscuity. This kid was used, abused and tossed away, usually by older men.
That kid grew into her second skin, her second life. That life was far different from the first. This kid grew into a strong (so she thought), tough lady. This lady was pig-headed, loud with her opinion, quick to judge and selfish. She was also extremely insecure, sad, nervous and disconnected from reality. She was very dead inside. All these things led her further down the wrong path. Further into drugs and alcohol. She used her looks, her smarts and her wit to get as far ahead as she could. And she was successful. She got what she wanted when she wanted. No matter how hard she hit bottom, someone was always eager to pick her back up, get her back on her feet.....but that came with a price, and she always paid. Yes, this lady seemed successful from the outside, she had all the 'things' she thought would make her 'appear' to be worthy. Her life seemed 'proper' from the outside. But inside she was still the same kid that left home at 15.
But.....that was then....this is now.
Those two lives are over. A new one is beginning.
I have been doing a lot of digging into 'ME'. I have been given some great advice by those who know what they are talking about when it comes to sobriety. I have been told not to focus on the 'whys' of my drinking, rather focus on staying sober. That isn't possible for my personality type. I am extremely detail oriented. It is part of me. I don't learn without drilling down and figuring out the 'why' before the 'why'. I put myself through high-school and college and did very well, for me that was due to my learning style. Which is to drill down. Learning every little detail that relates to what I'm learning. This has continued in my life. I always need to know all the details. So for me to just focus on staying sober doesn't work unless I believe that sobriety is real and can work. In order to know it is real and can work, I need to see how it works. I can't know how it works, until I know what it is supposed to fix. I can't know what it is supposed to fix, until I know what is wrong. Which brings me back to square one. Finding out what is wrong.
I have figured out what is wrong. I understand that I am a product of my first life, being told I was nothing. And also a product of my second life, being treated like I was nothing. Those two things together has created a running dialogue in my head of how awful and unworthy I am. This is the problem. This is what needs to be fixed. The way I see myself. SHE isn't the REAL ME. SHE is a bunch of ideas strung together which were accepted as her own self. It is time to learn how to quiet those thoughts and beliefs. Let ME find ME. This isn't going to be easy. Nor will it be quick. But I believe I am on the right track. In looking at my drinking patterns, trying to figure out the 'whys' of my drinking. I definately see a pattern. I see how picking up is triggered by these thoughts and feelings I BELIEVED were me. If I can change those thought patterns, perhaps I can change my trigger patterns.
This is the beginning of a new life. I feel 100% ready for it. I feel it in every fiber of my body. I bid farwell to my past lives. It is time to let go and move on. Time to find freedom.
To be continued..... ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/397-my-past-two-lives.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/388-determined-change.html Fri, 29 Feb 2008 15:52:48 GMT This is a thread I posted today, I decided to save it for future reference as I want to track my journey. I want to get better in many ways. For the first time in my life....I see that I have... This is a thread I posted today, I decided to save it for future reference as I want to track my journey.

