My a$$ finally realized my relapses weren't relapses- they were just binges. I know now that I have a choice and that I can try. That I will and not alone either. Thank you SR.

So I finally relapsed because I was never intending to truly follow through with sobriety. For awhile, I thought that without dope, any dope, in my system things would get better. Obviously, I was totally missing the point on staying clean- dealing with life on life's terms without substances coursing through my veins. I realized for the first time that my lifestyle is one of havoc and disdain. I see a break in the clouds now. I am finally realizing the behaviours I thought I would overcome...

I shouldn't. I don't even know why I am. Yeah, it's the self pity whoa is me sh*t. I'm blogging while waiting for a phone call so I can score some morph. Got some klonopin and xanax coursing through my veins. Waiting,waiting....

Right now I should be at my niece's first birthday but I'm waiting and getting impatient. I waved to my mother as she drove by me the other day. She thought I was going fishing or to the store. I waved back and faked a smile. Mom, everything is all right....

So you sit there high on Xanax thinking of ways to get sober. Convincing yourself that at least the benzos aren't opiates or alky. Hey take another junky. But you're not a bad junkie, no just one with relapse after relapse. You think that this addict thing isn't that bad. Slurring and stumbling. Mumbling and your smiling. You know it isn't good. You know it isn't good to even blog here. Your sluggish mind and constant yawning prove you're high. Is this what you want? How many meetings have you gone...

Things that might lead someone to believe you can't handle alcohol and dope.

A rusty razorblade in the bathroom and you waking up in your vomit
Drinking a "man's" drink-bottle after bottle of hard liquor
Switching from Jack to Southern Comfort (black label your ego shouts) to vodka to finally Wild Turkey 101
Drinking just to add to the huge collection of empty bottles on your cupboards and then on the countertop and then all over the place
Smiling...