http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 03:14:24 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/2686-recovery-addiction-essay-two-all-cool-kids-doing.html Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:47:19 GMT Recovery and Addiction Mini-Essay Two:

"All the Cool Kids are Doing it!"

These seven little words by themselves, alone, they mean less than nothing in the scheme of how the universe works. But, together these seven little words can be the harbinger of any number of horrible situations for whoever they are directed toward. When one thinks of these words often the image is of teenagers smoking pilfered cigarettes in the school restroom during skipped classes. Yet, no matter what age you are, we are, we all still have peers and the pressures of life, love and the desire for acceptance run deeper than the darkest, deepest ocean in each and every one of us. Whether you are fifteen or fifty we have an almost innate need to feel that others around us do more than merely tolerate our presence; that they actually enjoy our company. When you are, like I am, a recovering drug addict, all of stigmas aside, it can be very difficult re-learning how to interact with other human beings. Our "radars" have been jeopardized and we have fears and suspensions galore; "Does she really like me for me?" "Did he only talk to me because of the drugs?" "Will he still love me when I'm sober?" Any number of scenarios and queries will find their way into our minds when faced with the ordeal of being in a social setting, especially with old friends and family members. And those we knew when our addiction was activally, and ferociously pursuing us. When I think back on what the "cool kids" did and who and what they are now I cannot help but wonder where we, as a society, found our impression of what and who exactly defines "coolness". If it's "cool" to "get high" than does that mean that everything that comes afterward, by proxy, is to be considered "cool"? Is it "cool" to lose all of your money and your self-respect and the your life gambling for months on end on the off chance you will hit a "nice" doctor at the millionth emergency room visit in the unending quest for more drugs? Is it "cool" to forget your loved ones birthdays, anniversaries and/or all the promises you've made to them which you never intended to keep in the first place or doing recall making to begin with? Is it "cool" to never be able to wear short-sleeves for fear of people's reaction, the fear of the judgement in their eyes when they see the mistakes of your life and addiction left in undeniable marks of realness up and down the flesh of your limbs? Is it "cool" to be found face-down on the sofa of a place you've never been before? Can you make anyone believe that it's "cool" to have woken up in bed next to another complete stranger after a night of debauchery bought and paid for with the promise of another shady and all-too-fleeting "high"? And, finally, would you, could you, even have the audacity to suggest that there would even be the smallest amount of "coolness" in the death of yourself, a loved one or even someone you've never even met before, due to following those seven deadly little words, "All the cool kids are doing it", clear through to their conclusion.

~End~ ]]> Skayda http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/2686-recovery-addiction-essay-two-all-cool-kids-doing.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/2685-recovery-addiction-essay-one-self-medicating.html Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:21:37 GMT Here's my first mini-essay on addiction and recovery:

"Self-Medicating"

Ever since I was very young there's almost always been, in my life, a form of self-medicating. Whether it came in the form of a flintstone vitamin doled out with excitement once a day or a piece of chocolate with the promise that whatever hurts today wouldn't tomorrow. You see, I grew up believing that if something is wrong or aches, even mildly, emotionally, mentally or physically, that we must take something, eat something or place something over it and rid ourselves of any and all negative feelings at all cost. The unspoken motto of our family for generations past has always been; "It's better to be numb than in pain". So, it should come as no surprise whatsoever that painkillers were popped like the aforementioned flintstone vitamins around my house both as a teenager and a young adult. Oh, at first I was taking them, after having been clean for several years, as prescribed by a doctor for a very bad case of re-curring kidney stones. But, soon I came to realize how they affected other aspects of my physical and emotional being. The favoured numbness was easier to achieve, life was much easier, so it seemed at the time, to handle and the depression and mania due to my being bi-polar seemed like less to deal with under a blanket of narcotic bliss. Life seemed a breeze while I was under that blanket. I had to come down a long and winding pathway in order to finally reach the end of the forest and see the trees for what they really were. It took awhile before I could really understand that that blanket of seeming narcotic bliss was not the warm and comforting in it's steady numbness but thick, scratchy and suffocatingly claustrophobic. If I would have stayed submerged within the seductive folds of the narcotic blanket I have no doubt that it would have eventually have become my death shroud. I hope that whoever is reading this understanding metaphors,(even mixed ones such as these), but, if not, I will lay this on you in more simpler terms: Addiction sucks and self-medicating is no way to go about dealing with your hurts. If I did not seek help when I did to change my life for the better I would be looking down on you from the afterlife instead of sitting somewhere on earth, very much alive, wondering who is now reading these words. God bless you for every thing you've been through and everything you will soon be accomplishing on your own journey of recovery. I plan on never again allowing that evil blanket to touch my being; either physically, emotionally or mentally.