I want to get better in many ways.
For the first time in my life....I see that I have deep rooted problems. I always knew I had problems, but I really covered them up and ignored them.
Problems that may or may not have contributed to my drinking. Problems that I still have in my sobriety.
In previous attempts at sobriety, I didn't do any recovery work. This time around, I am really digging for answers. Because the sobriety isn't enough. Before in my sobriety, I just covered up those problems with distractions. Shopping, art, music, reading....etc..
This time around, I'm a new mother. So I am giving lots of love and attention to my baby girl. So my heart is out in the open, very exposed. And I'm seeing so many things inside of me that I always knew were there, but I used to just soothe them.....now I want them GONE.
I have always felt....
Left out, ignored, not important, not wanted, not accepted, awkward, disliked, a joke, an embarrassement to others.
When I drank, it was easy to justify these feelings. I felt such shame from my drinking, that I chalked all those feelings up to a result of my drinking. Because I told myself that those feelings were because of my drinking, I could just ignore them. Soothe them with another drink.
But now that I am sober, I wake up in the morning feeling these feelings and I have nothing to pin them on. Nothing to justify them with. So it just leaves me feeling awful about ME, not my drinking.
This is what I am determined to change. It will require work. But I'm ready to face them and work towards changing them.
I was lying in bed last night thinking about what I want out of this change I seek. I went through a list of things, happiness? contentment? fulfillment? pride? acceptance?.....the only word that made my heart swell was FREEDOM. I want freedom from my old self. I want freedom from the clutches of negativity, doom & gloom, sadness.
How am I going to do all this?
I haven't a clue! LOL
But the first step in making a change, is recognizing the problem. And that I've done.
Tay. ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/388-determined-change.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/383-getting-old-me-drunk-me-outta-my-head.html Thu, 28 Feb 2008 16:09:39 GMT I can't help but see myself as the drunk I used to be.
I feel as though every friend, family member or person I've ever been drunk around, sees me now...the way I used to be.
I see myself that way.
I feel awkward, embarassed, antsy, uncomfortable in my own skin when around others, or by myself.
I can't stop thinking about all the times I was stupid, loud, mean, self-centered, out-of-control.....a downright ass.
When I'm alone.....I feel my skin crawling. I wish I could get these thoughts out of my head!
They hang over me and all around me like a big dark, gloomy cloud. They hide in plain sight, and they sneak up on me. They whisper in my ear while I sleep, filling my dreams with the old me. They keep me down. I feel like I'm suffocating and just want to scream. The shame feels like a hole in my heart.
I feel like I'm walking around with the big sign around my neck saying 'BIG DUMB-ASS DRUNK'.
I guess time will make these feelings/thoughts diminsh. But right now, they hurt.....a lot. ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/383-getting-old-me-drunk-me-outta-my-head.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/356-what-do-you-call-woman-who.html Sun, 24 Feb 2008 22:03:41 GMT What do you call a woman who put you down, called you names, made fun of you, disciplined you for nothing, said and did everything she could to break your spirit? Oh ya, and drank her face off? I... What do you call a woman who put you down, called you names, made fun of you, disciplined you for nothing, said and did everything she could to break your spirit? Oh ya, and drank her face off? I called her 'Mom'.

For as long as I can remember my mom drank. She never 'talked' to me. She never consoled me. She never supported me. She never paid attention to me. She never cared for me.....at least that is how I felt.

What she DID do is drink. She drank in front of us. She drank in the bathroom, behind the stairs, in the shed. She drank out of canning jars and empty soap bottles. She lied 100% about her drinking.

She'd get drunk and drive with us in the car. When she was close to passing out, she'd pull the car over to the side of the highway and turn off the engine and sleep while us three young kids were in the car, terrified, alone in the dark.

She crashed her car numerous times. She broke almost every bone in her body. She's had hundreds of stitches. She spent 6 months in a coma in a trauma center. She was arrested twice for DUI. She spent time in jail. She spent every penny she got in her divorce from my father, on booze and was almost homeless.

When us three kids were little, our lives were hell. Mom drank all the time. I'm going to talk about what she did and said to only me though.

She treated me as though she hated me. She called me 'b**tard, son-of-a-bitch, rotten kid (that was her favorite)'...along with a whole strew of other names. She would dicipline me for anything and everything. She'd slap me across the face if she didn't like 'the look on it'. She'd tell me my face looked like it was hit by a mack truck. She told me people wouldn't give me the time of day if they got to know me. She asked why I couldn't be like this person or that person. She always sneered at me and what I wore, what I looked like. She said she understood why the kids in school made fun of me or didn't like me.

Because she was such a non-functioning drunk, I was put in charge of the household duties. My father spent some time giving me instructions as to how his lunch was to be made, how and when dinner was to be made. How my brother and sister were to be taken care of. How the house was to be taken care of. Because of this 'attention', my mother always accused me of having an 'inappropriate' relationship with my father...I can't bring myself to be more specific without being sick. When my father was away at work, my mother badgered me. Always at me. Always trying to get in my way of getting things done. Then when my father came home, she'd lie and say it was my fault things didn't get done. She'd tell him how awful I was.

When she ran out of booze, she'd go door to door in our neighborhood asking people if they had a bottle she could have. She'd drink at peoples houses, until they'd call our home and ask me to come and get her (my dad was barely around). They'd drop her off, with her yelling at them as they drove off.

When she was drunk, she would pass out wherever she was. She'd fall down and pass out face down in the foyer, basement floor at the bottom of the stairs, on the toilet, and wouldn't get off (we only had one bathroom), in the bathtub, wouldn't get out.

