I need to not blog only when I'm sad but...
Posted 09-08-2008 at 08:50 AM by SelfSeeking
I guess I'm hesitant to go to the normal threads when I'm feeling my worst. I don't want to whine all the time. I'm really tired of myself, so I can't imagine how other people must feel.
I went to AA meetings yesterday and tomorrow. Yesterday was the best... I felt so good after I left and got coffee with another member. It was a smaller meeting and the physical setup was comfortable. It felt safe, I guess. The meeting today put me more and more on edge. It was quite a bit bigger, it was in a building on my school campus, and the doors were huge and wide open to the outside. I could see students walking past and I felt so pathetic, just sitting there trying not to think about drinking. People moved around a LOT, getting up, sitting down, walking out, walking back in, throwing stuff away, shifting, dropping coffee cups, fiddling, whispering to their neighbors. I started to feel like screaming. Afterwards was better, I talked with a couple of women my own age and smoked a couple of cigs.. got my nerves basically under control. But It's a couple hours later and I still feel unsettled. There's a knot in my stomach. I just can't stand myself at times like this... feeling lots of self-loathing. I am a failure. I am in a coffee shop and can't focus on my school work. I just want to cry. Everything hurts right now.
I went to AA meetings yesterday and tomorrow. Yesterday was the best... I felt so good after I left and got coffee with another member. It was a smaller meeting and the physical setup was comfortable. It felt safe, I guess. The meeting today put me more and more on edge. It was quite a bit bigger, it was in a building on my school campus, and the doors were huge and wide open to the outside. I could see students walking past and I felt so pathetic, just sitting there trying not to think about drinking. People moved around a LOT, getting up, sitting down, walking out, walking back in, throwing stuff away, shifting, dropping coffee cups, fiddling, whispering to their neighbors. I started to feel like screaming. Afterwards was better, I talked with a couple of women my own age and smoked a couple of cigs.. got my nerves basically under control. But It's a couple hours later and I still feel unsettled. There's a knot in my stomach. I just can't stand myself at times like this... feeling lots of self-loathing. I am a failure. I am in a coffee shop and can't focus on my school work. I just want to cry. Everything hurts right now.
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Comments
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((((SELEFSEEKING)))) Crummy grey, inside days suck. Sorry you felt this way, but I am sure some meetings will meet your needs better then others. I am glad you here on SR and that you shared this. You are a good person. Can tell from your posts. Don't ever feel you can't share because you aren't in a good mood and come off as whining because those are the times when it may be dire that you share. When you feel alone or like a loner are the times to share with AA or with us. I'm not in AA this time, but I have seen it work for quite a few people.Posted 09-14-2008 at 07:22 AM by Horselover
