One day at a time? One BREATH at a time...

Trying to stay focused on what I need to do, which is finish filling out the paperwork for my divorce lawyer. It's been a rough week since my 3 y.o. had surgery last week and is still recovering. I'm up a lot with her at night so it's kind of like having a newborn again. It's amazing how everything seems so.much.harder. when we are sleep deprived.

I saw my therapist today; she is new and it's my second time seeing her. She asked me what my husband could do to repair what's been done and get me to stay in the marriage and I thought long and hard and realized that there isn't anything he can do at this point. It's gone on too long. I realize I am still trying to control him because I want him to be a better parent to our kids, but I need to pray to my higher power and turn it over. Part of THEIR journey is having him for a father. They have things to learn too and even though they are only 5 and 3, I'll just have to pray and turn it over. I'm scared because he can be so convincing at times, and he'll convince a judge that he is completely fine and my kids will have unsupervised visits with him when he's still not in recovery and sleeping all day. I don't think he would ever intentionally hurt them, but I do think that they could be put in danger by his neglect. This is what keeps me up nights and makes me procrastinate, but again I just have to document what I have and pray pray pray. Having them live in this dysfunctional life with the two of us isn't doing them any favors, either.

What a reality check it was today when I asked him if he wanted to attend a father/daughter function with our older daughter and responded that he was disgusting and would embarrass her. And thanks to al-anon I didn't get angry, I held his hand and told him she adored him and he'd NEVER embarrass her. But he still doesn't want to go.

I just need to keep breathing... don't forget to breath. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.