She called us liars when/if we ever told anyone about her drinking and then severely disciplined us. One time, she tried to push a knife into my hands, telling me if I hated her so much, to use the knife.

She finally succeeded in pushing me out the door when I was 15. I was on my own from then on out. On my own to figure out life and figure out me. Let's just say I didn't do so well for a long time.

The only things she did for me was make me insecure, afraid, ashamed, like a misfit, like an outsider, like nothing. Worse.

I feel hatred for her. I dream about her all the time. Dreams of me and her fighting for control, her always winning and gloating about it.

She is still a drunk. She drinks to this day. She calls and tells me how no-one can believe that she has three kids who don't talk to her. That everyone thinks her kids are so mean cause she is so nice, how could we treat her so bad. She can hardly speak when she calls, she doesn't remember the last call she made to me, or what she said.

I barely speak to her. My sister and I have tried for years and years to help her. Had her in and out of detox and rehab. But she still drinks and blames everyone else.

She broke my spirit and f**ked me up. I spent half of my life trying to cover up my pain. Trying to hide how I felt and who I was. Trying to be anyone but me.

I wish I never knew her. I wish I never called her 'Mom'. ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/356-what-do-you-call-woman-who.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/344-me.html Fri, 22 Feb 2008 18:08:41 GMT Nothing here to read today, just some of my favorite lyrics. Each word here represents my drinking in some way.....to me.

"Traffic's wild tonight",
Diamond smiles her cocktail smile.
Tonight she's in heavy disquise.
She looks at her wrist to clock the passing time.

"Weather's mild tonight",
She wonders do they notice her eyes.
She wonders will her glamour survive.
And can they see she's going down a third time.
Diamond Smiles
Bob Geldof

My therapist said not to see you no more.
She said you’re like a disease without any cure.
She said I’m so obsessed that I’m becoming a bore, oh no.
Ah, you think you’re so pretty.....

Moved out of the house, so you moved next door.
I locked you out, you cut a hole in the wall.
I found you sleeping next to me, I thought I was alone.
You’re driving me crazy, when are you coming home.
Laid
James

And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year.
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish You Were Here
Roger Waters

Once upon a time you dressed so fine.
You threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you?
People'd call, say, "Beware doll, you're bound to fall".
You thought they were all kiddin' you.
You used to laugh about,
Everybody that was hangin' out.
Now you don't talk so loud.
Now you don't seem so proud.

Ain't it hard when you discover that
He really wasn't where it's at.
After he took from you everything he could steal.

Princess on the steeple and all the pretty people.
They're drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made.
Exchanging all kinds of precious gifts and things.
But you'd better lift your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe.
You used to be so amused,
At Napoleon in rags and the language that he used.
Go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse.
When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.
You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.
Like A Rolling Stone
Bob Dylan

Silence in my ears, where once you offered your conviction.
Your promises are dried beats, cracked with nostalgia.

But that's all right, that's okay,
Had no business giving myself to you anyway.
Be careful next time for sure.
And I'll never trust my pink fleshy heart.
To a carnivore
Carnivore
Jewel

"You have had all that money can give you, but that wasn't enough.
You became a thrill-seeker.
Kill for the thrill.
This thrill-seeking became the one great thing in your life, planning one thrill on another until the kill.
The thrill-seeker comes from all walks of life.
He comes from the home, a home where the parents are to busy to treat their children with respect."
So What
Ministry

Lean love.
All you give to me,
Is lean love.
I'm like a beggar in the sand,
With the sky in his hand.
And I'm blue.

Well you're the love of my life.
And then you gorge me with a knife.
And I'm blue.

All the heavy world,
Is frightening.
I'm like a beggar in the sand,
On the beach of the land of you.
And I'm blue.
Lean Woman Blues
T Rex

To be Continued... ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/344-me.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/332-digging-answers.html Wed, 20 Feb 2008 17:07:17 GMT 10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BEING SOBER: 10- Going to bed sober. 09- Waking up sober. 08- Not blacking out for a single moment. Not dependant on others to tell me what I did or said. 07- Not having... 10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BEING SOBER:
10- Going to bed sober.
09- Waking up sober.
08- Not blacking out for a single moment. Not dependant on others to tell me what I did or said.
07- Not having to dish out excuses and aplogies for my behaviour.
06- NO HANGOVERS!
05- Trusting myself again. Knowing my thoughts and emotions are real, not manufactured by the drink.
04- Others trusting me again. Not eyeballing me to see if they can find a hint that I've been drinking.
03- Looking forward to doing things without the drink in the way. Knowing if I start something, I can/will finish it, without leaving a half-assed/half-done job and a big mess behind.
02- I am taking care of my responsibilities. Getting things done.
01- My life is managable again!