End.


Sorry, I know it's a bit on the rambling side. ]]> Skayda http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/2685-recovery-addiction-essay-one-self-medicating.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/1896-another-step-right-direction-hives-continued-post.html Fri, 27 Feb 2009 13:13:54 GMT (Continued from http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ion-hives.html)

...I've been...going from a "any kind of painkiller I can get my hands on" to "friend-given Methadone as much as I can handle over the past few years" to more pain pills, etc, etc...not to mention fentynal patches I got here and there as well...all over a period of ten or so years...(not to mention the numerous times of trying to quite the "ole willpower" way), to absolutely nothing almost cold turkey but for the Clonidine and hives-inducing Buspar and a few tokes of weed....to that first time I heard about the Suboxone program and put my name on the waiting list....that first step into the Clinic on "Induction Day" can feel very similar to a Judge handing out a reprieve on the day of your death sentence.

My nurse was very nice. She lead me to the small patient room and had me sit on the gurney-bed to take my vitals and ask how I as feeling. Then, she checked my pupils, took my pulse and explained how things would progress from here on out.

I told her the truth, that I was feeling very, very ill and she said that I would feel better very soon. Then she sent the Doctor in, who asked me the same and spent about ten to fifteen minutes explaining to me about the importance of "baby steps" and "infant-becoming-adult-due-to-parental-love" and "slow-turtle-day-by-day" etc, etc. As much as I enjoy his talks the way I was feeling at that moment, I really could do nothing but now absently and hope he wouldn't know I was hardly paying attention. I just wanted to feel better!

The Doctor told me he would write me a prescription for four days worth of Suboxone. I got the 'script from the nurse and saw that he had written for thirty-two 2 milligram Suboxone pills. My nurse and I walked to the in-clinic pharmacy and the Pharmacist on duty asked the standard; "Are we waiting for this?" to which my nurse replied; "We sure are. That's Suboxone, baby!" That made me laugh...in spite of my crappy feeling. It was like nurse was more excited to get me feeling better that I even was!

The nurse led me to a little room they keep just for Suboxone patients. It had a cute little wooden daybed covered by a pretty hand-made quilt, a rather flat pillow and itchy-looking sleets, a pleather lay-z-boy recliner, a small fridge and a television set with a dvd player and remotes on a small desk. I was told I could store my food in the fridge and use the t.v. and dvd player to watch whatever dvds I'd brought with me.

I popped in one of the "Buffy" dvds my sister had loaned me and watched an episode, not really concentrating on it. My mind was on when was the nurse going to be back with my filled prescription?!

Nursey-saviour arrived about a half-hour later with a small bottle in her hands. She took out two peach-colored octagon-shaped pills, one side that a sword scored on it, and instructed me to place them beneath my tongue and allow them dissolve there. She said I would probably begin to feel better after about a half-hour and really feel better an hour so so later. Each pill is 2 milligrams.

An hour went by and I still felt pretty bad. Another hour passed with little change. So, nursey gave me another two pills. I watched a few more episodes of Buffy and ate some of my first lunchable. My nurse brought me a bag of treats too and I ate a couple granola bars and a bag of fruit snacks and drank a bottle of kiwi-strawberry bottle of carbonated water she also gave me. I wasn't allowed caffeinated soda drinks.

After about another hour and fifteen minutes or so, I began to notice that the withdrawals were going away...actually, they were more than going away...I was feeling very, very good. I know that a lot of people say they don't feel high when they take Suboxone, but for me, yes, I did indeed feel high. It felt like a very strong dose of oxycontin. I don't believe it will be like that every time, though, as my dose is fine-tuned and I get used to it...it will be enough to stop the cravings to use and keep the withdrawals in check.

