I just need to dissociate. I want to leave myself behind. Just need to be a new fxcking person. My therapist told me to start a nightmare log, something to keep track of all the nightmares I have, no matter how weird, or out there. If they scare me, or confuse me, I write it down. She told me I should be journaling everyday just how I feel in general too so I have been... I just flipped through the last 3 weeks. There is something wrong. All the therapy, all the meds, all the journaling I do...I...

Not physical sick, no, mental sick. I don't know if I can get past this week, I feel like I'm dragging my feet in the mud, sinking with each step I take. The anxiety got the best of me today. I haven't had an anxiety attack in a while but something brought me back.

I got blood on my hands today. It wasn't my blood, it wasn't even human blood, it was from a dog with a deep wound on his head that some cold-hearted individual dropped off at the shelter and sped away. He needed stitches...

That's what I had to tell her, I am so insecure of myself and I cannot shake those thoughts and frustrations that no one is going to get me. No one is going to understand the personal hell I've cultivated for myself for no apparent reason. Does anyone else ever get like this? Where you just feel like bashing brains cause you can't deal with where life is taking you? Cause you don't think anyone believes you, or your story, or believes in you. I now have almost a year clean and I still cannot express...

...cause they make me feel like I've awoken into hell.

They certainly don't go away either.

There is either blood spilling, or dark hidden corners that masked people come out of. Sometimes in face paint, under hats, behind glasses, hiding beneath surgeon masks... Sometimes I know their identity and sometimes they're just faceless people, or people who I've never seen in my entire life but are there staring at me with threatening eyes.

Guns and knives...

Rehabilitation

A grueling symphony of awkward drones
finding new lives among the clean-cut
sound-minded people, take for granted
nothing for you have been saved
from your terrorist past.

Come to grips with this new life
no need to think, nor act upon the conniving
unforgiving voice in your head urging
you to bathe your tongue in a bitter tonic
and act unruly among your peers.

The fierce passion...