So if that's the case.....then why the struggle..right? If I love being sober so much and can rhyme off ten things I love about it so easily, why on earth would I think about another drink? I don't know. I don't understand how I am addicted to alcohol but not drugs. I did a LOT of drugs over the years. You name it, I did it.....almost.......I never stuck a needle in my arm. And I could do drugs for days on end, months on end, years on end, and then just walk away from it. Same with smoking, I smoked for over 20 years, and each time I quit, it wasn't a big problem. So why am I addicted to the alcohol?
That is the big question.......why would I give up all the things I love for that wretched, awful demon!
I was going to post a thread called....."I don't have problems, I just like to drink". And although I laugh at that now, a few days ago I was really serious about it. I have listened at meetings and read on this site about how so many people drink because.....this...that...because of problems. And I thought to myself, 'I don't drink because I have problems, I just LIKE to drink'. So then I thought about how much I loved being sober. Some of the clouds have been clearing in the last day or two and I am starting to see that I may not have to white-knuckle this sobriety like I thought I would. I have seen a bit of that silver lining through the parting of my clouds and am feeling optomistic that I may be able to recover and not have to just grin and bear it. So why the struggle?
Ok...why.....
If I don't drink because I have problems....then why.....
Addicted? Ok...but why? The struggle I am having isn't so much the physical addiction, but the obssesive mental addiction. So why...if I don't have problems, and am not physically craving alcohol...why the addiction...why the overwhelming desire to have a drink right now....knowing how much I love sobriety....why...
There isn't room enough on this page to go through all the reasons I considered behind my drinking, but in the end, I think I found out the 'why'.
There are two situations in which I drink......alone and with others.....ok....LOL......that is pretty obvious. LOL
But seriously.....why do I drink alone...I don't very often (not since the baby has been born, before that I did a lot)....so why alone?
So that I could feel good, happy, upbeat, be distracted, feel good about myself.
Why with others?
Because without a drink in my hand, I feel as though I am standing in a room full of people completely naked.
Now what does that mean exactly? I feel self-conscience. Ok, but about what? That I don't know. But I can say that I feel like I need to cover up. Hide behind the drink.
So......I have figured out my 'problem' or lack thereof....according to me.
Quite simple......without a drink I dont' feel happy, upbeat or good about myself. I need to hide around others and cover up who I am.
Pretty simple. LOL
NO FAIR.......I thought I didn't have any problems! I thought I drank simply because I liked to drink, not because of any problems. Perhaps I've stumbled onto something here.....perhaps I am seeing things opposite to how they really are.
Maybe I HATE to drink, but LIKE to hide myself.
Ok, Ok, maybe I DO have a few things to work on then......looks like successful sobriety is going to be more work than simply NOT picking up. ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/332-digging-answers.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/314-ungrateful-me.html Mon, 18 Feb 2008 01:46:22 GMT So I managed to stay sober Saturday night. The birthday party I went to was at a BREWERY! Can you imagine. If that isn't life challenging me than what is.....
Open bar too!
There's a small brewery in Guelph, my brother and sister in law are friends with the owner, so my sister in law threw the party for her husband there.
Luckily, the attendees of the party were of the 'social drinking' sort....thought they were just a myth! :)
So there wasn't a lot of heavy drinking or drunks. And my other brother and sister in law, who we went to the party with, didn't drink either. The four of us stood together at a table, where only ONE beer was served the whole night.....to my brother in law! My hubby, sister in law and myself drank water. NOW that is amazing. Usually, we all drink A LOT together. And yet we had SO many laughs.
It was great, because I didn't drink, I wasn't an ass! I didn't embarrass me or my family. This morning I woke up feeling great, no hangover. When I faced the family the this a.m. (we stayed overnight at my brother & sister in law's)....I remembered everything, had no apologies to make, no excuses to dish out. Didn't feel stupid, embarrassed, etc., etc..
So you'd think I'd be grateful right! Wrong! I feel devoid of any feeling except pessimism.
You see, I had decided somewhere in the back of my mind yesterday that I would have 'just one' at the party. Each time someone came to the table to offer a drink or offer to go to the bar to get a drink.....I just said, 'I'll just have a water please'. All the while thinking to myself, next time I'll grab a glass of wine. But I didn't. I made it through without a drink. But I am ungrateful because I feel that it was only due to a fluke. A few flukes.
Fluke:
#1 - No one else at my table was drinking.
#2 -
Ok, this is weird......really weird. I can't think of #2....I honestly thought I'd have a whole list of flukey reasons why I didn't drink last night.
These past 24 hours, I have been so pissy about not drinking last night. Such a spoiled rotten, bratty attitude about not having that drink. Thinking....'ya, that was just a fluke, I'll never be able to do that again (obstain)...the only reason I didn't drink was.....'.......and I honestly thought there were a ton of reasons that stopped me from drinking...reasons OTHER than my own desire.
OMG......could that have been ME who didn't drink last night. (tears coming to my eyes, and an overwhelming feeling in my chest)....did I REALLY stay sober because of the work I have been doing? Do I actually owe myself some credit?
I can't describe the feelings I'm having at this moment. Bloggin is SO awesome! I have worked through something here. I have honestly been so pissy about last night's staying sober. I honestly thought it had nothing to do with me. But in writing, getting out my thoughts and feelings, I can only come up with one thing that 'contributed' to me not picking up. And maybe even that wasn't why I stayed sober. Maybe, just MAYBE, if there had been more drinks at my table, I would have stayed sober anyways.
I need to process that. I was feeling so negative about my sobriety and my future battle with the bottle. Thinking I'd never be able to maintain, that last night was only a fluke. But maybe not. Maybe the fluke is that I missed the point. And the point being....I, I'M THE ONE WHO STAYED SOBER LAST NIGHT.
Cool....ok, gonna think about that for a bit, if that's the case, I will feel a heck of a lot better.
I love this blogging thang! ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/314-ungrateful-me.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/309-10th-avenue-freeze-out.html Sat, 16 Feb 2008 01:19:49 GMT I am including a thread I posted a few hours ago. I posted the thread and planned to later blog about those feelings in the thread. But now, as some time has passed, I couldn't genuinely express how I felt earlier as the feelings have passed. So to remember, I decided to paste in my thread. When I re-read this thread I was amazed how it clenched my heart. The words I wrote at the end were as true as can be. It wouldn't be the same to write about those feelings as a third person, which is how I feel about them now. I 'understand' what I was feeling, but don't feel the intensity right now. I am still struggling, but I didnt't pick up. I'm amazed at that. What I did was tell myself 'not right now' for awhile, then when the baby went down and my hubby poured a drink, I chowed down on some chocolate and peanut butter, and went straight to bed. Before 8pm on Friday! So here I am, after I finish my blog, I'll do some suduko and then go to sleep early. Even though I had to white knuckle it, I am sober.
Which leads me to something that bothers me...white knuckling it. I don't ever feel any sense of accomplishment when I stay sober that way. My thoughts are, 'that was so tough, ya I made it this time, but there is going to be a time when I won't be strong enough to endure, so what's the use at all then if I'm going to pick up sooner or later?'.
But, what I feel (rather than think) is that any amount of sobriety is great. Even if I don't feel that it is an accomplishment, I have probably accomplished something in staying sober. My house will be tidy, the laundry done, kitchen clean....etc., everything will most likely be in place, just the way I like it. And the next morning I get to wake up sober to a happy, healthy home. So even if I don't feel good about having white-knuckled it, at least I am in a good spot. I need to remember that too.
There is so much to write about. I have so many thoughts, theories, stories, ideas.....I look forward to getting them all out of my head and into my blog.
I'm so grateful for having found this forum. When I went to AA meetings, you spoke for 5 min and then listened the rest of the time. If you needed to relate more, you had to hook-up with someone and go for coffee or call someone. With the baby, this has been such a great tool. I get to talk anytime of the day, to many people about anything and everything that crosses my mind. I have found this to be so much better than AA..so far. I know I need to work on recovery. Not too sure what else that involves other than what I'm doing. I know I'm an alcoholic, I'm reaching out, other than doing the steps....which I'm not convinced will contribute to my staying sober (but thats another story).
Anyways, this blog has no particular point, I just wanted to save my thread from today, and I needed to talk myself through a few feelings I've had today. So to myself, I say 'Tay, hang in there girl, you're doing great, I know it's tough, but you KNOW you're happier when you're sober...who loves ya kiddo (ok, just kidding about that part)'.
So asleep I go after I kick butt on a few suduko puzzles.