I'm sure I'll still get a little buzz with dosing but, as I said, that's basically to keep me from wanting to go out and get other opiates. The standard thing is...if they find other opiates in your UA when you are on Suboxone it means they need to up your dosage.

The nurse gave me one more pill that afternoon making my induction dose ten milligrams that day. She gave me instructions that I could take two more that night if I felt I needed them and the next day, depending on how I felt, I could take between six to eight pills through-out the day. She said that 16 milligrams is probably a good daily dose for me, but I can tell you all right now that probably ten or even a little lower would be even better.

I go back to the Clinic on Monday for a follow-up and that is when I will tell the Doctor and the nurse my experience and at what level my comfort zone is at Suboxone dose-wise. As they told me time and again; everyone is different and everyone's body reacts to dosing differently. What may be a very low dose for one person may be just right or even too high for another, so however MY body feels is the RIGHT way.

I have counseling tomorrow morning, actually this morning, and I am eager to get back to it as I've been absent from group, (normally I go Tuesdays and Fridays, not to mention the N.A. support groups I go to two or three times a week), for the past three weeks since dealing with the surgery and my hospital stay and then the days I was out of commission withdrawing in order to start the Suboxone program.

I have a very busy life scheduled up for myself over the next seven months or so, but those months are going to be well-spent on the care and nurturing of my new life...my new self. I know that there may well be setbacks and bumps in the road, but I will maneuver around or over them as I come to them and I will never allow a temporary setback to become a full-fledged failure.

I know there are still things I still need to deal with. The fact that I haven't really mourned the loss my little brother fully yet since he passed in December 2009 is still waiting on the back-burner of my emotions until it's time for the cook to turn the heat up past medium heat to a slow simmer...I'm not yet ready or willing, perhaps, for the the full-on boil of that particular pot. My sister and I talked about it and we both agree that everyone grieves in his or her own time and that my slowness doesn't mean I didn't love my brother anymore than those in our family who broke down sobbing for days right after being told.

I believe that as I get my life slowly in hand, that that's when I will be able to deal with full-on grief but not before. I don't feel guilty about it because my brother is in a much better place and he can wait for my sadness and tears as long as need be.

At any rate...

My goal is to have a healthy, perpetually healing, sometimes up, sometimes down, day-by-day present which will eventually lead to a wonderful, happy, rich and loved future for my new self.

My best wishes for anyone else going through the hardships, trials and tribulations of addiction and recovery and loss and regrowth...May God and/or your Higher Power bless you all!

~Ami

:c009:
:praying ]]> Skayda http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/1896-another-step-right-direction-hives-continued-post.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/1895-another-step-right-direction-hives.html Fri, 27 Feb 2009 13:11:31 GMT Yesterday, February 26th, was my Suboxone induction day. My care team; doctor, nurses, social worker, counselor, etc and I have all been working diligently over the past few months towards this day. ... Yesterday, February 26th, was my Suboxone induction day. My care team; doctor, nurses, social worker, counselor, etc and I have all been working diligently over the past few months towards this day.

My Doctor, a very nice, extremely talkative Eastern Indian man whose lectures are prone towards the odd allegory and disjointed yet well-meaning rambling, spoke with me at length about what I can expect from the program and suggested I begin keeping a diary to document the transition from "hurt, sad, actively-addicted self" to "brand-new infant-like getting-well self" and that my success or failure in the program will reflect his success or failure as a Doctor.

According to Doctor, I am now like a newly-hatched-from-the-cocoon butterfly; ready for a shining new world, or a slow and steady turtle; taking one step at a time...slow and steady, day by day, wins the race.

I arrived at the office at eight in the morning for my eight fifteen appointment. As per requested I brought along something to eat, (two small Lunchables), and a DVD to watch. My sister loaned me the seventh season of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer". I also brought the current book I've been reading; "72 Hour Hold" by Bebe Campbell. A very enthralling, engrossing story of a mother dealing with her adult daughter's out-of-control mental illness.

