http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 05:11:34 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/2324-my-friend-addict-i-think.html Sat, 11 Jul 2009 22:32:09 GMT I've reposted this from a thread I started because I want to remember my feelings about this later on down the road...



I've tried to talk to her about it, but she really doesn't want to hear it. She hurt her back in a car accident and started taking Vicodin, but it seems she was taking stuff before that, but that was when she actually had the pills prescribed for her. Before it was always one of her parents giving her something for a muscle she pulled or her sister giving her stuff.

Percoset, Vicodin, something called Flexerol... She takes it like it's candy. She makes jokes about how good she feels on it. Anyway, she finally had back surgery and she, along with the docs and others who have had the surgery, said it's almost immediate the feeling of relief of the pain.

Then within a month at least, she started taking the vicodin again. Now she complains about this horrible pain and she lost her job. She said it was unfair, but I know she was calling off a LOT. So then her sister started giving her Vicodin (that was prescribed to her for something... I don't know what) every time my friend would do her a favor.

Recently, one of her friends went to the doctor, got a prescription for Vicodin and never filled it. My friend told her how much pain she was in, gave her the cash for it and her friend filled it and gave her the bottle.

Not too long ago, she gave me a couple aspirin for a headache and then joked a couple of weeks later that she'd given me a Percoset instead. I knew I was acting really crazy, but I thought I was just hyper or something. I'm so angry now that I know the truth.

I've talked to her, but she always laughs it off and she has very little money but she's always buying things for me and the kids, which we appreciate, but sometimes she holds it over our heads. Now I just say thank you and let her know how much I appreciate her and then I don't feel any guilt.

She texts me even though I've told her I can't get texts because it costs me extra money. She doesn't seem to care.

She tries to get me to come over constantly and I have two children. I work a lot so I try to spend all my time with them, but she tries to make me feel guilty for not spending more time with her. I love her. She's been my best friend since I was my daughter's age, but this hurts.

I stand my ground and see her when I can, but not just because she wants me to. I don't worry about what is happening in her life because of the vicodin. It's her life and she has a husband to deal with the fallout from her maybe addiction. I have enough to deal with.

So today she wanted me to go garage sale hunting with her. I'm busy getting my daughter ready for camp. I can't spend hours at a time going to search for bargains on stuff neither one of us needs. So on a social Web site she puts up this message and says something to the effect of how nobody wants to be near her so she's just going to turn off her phone and lock the doors and isolate herself more.

I was going to put something up that says I no longer respond to emotional manipulation, but then I thought, "Duh... THAT would be a response." So I'm not doing anything.

I know I'm supposed to worry about me and not expect things, but it really hurts to see this happening to her and I so want to full on interfere, but I'm not. But I don't want to turn a blind eye and make it easier for her not to get better either. It's a fine line and I'm not sure what to do. With my mom I screwed things up because I tried to control everything and make things better. With my friend I'm trying to stay out of it completely. Is there a middle ground? ]]> riaerif http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/2324-my-friend-addict-i-think.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/2287-crap-its-july-i-hate-july.html Mon, 06 Jul 2009 03:24:29 GMT I hate July. It's the beginning of July and it's the end of July that sends me into fits.

I wish I could share here why I hate July, but it's not relevant to addiction so I suppose not.

Although I have my own addictions I fight all the time. I've actually had trouble with them lately, but I'm still trying.

Either way, I'm freaking out. I'm trying to get better, but at the same time... it's July.

It's the first July since having it all thrown in my face and revealed to so many people I don't know.

It's mine, you know? Like, I controlled it. I knew who knew and I knew how much and I knew all of it. I had complete control. It kept me sane.

But today I looked at the calendar in the kitchen and it's July and I have no idea who knows why I hate July and it's going to drive me insane this year.

I remember the first year my husband was here. I remember when it was only the first July I had to deal with.

He found me on the couch sobbing and begging him to tell me why people were sleeping while I was dealing with so much crap and how so many people were sleeping at night and how do people sleep at night when horrible things are going on in the world and... yeah, so I was rambling. I guess that's obvious.

And here I am. I came so far... I thought.

Recently someone called me out on not dealing with my issues but burying them. I CAN'T go back to what I was before. I can't. My family can't survive it, but sh*t... I really want to do the stuff that makes everything better.