Today's Thread:
10th Avenue Freeze Out:
Wow, what a trigger!
There I was, minding my own business, puttering around the house with my IPOD on. The baby was down for her nap, all was quiet, all my housework was done, and I was feeling great. Then, my favorite Springsteen song comes on '10th Ave.....', I turn it up and 2 seconds later....BOOM!
Like that, after 20 days of sobriety and 100% commitment, I was this close to pouring a drink. As I listened to this song, I romanced about all the FUN times (ya right) I'd had partying to that song. I wanted a drink SO BAD I COULD TASTE IT!
I am astounded at how overwhelming the desire to drink was.
I thought about pouring the drink. I actually thought about it.
But instead, I tore out my earphones, put the IPOD down and sat down and breathed. I picked up a Suduko book sitting beside me and did a puzzle, just to re-focus my mind. And it passed. That was about an hour ago and I'm ok so far. I can feel it though. That burning desire in my chest. It's Friday night, hubby will be home soon, baby will be down for the night in a couple of hours. And I'll be free to have those drinks..........
Free....ya right.
I know the drill, if I have one, I'll be drunk. I'll blackout. I'll be sick tomorrow.
WTF
It's the flippin idea of it. The romance of it...I know that! I know it isn't real. I know it won't be good if I drink. I'm telling that demon to 'F off'......but yet......there it is, in my chest, gnawing away at me.
I honestly feel like screaming. That is how frustrated and confused I feel. I hate this demon that lives inside of me.
I'm NOT going to drink. Bottom line. But it is a real struggle right now.
Thanks for letting me rant! ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/309-10th-avenue-freeze-out.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/303-lesser-two-evils.html Thu, 14 Feb 2008 16:05:26 GMT My drinking was hard....hard on me and hard on everyone around me.....AND being sober is hard....but hard only on me, easy breezy for everyone else around me.


