My username
Posted 06-13-2009 at 08:26 AM by ruletheworld
My user name, ruletheworld, is a reference to how I felt the first time I got drunk. I was 17 and with some friends who had brought over a bottle of cheap whiskey. When I was asked how I felt, I stopped what I was doing and gave the steadfast proclamation, "I feel like I could rule the world!".
And I really did. I honestly felt like I had discovered the wonder drug. This was the answer to all my problems. All my social awkwardness, all my insecurities were washed down the drain after I had my first drink. From that day forward I decided that I was going to be an alcoholic. I just didn't realize the dire consequences of that decision.
As the years went by I used the same battle cry. "Fellas - I am now entering world ruling status", I would say. I was Mister Good Times. I was the guy that never stopped. You wanted to have a memorable evening? Gimme a call. Going out for a couple of beers wasn't in my vocabulary. Going out for 12 beers? It's a start. I never drank in moderation. Couldn't do it; didn't see the point. I always drank until I passed out, blacked out, or puked. (or all of the above)
There reached a point though where all this alcoholic debauchery, ceased to be just a funny story, and became - dare I say, pitiful. Instead of being the guy that everybody wanted to drink with I became the guy that people would whisper about behind my back. Before I realized it, I was the problem and not the ruler of the world.
I retreated to my home; deciding to do all my world ruling in private - bothering my wife and kids instead. Forced to hide my problem, but never truly admitting that I had one. "I'm just having a good time" I would tell myself, as I hid a vodka bottle above the ceiling tiles. I saw myself as a romantic, sacrificing my life for my craft. The craft of drinking. But no matter how I spun it, there was just one word that described it all - pitiful. This one time ruler of the world had been reduced to a shaky, red-faced, sweaty mess - on the verge of total collapse.
I don't know what finally did it. I have no fantastic "bottom story". I never woke up halfway across the country, naked in a dumpster. I just woke up one morning, looked at my mess of a self in the mirror and said, "Get a hold of yourself". That's all it took. I had many people telling me pretty much the same thing, but I never listened. But when the ruler of the world (me) finally spoke, I listened.
Over six months later and I am still listening. I am thankful for my sobriety. I don't know exactly why I got sober, I just know that I did. A new chapter in my life has begun. Now I have to convince myself that I can still rule the world - just without the "magic elixir" that I thought I needed.
And I really did. I honestly felt like I had discovered the wonder drug. This was the answer to all my problems. All my social awkwardness, all my insecurities were washed down the drain after I had my first drink. From that day forward I decided that I was going to be an alcoholic. I just didn't realize the dire consequences of that decision.
As the years went by I used the same battle cry. "Fellas - I am now entering world ruling status", I would say. I was Mister Good Times. I was the guy that never stopped. You wanted to have a memorable evening? Gimme a call. Going out for a couple of beers wasn't in my vocabulary. Going out for 12 beers? It's a start. I never drank in moderation. Couldn't do it; didn't see the point. I always drank until I passed out, blacked out, or puked. (or all of the above)
There reached a point though where all this alcoholic debauchery, ceased to be just a funny story, and became - dare I say, pitiful. Instead of being the guy that everybody wanted to drink with I became the guy that people would whisper about behind my back. Before I realized it, I was the problem and not the ruler of the world.
I retreated to my home; deciding to do all my world ruling in private - bothering my wife and kids instead. Forced to hide my problem, but never truly admitting that I had one. "I'm just having a good time" I would tell myself, as I hid a vodka bottle above the ceiling tiles. I saw myself as a romantic, sacrificing my life for my craft. The craft of drinking. But no matter how I spun it, there was just one word that described it all - pitiful. This one time ruler of the world had been reduced to a shaky, red-faced, sweaty mess - on the verge of total collapse.
I don't know what finally did it. I have no fantastic "bottom story". I never woke up halfway across the country, naked in a dumpster. I just woke up one morning, looked at my mess of a self in the mirror and said, "Get a hold of yourself". That's all it took. I had many people telling me pretty much the same thing, but I never listened. But when the ruler of the world (me) finally spoke, I listened.
Over six months later and I am still listening. I am thankful for my sobriety. I don't know exactly why I got sober, I just know that I did. A new chapter in my life has begun. Now I have to convince myself that I can still rule the world - just without the "magic elixir" that I thought I needed.
Total Comments 0
