Went to the doctor today. Told her the Truth about me being an addict. She was very nice. I've been taking a sh*tload of benadryl/typm's to try to sleep but only get spasms. I stopped that cr@p, didn't drink, didn't score anything. I believe I did the right thing by being honest. So I get two prescriptions for some antihistamine and some melatonin like substance. 178$!!!! I told mom, "You know this is more expensive than dope on the f*cking street". I behaved like a complete pr*ck, like...

Blow 8grand of parents cash
Blow thru 200-250mgs of oxy a day
Get on hands and knees with gloves on and not leave any prints to steal the cash
Get on your hands and knees searching for the last foils to smoke
Don't give up your dealers
Give up everything else
Confess while high
Have a family who is willing to forgive but not without consequences
Have a fam who aren't codies
Worry about how you're gonna get around with no car
WAKE...

So I have hit the "magical" 25-35 vicodin a day mark. The one that I never thought I could ever reach, which I was NOT trying to. Hopeless can't even begin to f*cking describe the fear of my d.o.c. not having an effect at all. Snorting oc80 and roxies and percs and......nothing, absolutely nothing at all. I ain't blogging here to talk about usage, but I am for me (if i dont end up elsewhere) so that sometime in the future, if possible, I can say "Yeah stealing thousands of dollars...

"I was holding on to being alive the way you would hold on to a straw you could breath through, lying at the bottom of deep water. And that water opaque, you can't see through to the surface." - Joyce Carol Oates

I zip up the cocoon of tingly warmth. I insulate myself, push the world away. The addict smiles and says in a whisper "Welcome home, Ben. I have been waiting."