SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - Blogs - SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:38:36 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - Blogs - SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/ <![CDATA[Contemplating Things I Shouldn't Contemplate.]]> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/11097-contemplating-things-i-shouldnt-contemplate.html Sat, 07 Jan 2012 07:23:53 GMT Priority #1: Get back on anti-ds.








...You're an idiot. ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/11097-contemplating-things-i-shouldnt-contemplate.html Fxck PTSD. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/10967-fxck-ptsd.html Fri, 23 Dec 2011 05:45:09 GMT !@#$%

I'm tired of the flashbacks, the nightmares, the anxiety, and the random fxckin panic attacks. Well, they're not so random, they come for a reason, but they're "inconvenient." Apparently my meds were actually doing something, they seemed to suppress the anxiety and keep the panic attacks at bay, but now that I'm off them it's just a huge cloud of shxt hanging over me. It's just coming down and I don't think it's going to let up anytime soon.

The day didn't start off great, I woke up around 2 am trying to shake off a nightmare, which isn't unusual for me. I woke up feeling panicked, like my world was about to end. I was sweating profusely and it took me a minute to realize that I was, in fact, okay and safe. I dreamt that some man was coming through in a rampage, shooting everyone that was close to me or that I loved. He left me alone though, wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't listen to what I had to say or my pleas for him to stop. I begged him to stop killing these people that I loved and to leave us alone, then all of the sudden I was talking to some cops about it. It was so vivid...one of them was one of the cops I talked to the day my dad committed suicide. I woke up after this moment, scared that I was back in that place... The drugs, indirectly, took his life. What if they, indirectly, take mine too? What if I just never get past these nightmares or flashbacks? That's no way to live, and I know that I wouldn't be able to live like that. It is too hard to live in a life of fear and paranoia, it keeps you from enjoying anything.

It is not that I feel guilty over his death, I'm past that. It's just that reliving it in my mind all the time makes it that much harder to let go. And every single time, never fails, I feel the same abandonment that I felt that day. The pain doesn't dull and it never goes away. I've told people that yeah, it gets easier over time, and that's true, I don't think about it every minute of every day but damn, I still think about it a lot. It rears its ugly head all the time and I can't avoid it. I am just so tired of feeling trapped in a life without real love.

But then I have to argue with myself, what really is real love? I have people that love me, so I don't understand, what the hell am I looking for? I think I just don't let myself be loved, but why not? I feel like it would solve everything for me, I think maybe it will fill that void, but I don't know...and I probably won't find out given how I don't know how to let go.

So basically, I got off to a very rough start this morning. Been on my toes all day, just anxious as all hell. It just kept turning over in my mind and I couldn't move past it. Then I got triggered and flew into a panic attack...it shouldn't happen like this. I feel like blaming my parents for everything I'm feeling and enduring and I want to blame them for "screwing me up." Yes, they had a large hand in it, but I know it's not right to blame them. They don't control my life or my emotions, only I can control that. I'm not very good at it yet, I guess...

I'm pretty sure all the time I've spent in therapy has done very little...that's how I feel right now anyway. It has not been a good day. ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/10967-fxck-ptsd.html RIP Mike http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/9961-rip-mike.html Wed, 14 Dec 2011 04:23:03 GMT I bet you're sittin with Tommy right now. Hope you guys are kickin' it like old times...


^Tommy^Mike ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/9961-rip-mike.html No More Medication http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/7229-no-more-medication.html Thu, 24 Nov 2011 05:42:45 GMT I'm sick of being on so many medications when I feel like so few work. I'm thinking about jumping off them. And at this rate, I'm not going to have enough money to pay for them soon, or counseling, or anything. I'm not sure anymore, if they really do work. At first I felt like they did something, helped balance me out, but lately it's just been a down swing. I just feel like they aren't working like they should. I feel like giving up. I've tried so many different ones, sometimes I think that meds just aren't made to suit me. I quit trying sleep meds, my doctor finally ran out of ideas on those. Now I'm on a mix of anti-ds and anti-anxiety meds (just like everyone else it seems). I just feel like I'm helpless right now, I don't think there is anything left to do. Maybe I should start over, "clean the slate." I'm just tired of trying things that don't work... ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/7229-no-more-medication.html Goodbye Goliath http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/6596-goodbye-goliath.html Thu, 13 Oct 2011 00:55:55 GMT You will forever be my best buddy.

...And the donkey's.



