Though not all my thoughts or memories are coherent right now there has been a bothersome one there all day. My emotions have been all over the place since the surgeries and I know that is partly to blame but this is bringing me to tears. Perhaps they are more tears of frustration than grief, I don't know for sure. I am finally with these people that love and care about me, people that I would trust with my life, but all I can think about is how abandoned I feel. I need my dad, right now, but I...

I'm talking about pushing people away, not following the simplest of directions, not sleeping, not eating, and screwing yourself beyond belief because you don't deserve to be happy. I consciously KNOW that I am doing this, I am doing this exact thing, but I keep doing it. Why?

I should be talking to the people that I know care for me right now but I'm not. It's not that I hate them, in fact I love them, but I just can't deal with it right now. I can't take the words and I can't take...

Yup, I said it.

My dad was a piece of garbage. At least that's how I feel about him right now.

I was going through my old blog posts and that seems to be a bad idea... I found this one and it made me realize some things are not resolved, not even damn near close to being resolved.

...

I am having a major meltdown in the secrecy of my room tonight. My roommates friend is totally whacked out of his mind, high, and it's making my stomach turn. Jake asked if his friend could sleep here for the night, I said "That's fine" before even seeing the guy but the minute I walked into the living room I just wanted to press rewind and make sure those words never left my mouth. I should have said no...no no no no no. I was supposed to have a calm night and now all I can think about...