Ten Things I Hate About You.......(the drink)

I was thining about a quote by Albert Einstein:
"The definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results."

This got me angry at myself for all those years of drinking. All those years I did the same thing over and over again, hoping and praying it would be different each time. This got me so mad at my drinking, so mad at alcohol. So here are the things I hate about it:

10 - You changed my personality and I never knew what expect. You promised good times and happiness. But that wasn't always the case. Yes, I felt great with that first drink, but that didn't last for long. One of two things would happen to me, 1- I would get happier and happier and get completely out of control, a drunken party freak, not knowing any boundries or when to stop, or 2- I'd get more and more serious, always wanting everyone to talk about 'meaningful things', things that I wanted to talk about, and in the end, I'd throw a tantrum and end the night for everyone.

09-The desperation for another drink. I couldn't think about anything else but the drink. When I poured one, I poured at least triples, and I'd drink that as fast as I could so that I could pour another and another.

08- You made me sick....oh so sick. Throwing up, migraines, the shakes, couldn't think, feeling as though someone had poured a gallon of gasoline down my throat. I'd eat like crazy for days, just to try and feel better, then when I did, I felt like crap from all the junk food I ate just to feel better.

07- The injuries...to myself and others. Everytime I look at my husband and see that big white scar on his head it makes me sad. Sad that I hurt him so, I can't get all the blood out of my mind. So many years ago, and yet it feels like just yesterday. How could I have done that to him? And me....the broken bones, the stitches, the sprains and bruises....the mysterious brusies I'd wake up with each morning. Falling down, stumbling....in front of everyone! Oh God......how humilitating.

06- The inappropriate behaviour.....the flirtations, the lies, the drama. All the diseases I had...or so I told people, all the harsh stories of my past that I made up.....so many lies, just for attention.

05- The people who disliked me. The looks, the whispering, the avoidance, the rumours. I never had any real friends because I was a crazy, unlikable drunk.

04- The self-doubt, self-loathing. I could never trust myself. I didn't know if things were real or not. I doubted all my thoughts and feelings because I knew they were based on alcoholic ways.

03- The blackouts, all the lost time, desperately wondering what I did or said. Not knowing who would call the next day and tell me off, or who would 'tell on me' for something I had done. The years you stole from me. The lost friends, family, jobs and apartments.

02- Having no control over anything. Not myself, my actions, my drinking, my thoughts and feelings. I was a puppet of the bottle.

01- The way I put myself out there for anyone. The absolute desperation of being me.