I shouldn't want that, but here I am, weak as ever. ]]> riaerif http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/2287-crap-its-july-i-hate-july.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/2279-independence-day-my-own.html Sun, 05 Jul 2009 05:58:50 GMT I posted this in the Friends and Family forum, but I'm so freakin' proud (is that bad?) that I had to post it here, too. :)

Okay, so there was stuff going on today and I wanted to talk to my mom about looking at the Step 1 stuff and how I'd learned I had a lot of work to do and I wanted to talk with her about it so she'd be proud of me and see that I'm awesome and all and guess what????

I kept my mouth shut! Woot woot me!!!!!!!!!!

This is my journey. Not hers. This is me trying to get better. I mean... good luck to her and all with her meetings but there's no way in hell I'm letting her in anymore. I've let her crap taint my life for way too long and yeah, maybe in my mind she would have been thrilled and told me how proud she was of me and how much she hopes I can forgive her for being so frikkin' self-centered and full of poo for more than half of my life. But it's a fantasy.

She's an addict. Recovering, yeah, but she's still an addict and she IS selfish because... well that goes hand in hand. Just because she quit the drugs doesn't make her not selfish. Trying to get better does, though, and I sincerely hope she's doing that and not just blowing smoke to look good to people like she does so much of the time.

So there I was, on the verge of saying something and I knew what I wanted was not fair to her or me and I knew it was all about these expectations that I'm not supposed to have and then it was all yay because I didn't let her in on it because she has no place in it.

I'm screwed up, not because of what she did so much as what I did to survive it. I became someone I don't like. I became the ying to her yang and her yang is really screwed up.

So maybe this isn't a big deal, but it feels that way to me. I'm still not sure I want her in my life at all, but I do know that I want her drama out of it.

I just pray I can stick this out because I know this is a tiny itty bitty step in this very long process that I've been looking for.

I think back to when I first stopped in and fussed at all of you more than a year ago and it's scary how far I have NOT come from that time.

But... anyway, I'm off to bed and just had to share with you that I'm not sharing anything with HER. This is about me and it's so nice that something finally is. ]]> riaerif http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/2279-independence-day-my-own.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/2275-peaceful-day-taking-next-step.html Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:05:21 GMT Yesterday, I had a peaceful day. I woke up and went to a movie with my friend, daughter and husband. Then my daughter went to her dad's for the weekend. My husband and I picked up our son and went home and while mom was on one side of the house, we sat on the other.

My son was playing and having a great time going back and forth and my husband and I just shared with each other and laughed and really enjoyed each others' company.

I didn't sabotage anything. We just had fun. Then mom had to go somewhere so we had to get up and move the car. :tapping

But I just shrugged it off and moved my legs so my husband could take care of it. I didn't get upset. I just took a deep breath and chilled.

When mom returned we had a pleasant conversation and went to Grandma's to watch fireworks and had a cookout and everything. And we got along.

The difference? I didn't care this time. I didn't want or need her so nothing she could do could touch me or hurt me. For once I felt safe being around her and for once I knew she couldn't disappoint me because I don't want or need a thing from her.

Why have I wasted so much time getting her to be the mother I've needed? Why does her approval mean anything to me? I'm so hung up on what my relationship with my mother says about me, I'm forgetting to look at the good relationship I can maintain with my husband and children.

It's scary and new and part of me still doesn't know how to handle things in the future, but if I can stick to the idea of one day at a time I can maybe heal from my mother's addiction to drugs and my addiction to trying to save her from them. ]]> riaerif http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/2275-peaceful-day-taking-next-step.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/2268-hate-not-hate.html Fri, 03 Jul 2009 01:30:02 GMT It's quite possible I hate my mother.

This site showed up again just in time. One of my friends came over and said there was a site I might need and tried to sign me up for it. Of course, once I saw what site she was trying to get me on, I told her never mind about the new account because I already had one.

She was shocked because I'm SO screwed up. :c033:

Granted, she's right.

So I posted a few things and now she's left and I can look into things a bit more.

I found this blog and thought it might be nice to start posting.

So here's day 1: I think I hate my mother.

What else is there to say? ]]> riaerif http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/riaerif/2268-hate-not-hate.html