So if I'm going to struggle, why not struggle with the lesser of two evils; doing what is best for myself AND the ones I love.

When I drank I struggled with:
Being a big-mouth,
Having to be the center of attention,
Having to always be right,
Having to control each converstion and social event,
Controlling myself...my balance, my slurred speach, being able to walk straight,
Hurting myself, broken bones, stitches, brusies..all those mysterious bruises,
Contolling my behaviour....leave my shirt on! don't flirt with everyone! stop acting like a know-it-all! don't tell people off! don't fall into a crying fit! don't tell lies just for attention! don't start and arguement! stop dancing! stop talking!
Know when to quit,
White knuckle through the seconds where it isn't appopriate to make another drink so quick,
Next day black-outs, sickness, others not speaking to me, apologies to make, excuses to give,
And so on...

When I drank others struggle with:
God she's embarrasing, she can't walk, talk or remember what she was just saying,
Would she just SHUT UP,
Why is she picking on me,
Here comes the drama queen,
Would she just sit down and stop prancing around,
Here we go again with the life stories,
She just stole my drink...LOL

When I'm sober, I am non of the above. I am friendly, fun, always joking and laughing. I'm polite and interested in others. I'm helpful and caring of others feelings.

So, if I'm going to struggle with or without drinking.....why not struggle without and be without so much pain. ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/303-lesser-two-evils.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/294-ten-things-i-hate-about-you-drink.html Tue, 12 Feb 2008 14:53:34 GMT I was thining about a quote by Albert Einstein:
"The definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results."