R.I.P. ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/6596-goodbye-goliath.html I Am Suffering Tonight http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/6196-i-am-suffering-tonight.html Fri, 19 Aug 2011 05:58:02 GMT Though not all my thoughts or memories are coherent right now there has been a bothersome one there all day. My emotions have been all over the place since the surgeries and I know that is partly to... Though not all my thoughts or memories are coherent right now there has been a bothersome one there all day. My emotions have been all over the place since the surgeries and I know that is partly to blame but this is bringing me to tears. Perhaps they are more tears of frustration than grief, I don't know for sure. I am finally with these people that love and care about me, people that I would trust with my life, but all I can think about is how abandoned I feel. I need my dad, right now, but I don't know why. I miss him. I miss him terribly but I don't know why. I think I miss the stereotypical dad, the picture of what I wanted him to be, but that was something he never was. So how can I miss him? How can I want him to be here right now when I know that he could do nothing for me? It is a stabbing pain knowing that he did what he did but not knowing why. I am supposed to let go of this. I was supposed to let go of this over two years ago. I can't. I'm not ready yet. Why would he leave me like he did? Why so gruesome? I feel as if it was a punishment, that I did something to deserve it. That's what it feels like, even if it is not true. I just need to know so I can sleep at night. So I cannot have nightmares. So I cannot be tortured any longer. I feel the depth of despair when I am surrounded with love. It doesn't make sense...crying doesn't make sense.

So dad, I need you but you are not here. You never were. What should I do now? ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/6196-i-am-suffering-tonight.html Self Sabotage http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/6009-self-sabotage.html Sat, 09 Jul 2011 07:14:24 GMT I'm talking about pushing people away, not following the simplest of directions, not sleeping, not eating, and screwing yourself beyond belief because you don't deserve to be happy. I consciously KNOW that I am doing this, I am doing this exact thing, but I keep doing it. Why?

I should be talking to the people that I know care for me right now but I'm not. It's not that I hate them, in fact I love them, but I just can't deal with it right now. I can't take the words and I can't take anymore direction. Maybe I just need to be me right now, but I know that that's a terrible idea because "me" isn't a happy, functional person. It's a guilt-stricken, ashamed, enraged, anxiety-ridden basket case and so much more.

I should be sleeping. I'm not. I quit the sleep meds, they're not helping. Now I'm stuck, drearily awake thinking about millions of things, just cycling over and over and over. I'm afraid to fall asleep. My night terrors have been frequent recently...my roommate has yelled at me and shaken me awake saying that I was screaming or crying, my heart will be pounding and I will be sweating profusely, confused...almost dazed. I feel an incredible amount of fear but I cannot recall what's happened in the dream. I think the fact that I don't know what was so frightening in the dream is more disturbing to me than waking up like that. My roommate simply states that I should get it "straightened out with someone." I've tried, man, have I tried...

I should be eating. I am not...or rather I cannot. The sense of nervousness I feel tightens my stomach, I cannot get anything down. I cannot force myself to eat. I am not anorexic, I just cannot handle the stress I feel right now. A character in my favorite book describes it so well, "It's like a gnawing, the tug of a rope wrapped around the end of my esophagus. There's a man down there and he wants food, but the only way he knows how to ask for it is to tug on the rope, and when he does, it closes up the entrance so I can't put anything in." This is exactly how it feels. And I know this lack of food and lack of sleep is getting to me, this is what is partially to blame for my self sabotage.

I know I deserve to happy. Somewhere inside myself I know I do. I did not bring the majority of misfortune I have experienced upon myself. It was not up to me. But because I know this, this is not the problem I am up against, so again I ask, why? It's like I just don't WANT to be happy. I don't know any other way to live, but that's a lie. I have my happy moments, I know what it is like and I do not want to turn away from those moments. They're too good. Happiness itself is a drug, though it is a good one, but the addiction to happiness is much weaker than the addiction to chaos. I quit everything, not only the bad drugs, but the good ones too. And the good people. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I don't want to go back though, I want to live in neutrality, but I don't know how much longer I can last. I feel terrible. Stupid and worthless.

I Gave You All - Mumford and Sons
You've won. ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/6009-self-sabotage.html <![CDATA[Screw Father's Day]]> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/5903-screw-fathers-day.html Sun, 19 Jun 2011 04:12:15 GMT Yup, I said it.