Let me tell you right off that the steps leading up to getting your first dose of Suboxone is no cake ride. I had had to have surgery a week before due to a hole appearing in my colon and was hooked up to a hydromorphone, (Dilaudid), pump for two weeks in the hospital and after that, I was on 7.5 milligrams, which soon became 10 milligrams of Hydrocodone, about eight to ten pills a day. I had to stop taking anything related to opiates two days before my Suboxone induction date, so you can imagine how difficult this was. I had all the typical withdrawal symptoms. The worse for me is always the "restless-body" inkiness.

I took my last dose of Hydrocodone on Monday afternoon. Which was about ten of the ten milligram hydrocodones. Tuesday was difficult, but I took a few Clonidine the Doctor had prescribed me along with 15 milligrams of Buspar and slept pretty much the entire day and night. I so hate taking anything that makes me sleepy, like Benedryl or Tylenol P.M. or anything sleep-inducing. It's different with an opiate. Opiates don't cause me to want to sleep, rather the opposite. Anyway, I stayed with my Sister so she could help keep an eye on me and keep on the "straight and narrow" so to speak.

I mentioned taking Buspar. My Doctor prescribed them to me for anxiety and gave a prescription for 120 15 milligram tri-scored tablets. Well, wouldn't you know it, it turns out that I am allergic to the little devils. I was suppose to take four pills a day. But, the nurse told me to start out on ONE a day since they are strong to see how I did.

Well, I took 5mgs of Buspar on Friday, another 5mgs that same night, and then a ten milligrams on Saturday, another ten later that night, finally working my way up to the full 15 milligrams a day by Sunday. I took another dose of 15 milligrams of Buspar on Monday and later that evening I noticed itchy red bumps on the backs of my hands. The itchy red bumps looked like bug bites and quickly spread to my torso, arms, legs, shoulders and back. I took some of my sister's night-time cold relief liquid medication which contained an antihistamine and the weals subsided and went away for a few hours. They came back in full force a few hours later, though. It's now going on Friday morning and the hives haven't gone completely away.

I took a Claratin tablet around midnight or so hoping it would do the trick. I am not allowed more than one tablet per 24 period. I am hoping that maybe by the time I have to go to my group session at nine a.m. the little fuckers will have been evicted. I am sorry to say that they've begun to appear along my neck, jawline and chin now. I can handle hives on my body because they're easy enough to hide with long-sleeves, high-neckline and pants. But on the face?! Come on!

After they've gone away the raised bumps aren't raised any more and look like splotches of red. My boyfriend said they look like burns. They itch like crazy and everytime a patch goes away it seems like another bunch are just waiting around the corner to pop up.

I'm willing to bet that I probably still have some the Buspar in my system and as soon as it is all out the hives will begin to disappear for good. I really, really don't want to have to take Benedryl or any of the "might-cause-drowsiness" antihistamines so I'll continue with the Claratin as the Pharmacist on duty where I bought them said it was good for hives until either the hives are gone or the medication is. I have enough for ten daily doses.

I realize I've digressed quite a bit...

The second day sober from opiates was even harder, I think, mostly due to the fact that I keep envisioning the nearby Hospital Emergency Room which was only a few blocks away and how easy it would be to go there and scam a few pills or a script from one of the Doctors there.

I took it hour by hour and kept telling myself that all this pain will be worth it if I just stick it out a "few more hours". I tell you, that song from "Annie" "Tomorrow" kept playing like a mantra over and over in my head. With alternate lyrics of course; "Suboxone....you're only a daaaay away...!" etc, etc. Trying to keep my sense of humor helped a lot, too.

During a particularly rough time my sister offered me a bit of her husband's marijuana. Now, normally, I can't stand the stuff, but she said that it sometimes helps with opiate withdrawals so I took a couple small hits. I don't even think I fully inhaled because I never liked the way it burns my throat, hurts my eyes and the way it makes my world feel topsy-turvy. It didn't really help much and I just ended up going back to bed and sleeping until it was nearly time to get up and go to the Doctor's on Thursday morning.

That morning, when I was dropped off, I felt like I'd crawled through broken glass and ruins and war and Hell on my hands and knees in the darkness and that those Clinic doors were the doors into Heaven itself and the Doctor was God and the nurses were all of his Heavenly host of Angels. Believe me, if you've been were....

(Continued in Next Blog Post) ]]> Skayda http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/skayda/1895-another-step-right-direction-hives.html