Getting to know and love me
It has very much enhanced my spiritual journey to to feel the energy of my sexuality. I have found that for me to learn to conserve and contain this energy is almost better than food. I know I have to have food, water, light and contact with others and my HP. But I do not have to have sex....
This may sound strange to some but before I knew about this energy I was always constipated and had 2 periods a month and always felt tired and drained. Like a stream that is dammed up my energy was blocked. I thought I needed to release this blocked up energy and I tried to use someone else's body for that purpose.
I thought I needed to have sex. It is very easy for a woman to find a willing participant. I thought I was being selective I chose people I knew and liked but after I always felt there was something missing and I always felt drained. My constipation and monthly bleeding would often increase at these times of having sex.
I met this very healthy individual (a woman) I noticed something about her from the very beginning she had something I did not have which was self esteem.
I worked in a therapeutic environment and had been clean from alcohol and drugs for several years. I thought I was healed and balanced. Somewhere along the line I realized I did not have any healthy role models who were women. My mom operated from a victim, martyr place and I believe I chose that stance for myself as well. It was automatic there were a million ways for me to operate from this position. Although before I got off of drugs and alcohol I was in therapy to help me get clean and I stayed in therapy for several years afterwards and they helped me so much there were still many layers upon layers of "stuff" for me to deal with. Getting past the victim hood was huge for me.
It has very much enhanced my spiritual journey to to feel the energy of my sexuality. I have found that for me to learn to conserve and contain this energy is almost better than food. I know I have to have food, water, light and contact with others and my HP. But I do not have to have sex....
This may sound strange to some but before I knew about this energy I was always constipated and had 2 periods a month and always felt tired and drained. Like a stream that is dammed up my energy was blocked. I thought I needed to release this blocked up energy and I tried to use someone else's body for that purpose.
I thought I needed to have sex. It is very easy for a woman to find a willing participant. I thought I was being selective I chose people I knew and liked but after I always felt there was something missing and I always felt drained. My constipation and monthly bleeding would often increase at these times of having sex.
I met this very healthy individual (a woman) I noticed something about her from the very beginning she had something I did not have which was self esteem.
I worked in a therapeutic environment and had been clean from alcohol and drugs for several years. I thought I was healed and balanced. Somewhere along the line I realized I did not have any healthy role models who were women. My mom operated from a victim, martyr place and I believe I chose that stance for myself as well. It was automatic there were a million ways for me to operate from this position. Although before I got off of drugs and alcohol I was in therapy to help me get clean and I stayed in therapy for several years afterwards and they helped me so much there were still many layers upon layers of "stuff" for me to deal with. Getting past the victim hood was huge for me.
To the one who could get away
Posted 09-17-2008 at 12:44 PM by splendra
I remember being where you are right now. It was a long time ago and I have lost a lot and hurt a lot because I did not recognize that when I was where you are now I was at a "jumping off the train to no where point".
My H is a great guy he really is he is so funny and smart and very talented and creative when he wants to be that is.
But and there is a big butt his disease is progressing and the window of seeing the great person he is is getting smaller and smaller. He does not use all the time but his disease is almost always out on patrol. He can't do anything unless I or someone is pushing him to do it. He is out of work right now and I long for the jumping off spot to show up again so next time I won't miss my chance. These past 3 years have been filled with anxiety for me as he subcomes more and more to his disease I get weaker and weaker but something might break cause he is out of work right now and has a suspended sentence for not paying his child support. I used to make sure he paid it but I got tired of taking this responsibility for him. He has lost so much and keeps on sliding. I don't know why I don't kick his ass out to the curb. I feel so sorry for this broken man I guess and I have lost so much too and I know that there is nothing I can do to help him. Plus I know he will do something really dramatic that is designed to hurt me if I do kick him out and I just don't have the energy. You could get to this point it take a couple of years to get here but if you hang in long enough you could be like me.
There is no reasoning with him about his disease he will defend it to the bitter end. I am sure it will kill him one day. I am the one who is wrong about the whole thing in his mind I nag him about it even when he is not using. He has the most delicate of bubbles around him and anything that is not about feel good, fantasy BS is too much for him to bear and he goes and crawls into his dank little hole in his mind and stays there and pouts until he can come up with a scheme to make some money so he can go and get some dope. Sometime one of his dope dealers will come and get him to repair or make something for him and they will pay him in dope oh how nice ya know.
The memories being made aren't about making sweet love and having wonderful joyful times together anymore no all the days just kind of run together nothing changes expect for sometimes he goes on a binge and feels really terrible for several days or months until he scores again. This is what it is like to live with an addict who does not get clean.
I have known many addicts in my day to me it seems that very few of them ever pull themselves together. I admire the ones who do a great deal. When couples survive this kind of thing and recover together is is truly amazing but it is very rare. Nobody even your A would blame you if you decided you did not want to do this anymore
My H is a great guy he really is he is so funny and smart and very talented and creative when he wants to be that is.
But and there is a big butt his disease is progressing and the window of seeing the great person he is is getting smaller and smaller. He does not use all the time but his disease is almost always out on patrol. He can't do anything unless I or someone is pushing him to do it. He is out of work right now and I long for the jumping off spot to show up again so next time I won't miss my chance. These past 3 years have been filled with anxiety for me as he subcomes more and more to his disease I get weaker and weaker but something might break cause he is out of work right now and has a suspended sentence for not paying his child support. I used to make sure he paid it but I got tired of taking this responsibility for him. He has lost so much and keeps on sliding. I don't know why I don't kick his ass out to the curb. I feel so sorry for this broken man I guess and I have lost so much too and I know that there is nothing I can do to help him. Plus I know he will do something really dramatic that is designed to hurt me if I do kick him out and I just don't have the energy. You could get to this point it take a couple of years to get here but if you hang in long enough you could be like me.
There is no reasoning with him about his disease he will defend it to the bitter end. I am sure it will kill him one day. I am the one who is wrong about the whole thing in his mind I nag him about it even when he is not using. He has the most delicate of bubbles around him and anything that is not about feel good, fantasy BS is too much for him to bear and he goes and crawls into his dank little hole in his mind and stays there and pouts until he can come up with a scheme to make some money so he can go and get some dope. Sometime one of his dope dealers will come and get him to repair or make something for him and they will pay him in dope oh how nice ya know.
The memories being made aren't about making sweet love and having wonderful joyful times together anymore no all the days just kind of run together nothing changes expect for sometimes he goes on a binge and feels really terrible for several days or months until he scores again. This is what it is like to live with an addict who does not get clean.
I have known many addicts in my day to me it seems that very few of them ever pull themselves together. I admire the ones who do a great deal. When couples survive this kind of thing and recover together is is truly amazing but it is very rare. Nobody even your A would blame you if you decided you did not want to do this anymore
Total Comments 2
Comments
-
((((splendra))))Posted 09-18-2008 at 09:30 PM by Rowan
-
Thanks((((Rowan))))
I am extremely tired of the drama. Now he has done something to his hip and he really wants me to take care of him. Oh the moaning and groaning is really getting on my nervesPosted 10-24-2008 at 05:34 AM by splendra