My dad was a piece of garbage. At least that's how I feel about him right now. ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/5903-screw-fathers-day.html Sinking in Resentment http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/5791-sinking-resentment.html Wed, 01 Jun 2011 05:48:28 GMT I was going through my old blog posts and that seems to be a bad idea... I found this one and it made me realize some things are not resolved, not even damn near close to being resolved. ... I was going through my old blog posts and that seems to be a bad idea... I found this one and it made me realize some things are not resolved, not even damn near close to being resolved.

Quote:
Mom,

I know you mean well, but why can't you just support me in this?
Why can't I explain this to you?
Why don't you get it?

Please, just try to understand...I can't compete with you. I need you. I need you to be there and try to help me out. Try to understand, I'm choking back the urge to fight with you everday. I can't rely on you, I can't trust you. Why? It doesn't have to be like this, it never did. You know my past...why did you leave me with dad? It hurts, it really hurts. Drugs was not a reason to leave me...especially among the other things that happened as well the year before you left. I was not okay when you left. I was far from okay and I think you knew that. You cannot expect me to forgive you for this right away, it doesn't work like that.

Why is it that I have to gain your trust back? Shouldn't it be the other way around? You abandoned me...you might not have seen it like that, but I certainly did. Did you think that leaving with me with dad was going to help me? Really? Housing a drug addict with another drug addict isn't a very bright idea. Housing an emotionally crippled person with a drug addict also isn't a very good idea. Sorry you didn't see that, but you're lucky that wasn't a death sentence for me when you know it very well could have been. You knew how I was, but you still took that chance to leave me behind. Now you refuse to listen to me and what I need to get out of me...before it goes back to when I was 14 and if I keep having this in my head that's where its going. It's been going that way the last 2 years, I only held out because I thought by some slight chance things were going to get better. I knew that if I didn't and I failed again I'd end up back in the place I didn't want to be. It's never gone away Mom, I don't know why you think it would. I found my father dead, do you think that's not going to bring up old stuff? Do you think I'll be fine with time? I don't. Do you think that because I've seen him dead, it has cured me of everything because I don't want to die? Let's think about that... I don't want to die.. remind you of anything? Have you ever even wondered about my well-being in the past 2 years? Ever think I was not going to be here the answer the phone that 5 or so times you called? I did.

I feel like I've seen my dad die thousands of times in these past years. You know that when he was high he would come in and lay on the couch and I would go in to check and see if he was still breathing? You know how much sleep I've lost just wondering if he's still alive out there but too afraid to go look? You know that the next day he would yell at me and tell me I was a piece of shxt? You know that one time he locked me out for the night because he thought I was a stranger because he was so out of his mind that night he couldn't differentiate between his own son and other people? You know that I've used over him so many times that I can't figure out how not to do it over his death?

No. You don't.

Maybe if you listened, you would know.
After reading it, I realized I still harbor everything I said here. I have A LOT of resentment towards her, and for good reason maybe but I'm so sick with it and I still wonder why I can't move on. My mom wasn't always so terrible, not until she left me behind. Then things got ugly. I guess I'ma bit conflicted though, a bit contradicting, because I see all the parents here going through it with their addict children, kicking them out of the house and not allowing contact until they clean themselves up, and I believe they're doing the right thing. I can't help but wonder if this is what my mom was trying to do, but just did it in such a twisted, rotten way, that made it seem like she was doing it for the wrong reasons. Personally, I feel as if she abandoned me, and left me in an unsafe place with an unsafe person, as if she did not care about me or my well-being at all. I understand her want and need to pull her and my little sister away from the situation and to separate themselves to protect themselves, but I still think I was too young to be left behind like I was. Legally, I was too young. To be living on your own practically at 15 isn't easy. Technically, I guess I wasn't alone, but it's not as if my dad was providing any sound guidance being the heroin chaser he was, leaving little money to take care of my own needs. If I was lucky, he would pass out or fall asleep and I would sneak money out of his wallet for myself, otherwise I would not have any means of feeding myself. I was too young to work and my dad was not about to put me before his own addiction. I would buy peanut butter, bread, and apples and stash them in my room, making sure they were for ME and that my dad would not get ahold of any because I was afraid I wouldn't get a chance at more money for a while. This is why I see my mom the way I do, she left me in a neglectful environment when she knew full well that I would not be able to provide for myself.

At this time, I was not mentally "well." The year before she left, I had written a suicide note, but she found it before I did anything. She took me to the hospital, and they didn't really do anything besides do a psych eval of which I lied all the way through. Though I never asked for it, even after finding the note, she never offered help for me, though it may have been because we simply didn't have the money for it. It was more of a "Don't do this, you'll regret it" talk. Well how can I regret something if I'm dead? I always thought, but I guess I never went through with it because I found speed instead...