This got me angry at myself for all those years of drinking. All those years I did the same thing over and over again, hoping and praying it would be different each time. This got me so mad at my drinking, so mad at alcohol. So here are the things I hate about it:

10 - You changed my personality and I never knew what expect. You promised good times and happiness. But that wasn't always the case. Yes, I felt great with that first drink, but that didn't last for long. One of two things would happen to me, 1- I would get happier and happier and get completely out of control, a drunken party freak, not knowing any boundries or when to stop, or 2- I'd get more and more serious, always wanting everyone to talk about 'meaningful things', things that I wanted to talk about, and in the end, I'd throw a tantrum and end the night for everyone.

09-The desperation for another drink. I couldn't think about anything else but the drink. When I poured one, I poured at least triples, and I'd drink that as fast as I could so that I could pour another and another.

08- You made me sick....oh so sick. Throwing up, migraines, the shakes, couldn't think, feeling as though someone had poured a gallon of gasoline down my throat. I'd eat like crazy for days, just to try and feel better, then when I did, I felt like crap from all the junk food I ate just to feel better.

07- The injuries...to myself and others. Everytime I look at my husband and see that big white scar on his head it makes me sad. Sad that I hurt him so, I can't get all the blood out of my mind. So many years ago, and yet it feels like just yesterday. How could I have done that to him? And me....the broken bones, the stitches, the sprains and bruises....the mysterious brusies I'd wake up with each morning. Falling down, stumbling....in front of everyone! Oh God......how humilitating.

06- The inappropriate behaviour.....the flirtations, the lies, the drama. All the diseases I had...or so I told people, all the harsh stories of my past that I made up.....so many lies, just for attention.

05- The people who disliked me. The looks, the whispering, the avoidance, the rumours. I never had any real friends because I was a crazy, unlikable drunk.

04- The self-doubt, self-loathing. I could never trust myself. I didn't know if things were real or not. I doubted all my thoughts and feelings because I knew they were based on alcoholic ways.

03- The blackouts, all the lost time, desperately wondering what I did or said. Not knowing who would call the next day and tell me off, or who would 'tell on me' for something I had done. The years you stole from me. The lost friends, family, jobs and apartments.

02- Having no control over anything. Not myself, my actions, my drinking, my thoughts and feelings. I was a puppet of the bottle.

01- The way I put myself out there for anyone. The absolute desperation of being me. ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/294-ten-things-i-hate-about-you-drink.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/290-different-slant.html Mon, 11 Feb 2008 17:43:50 GMT I posted this awhile ago and received a lot of negative feedback. People accusing me of blaming others for my drinking. Nowhere in this post do I see blame. My husband and I went to a party last... I posted this awhile ago and received a lot of negative feedback. People accusing me of blaming others for my drinking. Nowhere in this post do I see blame. My husband and I went to a party last weekend where no-one was drinking, and as we left the party, he said 'wow, it sure does make it easier NOT to drink, when nobody else it'. I just looked at him. He proved my point. He is not an alcoholic, but even he thinks it is easier to obstain from something when it isn't around....guess that's why they say 'outta sight, outta mind'. That isn't always the case, I know. Jus sayin.
I made the reply to some of the negative feedback that it is also easier for me not to eat chips and chocolate cake if no-one else is. BUT, if my hubby is sitting beside me eating it, man is it hard to obstain.
I don't understand why some jumped so hard on this post and why they were so quick to accuse me of blaming others. It was simply a new way for me to look at things. I will do anything to stay sober, and if to stay sober, I have to think about things this way, then I will.
Anyways, I liked this post so much that I choose to put it in my blog so that I could re-read it. For me, it helps.


