For the love of God, just listen...
Mom,
I know you mean well, but why can't you just support me in this?
Why can't I explain this to you?
Why don't you get it?
Please, just try to understand...I can't compete with you. I need you. I need you to be there and try to help me out. Try to understand, I'm choking back the urge to fight with you everday. I can't rely on you, I can't trust you. Why? It doesn't have to be like this, it never did. You know my past...why did you leave me with dad? It hurts, it really hurts. Drugs was not a reason to leave me...especially among the other things that happened as well the year before you left. I was not okay when you left. I was far from okay and I think you knew that. You cannot expect me to forgive you for this right away, it doesn't work like that.
Why is it that I have to gain your trust back? Shouldn't it be the other way around? You abandoned me...you might not have seen it like that, but I certainly did. Did you think that leaving with me with dad was going to help me? Really? Housing a drug addict with another drug addict isn't a very bright idea. Housing an emotionally crippled person with a drug addict also isn't a very good idea. Sorry you didn't see that, but you're lucky that wasn't a death sentence for me when you know it very well could have been. You knew how I was, but you still took that chance to leave me behind. Now you refuse to listen to me and what I need to get out of me...before it goes back to when I was 14 and if I keep having this in my head that's where its going. It's been going that way the last 2 years, I only held out because I thought by some slight chance things were going to get better. I knew that if I didn't and I failed again I'd end up back in the place I didn't want to be. It's never gone away Mom, I don't know why you think it would. I found my father dead, do you think that's not going to bring up old stuff? Do you think I'll be fine with time? I don't. Do you think that because I've seen him dead, it has cured me of everything because I don't want to die? Let's think about that... I don't want to die.. remind you of anything? Have you ever even wondered about my well-being in the past 2 years? Ever think I was not going to be here the answer the phone that 5 or so times you called? I did.
I feel like I've seen my dad die thousands of times in these past years. You know that when he was high he would come in and lay on the couch and I would go in to check and see if he was still breathing? You know how much sleep I've lost just wondering if he's still alive out there but too afraid to go look? You know that the next day he would yell at me and tell me I was a piece of shxt? You know that one time he locked me out for the night because he thought I was a stranger because he was so out of his mind that night he couldn't differentiate between his own son and other people? You know that I've used over him so many times that I can't figure out how not to do it over his death?
No. You don't.
Maybe if you listened, you would know.
I know you mean well, but why can't you just support me in this?
Why can't I explain this to you?
Why don't you get it?
Please, just try to understand...I can't compete with you. I need you. I need you to be there and try to help me out. Try to understand, I'm choking back the urge to fight with you everday. I can't rely on you, I can't trust you. Why? It doesn't have to be like this, it never did. You know my past...why did you leave me with dad? It hurts, it really hurts. Drugs was not a reason to leave me...especially among the other things that happened as well the year before you left. I was not okay when you left. I was far from okay and I think you knew that. You cannot expect me to forgive you for this right away, it doesn't work like that.
Why is it that I have to gain your trust back? Shouldn't it be the other way around? You abandoned me...you might not have seen it like that, but I certainly did. Did you think that leaving with me with dad was going to help me? Really? Housing a drug addict with another drug addict isn't a very bright idea. Housing an emotionally crippled person with a drug addict also isn't a very good idea. Sorry you didn't see that, but you're lucky that wasn't a death sentence for me when you know it very well could have been. You knew how I was, but you still took that chance to leave me behind. Now you refuse to listen to me and what I need to get out of me...before it goes back to when I was 14 and if I keep having this in my head that's where its going. It's been going that way the last 2 years, I only held out because I thought by some slight chance things were going to get better. I knew that if I didn't and I failed again I'd end up back in the place I didn't want to be. It's never gone away Mom, I don't know why you think it would. I found my father dead, do you think that's not going to bring up old stuff? Do you think I'll be fine with time? I don't. Do you think that because I've seen him dead, it has cured me of everything because I don't want to die? Let's think about that... I don't want to die.. remind you of anything? Have you ever even wondered about my well-being in the past 2 years? Ever think I was not going to be here the answer the phone that 5 or so times you called? I did.
I feel like I've seen my dad die thousands of times in these past years. You know that when he was high he would come in and lay on the couch and I would go in to check and see if he was still breathing? You know how much sleep I've lost just wondering if he's still alive out there but too afraid to go look? You know that the next day he would yell at me and tell me I was a piece of shxt? You know that one time he locked me out for the night because he thought I was a stranger because he was so out of his mind that night he couldn't differentiate between his own son and other people? You know that I've used over him so many times that I can't figure out how not to do it over his death?
No. You don't.
Maybe if you listened, you would know.
Total Comments 8
Comments
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Posted 03-08-2009 at 08:45 AM by ANGELINA243
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Thank you Jason.Posted 03-09-2009 at 12:58 PM by ananda -
Oh Jason,I wish there was something that would be the right thing to say.There just isnt .I hope that you could get some therapy so you know YOU DONT DESERVE ANY OF THIS.My hope for you is that you keep your sobriety and live a good life in spite of your childhood.Im in your cornerPosted 03-09-2009 at 02:27 PM by tbeit -
Jason, I really wish I could help or do something for you. No kid should have to go through what you are going through. Please know that there are tons of people here who really care about you and your well being.Posted 03-10-2009 at 01:28 AM by hopefully tryin -
:ghug :ghugPosted 03-10-2009 at 07:46 AM by Freedom1990 -
Jason,
I have been worried about you so I came over to find out how your doing. I'm sorry things are not going better with your mother Jason, keep trying to talk to her even if you need to get upset with her just do it. She needs to hear what is going on with you weather she likes it or not. Just hang in there Jason. Thinking about you, (((hugs))) JuliePosted 03-10-2009 at 12:02 PM by MyJoey -
Jason, I have been thinking & praying for you. Came over here to see what was inside your head. I have to say your thoughts have brought tears to this mothers eyes. I'm so sorry she hasn't or won't listen to you. All I can say it to keep trying, because I feel that your anger & hurt are just eating you up inside. Hugs, ChrisPosted 03-10-2009 at 01:23 PM by Serenity Bound -
Hey Jason, I read your blogs, and although you have been through so much in your 17 years on the planet, with an emotionally absent mom, and an addict father who has lost his life to the disease of addiction, one thing I do know is that you will be a better man for all of it. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. You will put your childhood behind you one day when you are capable. You need to grieve and move on, and I believe that your intelligent enough to do so. I went through the same hell as a child. My mom was an addict, and my father was gone. I turned out to be alright. I have the ability to love, and understand others. I have compassion, and without the horrible childhood that I had, I don't know I would have be able to be who I am today. You write so well. You should consider journalism in school. Strive and Succeed. From a woman who is probably older than your mom. And would never turn you away if you needed to talk, Your friend, Angel
Posted 03-12-2009 at 03:54 PM by Angelic17