At 14 I really just dabbled in it, I didn't really get into it until I was 15, however it was enough to of a "good feeling" to keep me going. I'm sure my mom noticed, I doubt I was very good at hiding it. But what still upsets me is what in the hell made her decide "Enough is enough, lets get rid of him, I don't want to see him ever again." I guess I don't get how she could leave her fifteen year old son to his own devices with a heroin abuser as his role model. How did she think that was going to play out? I'm her son, she is supposed to love me, not throw me to the dogs and hope that I make it out okay. Why would I ever make it out of there okay? Like everyone here says, addiction only ends in jail or death. I guess she didn't know that and it sure as hell ended in death. A terrible, paralyzing scene that I cannot think about now without feeling suffocated. One of the things that bothers me most is how she came to get me a few days later after two years of very little contact and acted all motherly towards me, all "good" with me like we were buddies now or something. Then once we got to Michigan it was just straight up insult after insult. When me and Kirby were young she was not abusive, physically or verbally. What could have changed her view of me AND Kirby so much? I was inconsolable after seeing the mayhem that occurred in my dad and I's apartment yet she added more pain and hurt to the mix. On more than one occasion, I was not even good enough to sleep in the house (at the beginning of March, mind you) and resorted to my car. Hell, I think I could have committed suicide instead of my father and she would not have shown an inkling of sadness. I will never forget it and I don't know if I will ever forgive her for what she has done.

Like I said, I hold a lot of resentments, and everything as stated in the quoted blog above still rings true for me. I thought maybe I had grown a little or accepted SOMETHING but I haven't. I don't know what to do. ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/5791-sinking-resentment.html Not Good Tonight http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/5785-not-good-tonight.html Mon, 30 May 2011 05:09:25 GMT I am having a major meltdown in the secrecy of my room tonight. My roommates friend is totally whacked out of his mind, high, and it's making my stomach turn. Jake asked if his friend could sleep here for the night, I said "That's fine" before even seeing the guy but the minute I walked into the living room I just wanted to press rewind and make sure those words never left my mouth. I should have said no...no no no no no. I was supposed to have a calm night and now all I can think about is my dad. This kid laying on the couch is the exact image of my dad when he was high. He'd walk in, settle himself on the couch and just drift to wherever lala-land would take him... And I would retreat to my room and feel like a prisoner. Like I do now. And I am afraid to go out there because I don't want to face whatever could be on the other side of my door. All I can picture right now is a motionless man, with a pool of blood on the floor and saturated couch cushion with a gun dropped near by. I can't shake the image and I am shaking.

As hard as I will try tonight, I will not be able to sleep, and I will be up all night listening... I'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop. This fear is building and I just want to make it stop, just halt it for a moment. I want to leave but there is only one place I can go, and that's my girlfriend's place and I can't go over there like this. Not in terror, I cannot act fine through terror. Sweaty hands, shaking body, quivering voice, and empty eyes are not something you can hide. She doesn't know about my family and I don't want her to find out about it by me having a panic attack in front of her. I don't know how she would react and I can't gauge it and it's driving me nuts. I just want to feel safe right now. This kid laying on my couch is too much of a reminder, a flashback so intense that I feel as if I can't escape it.

I just need to calm down. I am in a safe, secure place and I will be fine. This kid is just a stupid kid and nothing bad will happen, he will still be alive in the morning and he will leave. I will move on with my life and not dwell on these images. I just need to calm down... ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/5785-not-good-tonight.html <![CDATA[I can't be with myself right now.]]> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/4535-i-cant-myself-right-now.html Wed, 03 Nov 2010 02:15:44 GMT I just need to dissociate. I want to leave myself behind. Just need to be a new fxcking person. My therapist told me to start a nightmare log, something to keep track of all the nightmares I have, no... I just need to dissociate. I want to leave myself behind. Just need to be a new fxcking person. My therapist told me to start a nightmare log, something to keep track of all the nightmares I have, no matter how weird, or out there. If they scare me, or confuse me, I write it down. She told me I should be journaling everyday just how I feel in general too so I have been... I just flipped through the last 3 weeks. There is something wrong. All the therapy, all the meds, all the journaling I do...I just don't get anywhere.

