Can't Believe I Drank!
Posted 01-17-2008 at 07:49 AM by tay-lyn
I can't believe I drank last night! After spending the day remembering all my bottoms....I picked up a drink. I am dumbfounded over that. My auto-pilot turned on....and that was it. I begged myself NOT to pick up that drink, I told myself all those things you need to deter yourself from drinking, and yet......my auto-pilot just tuned out my logical voice and drank. I had 5 days.
THANKFULLY about 5 minutes after picking up my drink, I ran to the bathroom and brought it all up. I didn't TRY to get sick, but something inside me fought the booze and it all came up. I was SO, SO sick! I tossed the rest of my drink and layed down. So here I am, back on day one.
I know that some reading this will say that it happened because I don't go to AA. But AA doesn't work for me. I have tried on three different occasions. I don't 'connect' with people. When I'm in those rooms, I hate every minute of it. I don't relate to people. I always hear about how people felt 'at home' when they entered those rooms. I have the opposite feeling. I feel completely out of place and can barely sit still. I have tried and tried the program. It doesn't work for me. Also, I grew up with the program, my mother has been in and out of it all of my life, and it could never help her, so I have been left with an automatic bad feeling about AA. So I try to stay sober on my own. But I isolate. I have been doing that for about 10 years now. Slowly, more and more. I don't talk to my friends, I don't 'get out there'. I like to be left alone. Having said that....I have been trying these past 5 days to get out of my shell and reach out. And I will continue to do that. I will continue to try to stay sober. I am back on day one and will try again. I'm not going to give up trying. So here it goes, day one again.
I WISH WISH WISH I could purge this demon, get it out of my system.
Anyways.....here I go again...
THANKFULLY about 5 minutes after picking up my drink, I ran to the bathroom and brought it all up. I didn't TRY to get sick, but something inside me fought the booze and it all came up. I was SO, SO sick! I tossed the rest of my drink and layed down. So here I am, back on day one.
I know that some reading this will say that it happened because I don't go to AA. But AA doesn't work for me. I have tried on three different occasions. I don't 'connect' with people. When I'm in those rooms, I hate every minute of it. I don't relate to people. I always hear about how people felt 'at home' when they entered those rooms. I have the opposite feeling. I feel completely out of place and can barely sit still. I have tried and tried the program. It doesn't work for me. Also, I grew up with the program, my mother has been in and out of it all of my life, and it could never help her, so I have been left with an automatic bad feeling about AA. So I try to stay sober on my own. But I isolate. I have been doing that for about 10 years now. Slowly, more and more. I don't talk to my friends, I don't 'get out there'. I like to be left alone. Having said that....I have been trying these past 5 days to get out of my shell and reach out. And I will continue to do that. I will continue to try to stay sober. I am back on day one and will try again. I'm not going to give up trying. So here it goes, day one again.
I WISH WISH WISH I could purge this demon, get it out of my system.
Anyways.....here I go again...
Total Comments 5
Comments
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I did not feel immediately at home in AA.
AA may or may not hold the key to sobriety for you.
If not AA - what then? You mention that you try to get sober on your own - and that's obviously not working. What ARE you willing to try?
You know by now that alcoholism is progressive. You've seen what it's done to your mother, and to yourself.
I'll keep challenging you on this, because you remind me of me, and you are worth sobriety. Life has so much more to offer than what you are experiencing.Posted 01-17-2008 at 08:14 AM by Rowan
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We need to have a desuire to stop + a plan, so whats your plan? Rowan had some good ideas.
KevinPosted 01-17-2008 at 07:34 PM by nogard - tay-lyn,
not to bust you balls, or anything, but AA only works if you stop drinking. the only way to stop drinking is to stop drinking. making excuses for your drinking is not stopping drinking. blame anything and anyone else you want. that won't change the fact that the only way you can stop is if YOU STOP. no one can do it for you. of course, you can't do it alone either. that's why people need AA, or therapy, or something else. no human being needs to drink. when do you want to start looking at yourself, and stop blaming others? that's when you will begin to identify with others who truly want to stop.Posted 06-18-2008 at 03:47 PM by JohnPainter -
aa doesn't and hasn't worked for me either. unlike you, i liked going to the meetings--hell i felt at home with all my fellow alkies and they liked me too--i had stories they hadn't heard before and i didn't mind reading out loud. but it's not for me. made me feel like drinking more and i did.
i isolate too. so i understand those sentences in your post a lot. i hope u take care of yourself today and congrats on trying to get out more--i know it's harder than just keeping to urself and takes some effort. and congrats on day one
Posted 06-18-2008 at 04:46 PM by faith08 - just an fyi to johnpainter and faith - this blog is several months old.Posted 06-19-2008 at 03:47 PM by Rowan