I heard something on T.V. the other day that really got me thinking.
Someone said that she believed that Addiction was a plague of today.
Thinking about that has been interesting. I started to think about how I am 'sick' with my disease. I then thought that if nobody else around me drank, if nobody in the world drank, would I have such a hard time staying sober myself. I don't think so. I know for a fact, that it is much easier for me to stay sober when others around me ARE NOT drinking. It is when everyone else is having drinks that I really struggle.
Then I thought, most people drink too much. I know all my friends and family do. Most of them. I know very few people who have just one, maybe two drinks and then stop. Most people over-drink. They may not 'misbehave' when they drink, but they get good and drunk. Doesn't that make THEM sick?
Why should I think of myself as the one who is sick when I am clean and sober? Maybe I should think about everyone else as sick. They are the ones who over-drink and in their own ways are dependant on alcohol.
When I think about it that way, it makes it easier for me to deal with not drinking while others are. Thinking that they are participating in this Addiction Plague. Thinking that they are sick and that I am not makes it a bit easier to not pick up.
I'm NOT saying that this is THE WAY IT IS.....I'm just sharing with you a different slant on 'being sick' which has helped me handle not drinking around others who are drinking. ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/290-different-slant.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/288-importance-kind-words.html Mon, 11 Feb 2008 15:49:48 GMT You know how when you tell your best friend a secret, but before you do, you say 'don't tell anyone'. Although you know you don't have to say that, you do anyways. Somehow it makes you feel better. Well, what I'm going to say before this entry is similar:
I consider my blog entries to be my personal journal. It really helps me to get out my feelings. These words are for me. So, if you choose to leave a comment about them, remember: 'If you don't have anything nice to say, please don't say anything at all'. My posts are a different story. Those I put out there and are fair game for you to share your opinions on.
Ok, got that off my chest. :)

The reason I stated the above is because I have experienced both kind and harsh words regarding my own, private thoughts and feelings. And it is MY opinion that one shouldn't FORCE their views, opinions, experience onto someone else. It is great to share them with others, but to continuously and aggressively, bombard someone with what you think is right, is....well, wrong. It is also of no use, and no help. It's insensitive and proves self-centered. Insensitive, because you are not considering that the thoughts someone is relaying is a direct result of their feelings. So when you attack their thoughts, you're attacking their feelings. And self-centered because, what makes you the authority on how I feel?
Like everyone else, I am far from perfect. But one thing I do, is try to think about how others feel. I try to think about how I would feel in their shoes. My life is definately troublesome as I suffer from my disease. Now, I may not always 'suffer' from it, but right now I do. However, I also know that I am super-fortunate to have the life I do. When I read some posts or blogs, I see a lot less fortune. I see people in pain and hardship. I imagine it would be more difficult to get and stay clean when you have a ton of other problems. I think this because for myself, I am fortunate enough that I can focus on things in my life other than my disease, things that are positive. Things that make me feel good. I have everything I want and can do what I want. That makes me so extremely fortunate. And I am ever so grateful for that. I would imagine that if things were different, if I had money trouble, relationship trouble, trouble with my kids, or job...etc., etc., it would be harder to stay positive. So when I read posts or hear others talk about how they are feeling, I am careful to remember that they may be coming from somewhere completey different than I am. And the only way I can be helpful to them is to be open-minded.
I wanted to write this down for myself so that I could re-read it if I ever find myself being aloof or closed minded to others.
Perhaps I am too sensitive, but I have been hurt by comments tearing apart my thoughts (which are simply my feelings put to words). Not only do those comments hurt, they can isolate the person and confuse them. Better to be patient, kind and understanding.
I need to remember:
It's not WHAT I say, but HOW I say it.
If I don't have something nice/supportive to say, don't say anything at all. ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/288-importance-kind-words.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/256-incredible-idiot.html Mon, 04 Feb 2008 15:01:15 GMT Because I am having trouble sleeping, at night all I do is think, think, think. Last night I was thinking about how just one drop is enough to flip the switch. And once that switch is flipped, much... Because I am having trouble sleeping, at night all I do is think, think, think.
Last night I was thinking about how just one drop is enough to flip the switch.
And once that switch is flipped, much like anger makes 'that guy' turn from human into the Incredible Hulk, I turn from Tay, into the Incredible Idiot.
Because I have always known that, I have always promised myself that I will slowly drink that first drink and that if I do have the second, that is where it will end. Try and try again as I have, I always ended up drunk. I couldn't understand why I couldn't stop.
The reason I can't stop is because I'm an alcoholic. I have a disease. I am alergic to alcohol. And just one DROP is enough to make me sick.
My sickness is not being able to stop.
Not being able to stop means I get drunk.
Getting drunk means I turn into the Incredible Idiot.
When I'm the Incredible Idiot, I am sloppy, foul-mouthed, selfish, loud, mean, clumsy, way-too-flirty, inappropriate, a drama queen....flat out, I'm an idiot.
And it takes only ONE DROP to flip that switch from Tay to the 'Incredible Idiot'.
Bye-Bye Tay....Hello Stupid. ]]> tay-lyn http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/tay-lyn/256-incredible-idiot.html