One day at a time
Posted 04-07-2008 at 03:09 PM by Serenity8
I try to remember that one day at a time doesn't mean acting like there is no tomorrow, but just that I need to be the best, most productive person I can be today.
I go through the motions like everything is ok, but really I want to bury myself under my covers and sleep for a week straight. I just try to act like everything is ok for the kids' sake. I hate this feeling of limbo, I really REALLY need to find the time to finish the divorce paperwork.
I can't believe my husband thinks everything is ok because he acts like a normal human being once in a while. Yesterday we took the kids to an amusement park; I wanted to get our season passes activated so he can take them by himself sometimes. See? I'm still trying to control his relationship with them, since he does well when he goes on "outings" with them but falls asleep when he is home. Anyway, there was a time in the not-so-distant past that those outings gave ME comfort since I could pretend for a few hours that everything is ok. Well, I can't anymore. For the first time I realized that I just want to be alone with my kids ALL the time, I don't want to try to act like we are one big happy family on the weekends. They slept like hell the night before and AH kept coming upstairs to yell everytime DD2 cried - like THAT was going to help. And the 3 of us were all snuggling in my bed and even though DD2 was crying at times, I loved having them both snuggling with me in the middle of the night.
So here I sit... with my one daughter watching a movie, the other one playing play-doh and for 5 minutes I type what has been swirling around my head all day. They interrupted me 4 times since I started, such is motherhood. Such is the reason I haven't been able to focus on finishing that paperwork.
I need to stop being so hard on myself, I guess. But I also need to stop making excuses and get the ball rolling to file for divorce.
I go through the motions like everything is ok, but really I want to bury myself under my covers and sleep for a week straight. I just try to act like everything is ok for the kids' sake. I hate this feeling of limbo, I really REALLY need to find the time to finish the divorce paperwork.
I can't believe my husband thinks everything is ok because he acts like a normal human being once in a while. Yesterday we took the kids to an amusement park; I wanted to get our season passes activated so he can take them by himself sometimes. See? I'm still trying to control his relationship with them, since he does well when he goes on "outings" with them but falls asleep when he is home. Anyway, there was a time in the not-so-distant past that those outings gave ME comfort since I could pretend for a few hours that everything is ok. Well, I can't anymore. For the first time I realized that I just want to be alone with my kids ALL the time, I don't want to try to act like we are one big happy family on the weekends. They slept like hell the night before and AH kept coming upstairs to yell everytime DD2 cried - like THAT was going to help. And the 3 of us were all snuggling in my bed and even though DD2 was crying at times, I loved having them both snuggling with me in the middle of the night.
So here I sit... with my one daughter watching a movie, the other one playing play-doh and for 5 minutes I type what has been swirling around my head all day. They interrupted me 4 times since I started, such is motherhood. Such is the reason I haven't been able to focus on finishing that paperwork.
I need to stop being so hard on myself, I guess. But I also need to stop making excuses and get the ball rolling to file for divorce.
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