My Past Two Lives.

So far I've lived two lives. I am embarking on my third.
I have no idea who I really am. My last two lives were lived by the old Tay-Lyn.
My first life: I left home at 15 because of an alcoholic mother. She brought up a nervous, needy, desperate for attention kid with no self-esteem. A kid full of anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment and sadness. When that girl left home she knew nothing about the world and was alone. Her desperation for attention and neediness led her down all kinds of wrong paths. Paths full of drugs, alcohol and promiscuity. This kid was used, abused and tossed away, usually by older men.
That kid grew into her second skin, her second life. That life was far different from the first. This kid grew into a strong (so she thought), tough lady. This lady was pig-headed, loud with her opinion, quick to judge and selfish. She was also extremely insecure, sad, nervous and disconnected from reality. She was very dead inside. All these things led her further down the wrong path. Further into drugs and alcohol. She used her looks, her smarts and her wit to get as far ahead as she could. And she was successful. She got what she wanted when she wanted. No matter how hard she hit bottom, someone was always eager to pick her back up, get her back on her feet.....but that came with a price, and she always paid. Yes, this lady seemed successful from the outside, she had all the 'things' she thought would make her 'appear' to be worthy. Her life seemed 'proper' from the outside. But inside she was still the same kid that left home at 15.
But.....that was then....this is now.
Those two lives are over. A new one is beginning.
I have been doing a lot of digging into 'ME'. I have been given some great advice by those who know what they are talking about when it comes to sobriety. I have been told not to focus on the 'whys' of my drinking, rather focus on staying sober. That isn't possible for my personality type. I am extremely detail oriented. It is part of me. I don't learn without drilling down and figuring out the 'why' before the 'why'. I put myself through high-school and college and did very well, for me that was due to my learning style. Which is to drill down. Learning every little detail that relates to what I'm learning. This has continued in my life. I always need to know all the details. So for me to just focus on staying sober doesn't work unless I believe that sobriety is real and can work. In order to know it is real and can work, I need to see how it works. I can't know how it works, until I know what it is supposed to fix. I can't know what it is supposed to fix, until I know what is wrong. Which brings me back to square one. Finding out what is wrong.
I have figured out what is wrong. I understand that I am a product of my first life, being told I was nothing. And also a product of my second life, being treated like I was nothing. Those two things together has created a running dialogue in my head of how awful and unworthy I am. This is the problem. This is what needs to be fixed. The way I see myself. SHE isn't the REAL ME. SHE is a bunch of ideas strung together which were accepted as her own self. It is time to learn how to quiet those thoughts and beliefs. Let ME find ME. This isn't going to be easy. Nor will it be quick. But I believe I am on the right track. In looking at my drinking patterns, trying to figure out the 'whys' of my drinking. I definately see a pattern. I see how picking up is triggered by these thoughts and feelings I BELIEVED were me. If I can change those thought patterns, perhaps I can change my trigger patterns.
This is the beginning of a new life. I feel 100% ready for it. I feel it in every fiber of my body. I bid farwell to my past lives. It is time to let go and move on. Time to find freedom.
To be continued.....