I've been doing the nightmare log since March. The dates were far apart, now I'm lucky if I get a week between nightmares... I had a panic attack the other day, I've been terribly low the past couple weeks, at one point contemplating using, and at the other contemplating suicide. I don't have my next appointment till Saturday. I feel like I'm losing my sanity, and you know, some days like yesterday, I just didn't care. I could have gone in peace...except for one thing. I just feel so worthless and replaceable, and those who replace me will be 100x better than I ever was or could be. I'm just tired of trying to understand what happened, why I feel this way, what I can do to get better. Right now I don't think there is anything I can do to get better. My ravenous thoughts CONSUME me on a day to day basis. I can't get any freedom from them, its not like I can take a vacation and say "See ya in a week!" I wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath, sweat just dripping from my forehead from the sickening memories I have locked in my head. I just want to get them out. And I could write a whole fxcking book of them.

When I'm in my head, its like my dad is still alive, and I still live with my mom, and I'm still 14, and everyday is a monstrosity. And when I look back now I can see how badly my mom wanted to get rid of me, just unload me and dump me off somewhere and I can see how terribly my dad treated my sister and I, and I can see how strong these two horrible forces became in my life. And they're still in my life, somehow.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just fxcking sick of myself and my family. I love Kirby to death but EVERYONE is against me except her. Me vs. my uncles, aunts, grandmother, grandfather, counsins, fxcking GOD PARENTS. There is something wrong with ME. How can I turn so many people away when I'm not the entire problem? I did bad things, but my dad's done worse. I did bad things, but my mom's done worse. I made terrible choices, but I feel I have paid my dues. I feel like noone's given me a second thought in my family. I was invisible when I was young, and now I'm the main focus of their hatred. They're not proud of me, they hate me. They're not happy for me, they want to get rid of me.

Fxck them all. Fxck IT all. ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/4535-i-cant-myself-right-now.html I feel sick http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/4518-i-feel-sick.html Mon, 01 Nov 2010 03:10:18 GMT Not physical sick, no, mental sick. I don't know if I can get past this week, I feel like I'm dragging my feet in the mud, sinking with each step I take. The anxiety got the best of me today. I haven't had an anxiety attack in a while but something brought me back.

I got blood on my hands today. It wasn't my blood, it wasn't even human blood, it was from a dog with a deep wound on his head that some cold-hearted individual dropped off at the shelter and sped away. He needed stitches and at the very moment we found him, I didn't have any gloves. No towels or any sort of fabric at all, so I applied pressure with my t-shirt, holding it down with my bare hand. Of course, we got him to the back room so the vets could look at him, and he was fine, and I thought I was too until I went to go wash the blood off my hands. That's when it struck me. The vivid memories came sweeping in, all that blood... all over me and Goliath and my dad just laying there lifeless. I spiralled into a state of panic and and crumbled to the ground, trying to catch my breath. Eyes closed, concentrating on breathing, my manager walks in, just the person I needed to see of course...asked me if I was okay, lied and said I had an asthma attack, he was trying to be nice and wanted me to go home but I insisted I was fine... I just don't need to focus on it anymore.

I don't want to think about it anymore, it tortures me and never strays too far from my thoughts. So maybe I still want to conceal it a bit, as I am posting on here and hardly anybody reads my blogs, but I need to admit it. It's killing me...and I don't know if anything is going to help me at this point. But I've been lying. To protect myself, which I realize isn't doing anything for me now except making me keep everything to myself, allowing myself to isolate and just not be apart of anything. It is keeping me from functioning as a normal person, maybe not wholly, but partly. So here it is: My dad didn't die from an overdose. He killed himself by shooting himself in the head. And I found him. And I've been keeping this a secret from everyone, except a couple of close friends, and two of you on here... And sometimes its like I've been keeping it a secret from myself. I want so badly to not ever know any of this happened and to never have seen what I saw, but I did. And I can't erase my memory.

I feel sick. ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/4518-i-feel-sick.html If you believe me http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/4197-if-you-believe-me.html Tue, 24 Aug 2010 08:16:25 GMT That's what I had to tell her, I am so insecure of myself and I cannot shake those thoughts and frustrations that no one is going to get me. No one is going to understand the personal hell I've cultivated for myself for no apparent reason. Does anyone else ever get like this? Where you just feel like bashing brains cause you can't deal with where life is taking you? Cause you don't think anyone believes you, or your story, or believes in you. I now have almost a year clean and I still cannot express myself in a manner I would like to. Like a normal person would. But there is a difference there that is noticeable but so unattainable for me and I just wish I could fill that void. I need some caulk and glue to stick myself together. But I can't so I'm doing these 3 am ramblings of random **** nobody really cares about.

