http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/splendra/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Mon, 23 Nov 2009 03:39:37 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/splendra/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/splendra/1347-death.html Sun, 26 Oct 2008 21:32:28 GMT I have worked with people who are dying and at first it was so scary and I did not think I could handle it to know going in that some of them were just hours and sometimes even minutes away from... I have worked with people who are dying and at first it was so scary and I did not think I could handle it to know going in that some of them were just hours and sometimes even minutes away from their last breath. How could I be of comfort to them was a question I had going in. Many times I just sit and breathe with them. None of us are going to get out of here alive ya know.I found this energy in being a witness to their last breath and nothing has taught me how precious life is as much as visiting the dying. The last breath is a lot like how we hold our breath to swim. The dying take their last breath to propel them into the great unknown of death. ]]> splendra http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/splendra/1347-death.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/splendra/1227-one-who-could-get-away.html Wed, 17 Sep 2008 18:44:45 GMT I remember being where you are right now. It was a long time ago and I have lost a lot and hurt a lot because I did not recognize that when I was where you are now I was at a "jumping off the train to no where point".

My H is a great guy he really is he is so funny and smart and very talented and creative when he wants to be that is.

But and there is a big butt his disease is progressing and the window of seeing the great person he is is getting smaller and smaller. He does not use all the time but his disease is almost always out on patrol. He can't do anything unless I or someone is pushing him to do it. He is out of work right now and I long for the jumping off spot to show up again so next time I won't miss my chance. These past 3 years have been filled with anxiety for me as he subcomes more and more to his disease I get weaker and weaker but something might break cause he is out of work right now and has a suspended sentence for not paying his child support. I used to make sure he paid it but I got tired of taking this responsibility for him. He has lost so much and keeps on sliding. I don't know why I don't kick his ass out to the curb. I feel so sorry for this broken man I guess and I have lost so much too and I know that there is nothing I can do to help him. Plus I know he will do something really dramatic that is designed to hurt me if I do kick him out and I just don't have the energy. You could get to this point it take a couple of years to get here but if you hang in long enough you could be like me.


There is no reasoning with him about his disease he will defend it to the bitter end. I am sure it will kill him one day. I am the one who is wrong about the whole thing in his mind I nag him about it even when he is not using. He has the most delicate of bubbles around him and anything that is not about feel good, fantasy BS is too much for him to bear and he goes and crawls into his dank little hole in his mind and stays there and pouts until he can come up with a scheme to make some money so he can go and get some dope. Sometime one of his dope dealers will come and get him to repair or make something for him and they will pay him in dope oh how nice ya know.

The memories being made aren't about making sweet love and having wonderful joyful times together anymore no all the days just kind of run together nothing changes expect for sometimes he goes on a binge and feels really terrible for several days or months until he scores again. This is what it is like to live with an addict who does not get clean.

I have known many addicts in my day to me it seems that very few of them ever pull themselves together. I admire the ones who do a great deal. When couples survive this kind of thing and recover together is is truly amazing but it is very rare. Nobody even your A would blame you if you decided you did not want to do this anymore ]]> splendra http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/splendra/1227-one-who-could-get-away.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/splendra/1098-continued.html Sat, 09 Aug 2008 14:44:42 GMT My friend helped me to see me as energy, light she showed me a reflection of myself that I had never seen. She helped to get past the slaps in the head and heart that I had endured all of my life she... My friend helped me to see me as energy, light she showed me a reflection of myself that I had never seen. She helped to get past the slaps in the head and heart that I had endured all of my life she helped see that I was leaking all over she showed me how to heal these leaks. I have since still made many mistakes and I still leak sometimes. The good thing is that I am aware now when before I was not.

My sexuality is no longer just an urge that I go on a mission to release or satisfy. I guess I am past the age of doing the hormonal march. But I wish I had known about this energy stuff when I was young that's for sure. I was raised to be sub servant to men. I did not like this role from the very beginning and many times I took a good beating for it I did on some level accept this conditioning. Cause I have spent a good It is energy that I use to help me be me. I never know from one day to the next if I will discover a block in myself I am still learning. When I discover these blocks now I want to deal with them I want to find a new part of me. At this time in my life I am going some very awkward changes I am up against the biggest block in my being that I have ever found it feels like the mother lode. I could choose to have sex and not deal with this block ]]> splendra http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/splendra/1098-continued.html