DETERMINED to Change...
Posted 02-29-2008 at 08:52 AM by tay-lyn
This is a thread I posted today, I decided to save it for future reference as I want to track my journey.
I want to get better in many ways.
For the first time in my life....I see that I have deep rooted problems. I always knew I had problems, but I really covered them up and ignored them.
Problems that may or may not have contributed to my drinking. Problems that I still have in my sobriety.
In previous attempts at sobriety, I didn't do any recovery work. This time around, I am really digging for answers. Because the sobriety isn't enough. Before in my sobriety, I just covered up those problems with distractions. Shopping, art, music, reading....etc..
This time around, I'm a new mother. So I am giving lots of love and attention to my baby girl. So my heart is out in the open, very exposed. And I'm seeing so many things inside of me that I always knew were there, but I used to just soothe them.....now I want them GONE.
I have always felt....
Left out, ignored, not important, not wanted, not accepted, awkward, disliked, a joke, an embarrassement to others.
When I drank, it was easy to justify these feelings. I felt such shame from my drinking, that I chalked all those feelings up to a result of my drinking. Because I told myself that those feelings were because of my drinking, I could just ignore them. Soothe them with another drink.
But now that I am sober, I wake up in the morning feeling these feelings and I have nothing to pin them on. Nothing to justify them with. So it just leaves me feeling awful about ME, not my drinking.
This is what I am determined to change. It will require work. But I'm ready to face them and work towards changing them.
I was lying in bed last night thinking about what I want out of this change I seek. I went through a list of things, happiness? contentment? fulfillment? pride? acceptance?.....the only word that made my heart swell was FREEDOM. I want freedom from my old self. I want freedom from the clutches of negativity, doom & gloom, sadness.
How am I going to do all this?
I haven't a clue! LOL
But the first step in making a change, is recognizing the problem. And that I've done.
Tay.
I want to get better in many ways.
For the first time in my life....I see that I have deep rooted problems. I always knew I had problems, but I really covered them up and ignored them.
Problems that may or may not have contributed to my drinking. Problems that I still have in my sobriety.
In previous attempts at sobriety, I didn't do any recovery work. This time around, I am really digging for answers. Because the sobriety isn't enough. Before in my sobriety, I just covered up those problems with distractions. Shopping, art, music, reading....etc..
This time around, I'm a new mother. So I am giving lots of love and attention to my baby girl. So my heart is out in the open, very exposed. And I'm seeing so many things inside of me that I always knew were there, but I used to just soothe them.....now I want them GONE.
I have always felt....
Left out, ignored, not important, not wanted, not accepted, awkward, disliked, a joke, an embarrassement to others.
When I drank, it was easy to justify these feelings. I felt such shame from my drinking, that I chalked all those feelings up to a result of my drinking. Because I told myself that those feelings were because of my drinking, I could just ignore them. Soothe them with another drink.
But now that I am sober, I wake up in the morning feeling these feelings and I have nothing to pin them on. Nothing to justify them with. So it just leaves me feeling awful about ME, not my drinking.
This is what I am determined to change. It will require work. But I'm ready to face them and work towards changing them.
I was lying in bed last night thinking about what I want out of this change I seek. I went through a list of things, happiness? contentment? fulfillment? pride? acceptance?.....the only word that made my heart swell was FREEDOM. I want freedom from my old self. I want freedom from the clutches of negativity, doom & gloom, sadness.
How am I going to do all this?
I haven't a clue! LOL
But the first step in making a change, is recognizing the problem. And that I've done.
Tay.
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