Sometimes I wish you could just drop off the earth...and maybe, if you really wanted to, come back in 50 years and see how life's changed and see how you fit in then. Maybe you, and your unique, puzzle-piece figure, will fit in somewhere then. I know we're not that different, addict to addict, alcoholic to alcoholic, but WE are different than the rest of the world. We may share the same stories without as much grief as a totally clean/sober person. Sometimes I think we lack empathy because we have to be so enraptured with ourselves on a day to day basis just to stay clean. Sometimes I think that we won't ever understand true feelings again or ever feel anything other than anger or resentment or sadness. We've been tucked away and hidden in the back, ignored for much of our lives cause we were considered scum. Worthless beating hearts.

And I think it's funny when people tell me to find God. No. If there is a God he sure as hell hasn't done his job. I live with HUMANS. Living, breathing, physical beings. They are the only ones that can help me. And they are the only ones that can hurt me. God does not have a say in the matter. He does not keep me clean, I keep me clean and I do all the work. And I'm the one getting overwhelmed and not even "almighty God" can humble me. Not this time around, not ever. I just don't understand how anyone can think that someone who is supposed to watch over us and guide us through life would let all this suffering occur. And to GOOD people too, like my sister who had the shittiest life handed to her for no good reason. She's done absolutely nothing to deserve it and I'm angry that she has to go through it semi-alone. It is not her fault she is where she is. If anything, it's mine.

I do not deny that I hold a lot of resentment. Mainly towards one person who cannot seem to wrap her head around the fact that I am not a constant disappointment, she just makes me feel like one. That I am not a loser who cannot get his **** straight. And I am not a kid anymore that she can just leave behind at free will. To her, I will never be her son, and she will never be my mother. But I am so atrociously attached to the idea of proving my self and my self-worth to her, it's sickening. I loathe myself for it.

So until someone HEARS me, I am not finished. I think it's safe to say I feel pretty effed up right now. ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/4197-if-you-believe-me.html I Hate Nightmares... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/3706-i-hate-nightmares.html Fri, 04 Jun 2010 05:27:40 GMT ...cause they make me feel like I've awoken into hell.

They certainly don't go away either.

There is either blood spilling, or dark hidden corners that masked people come out of. Sometimes in face paint, under hats, behind glasses, hiding beneath surgeon masks... Sometimes I know their identity and sometimes they're just faceless people, or people who I've never seen in my entire life but are there staring at me with threatening eyes.

Guns and knives usually make great props for these people. I try to run. End up in a forest, a field, or maybe I just can't run and something holds me in place while this vicious person comes after me at such a speed that I cannot even look. But I do...cause it's a nightmare. Dreams are like the all-seeing eyes in life. They finish incomplete emotions and try to filter good and bad--sometimes very unsuccessfully and unnecessarily.

I just want to not have to deal with this anymore. ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/3706-i-hate-nightmares.html Rehabilitation http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/3643-rehabilitation.html Mon, 24 May 2010 21:50:45 GMT _Rehabilitation_ A grueling symphony of awkward drones finding new lives among the clean-cut sound-minded people, take for granted nothing for you have been saved from your terrorist past. ... Rehabilitation

A grueling symphony of awkward drones
finding new lives among the clean-cut
sound-minded people, take for granted
nothing for you have been saved
from your terrorist past.

Come to grips with this new life
no need to think, nor act upon the conniving
unforgiving voice in your head urging
you to bathe your tongue in a bitter tonic
and act unruly among your peers.

The fierce passion you feel for this liquid courage
must be overcome if you are ever to regain
consciousness and begin the patchwork
around the huge, gaping holes in life you have created
all by yourself when the voice screamed in your ear
and you could not take the teasing anymore.

You wage war on yourself with toxins
intruding chemicals alter your harmless disposition
sidling up to your mind, yellowing your eyes
making you neither friend nor family of mine.

This place is supposed to bring us hope that you will
find your way and find a new mask to fit your struggles
but all I see are empty faces, listless meetings, and jonesing
inmates, unsure of themselves and unsure of the blood
pumping through their veins or the clear mind
they haven’t ever had the chance of getting to know. ]]> SpeedyJason http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/speedyjason/3643-rehabilitation.html