http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 06:53:25 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/3871-clean-but-frustrated.html Wed, 30 Jun 2010 23:40:07 GMT Went to the doctor today. Told her the Truth about me being an addict. She was very nice. I've been taking a sh*tload of benadryl/typm's to try to sleep but only get spasms. I stopped that cr@p, didn't drink, didn't score anything. I believe I did the right thing by being honest. So I get two prescriptions for some antihistamine and some melatonin like substance. 178$!!!! I told mom, "You know this is more expensive than dope on the f*cking street". I behaved like a complete pr*ck, like a whining baby. I am ashamed of myself. I apologized and she accepted. I just felt so alone about doing the right thing and getting f*cked over for it. By that I mean, I coulda got Ambien for 4$ if the Dr. had signed the papers but she said she wouldn't so tough luck dude. Learn from this lesson. Or go back to cryin like a b*tch and back to the grave..........Just hadta get that offa my chest...much better ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/3871-clean-but-frustrated.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/3834-time-grow-f-ck-up.html Fri, 25 Jun 2010 14:12:11 GMT Blow 8grand of parents cash Blow thru 200-250mgs of oxy a day Get on hands and knees with gloves on and not leave any prints to steal the cash Get on your hands and knees searching for the last... Blow 8grand of parents cash
Blow thru 200-250mgs of oxy a day
Get on hands and knees with gloves on and not leave any prints to steal the cash
Get on your hands and knees searching for the last foils to smoke
Don't give up your dealers
Give up everything else
Confess while high
Have a family who is willing to forgive but not without consequences
Have a fam who aren't codies
Worry about how you're gonna get around with no car
WAKE THE F*CK UP
You've been given a millionth chance
Not too many get that many
GO through wds, f*ck em, they weren't as bad as you thought
Hit those meetings
More importantly don't just go but BE IN the meetings
Start respecting those you disagree with
Get outta yourself with the help of others
Get your skinnyass frame back into the monster it used to be
Not because you feel the need to show off
But because you have to take care of it because all those years you beat the h*ll outta it
Make good friends
Hit the steps
Stop being an *******
Listen
Appreciate the birds and little rabbits and the autumn colors coming up
Go back to your HP, Ben
Or go back to that h*ll you thought you'd die for
"Love yourself some bro" - The Wire ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/3834-time-grow-f-ck-up.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/3456-impossible.html Sun, 02 May 2010 17:00:55 GMT So I have hit the "magical" 25-35 vicodin a day mark. The one that I never thought I could ever reach, which I was NOT trying to. Hopeless can't even begin to f*cking describe the fear of my d.o.c. not having an effect at all. Snorting oc80 and roxies and percs and......nothing, absolutely nothing at all. I ain't blogging here to talk about usage, but I am for me (if i dont end up elsewhere) so that sometime in the future, if possible, I can say "Yeah stealing thousands of dollars from your lower class parents' savings stash for dope that had no effect on ya was f*cking a okay. But hey, ya bought your moms and pops a new dinner set and took them out to eat. 'What a good son,' they said. And you keep your mouth shut about buying them dinner with their money. You keep your quivering lips from spilling out everything you need to let out. Excuse yourself and go to the kitchen and swallow some ritalin and E followed by some klonopins and alky." This is what you hate about yourself, the fact that you have become nothing more than an invisible leech sucking on hosts that are completely oblivious to your doings at the moment. ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/3456-impossible.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/3335-imitation-life.html Tue, 13 Apr 2010 17:33:34 GMT "I was holding on to being alive the way you would hold on to a straw you could breath through, lying at the bottom of deep water. And that water opaque, you can't see through to the surface." - Joyce Carol Oates ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/3335-imitation-life.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/3115-cocoon.html Sun, 07 Feb 2010 17:33:46 GMT I zip up the cocoon of tingly warmth. I insulate myself, push the world away. The addict smiles and says in a whisper "Welcome home, Ben. I have been waiting." ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/3115-cocoon.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2871-day-one.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:15:04 GMT My a$$ finally realized my relapses weren't relapses- they were just binges. I know now that I have a choice and that I can try. That I will and not alone either. Thank you SR. ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2871-day-one.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2858-starting-see-again.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 21:19:27 GMT So I finally relapsed because I was never intending to truly follow through with sobriety. For awhile, I thought that without dope, any dope, in my system things would get better. Obviously, I was... So I finally relapsed because I was never intending to truly follow through with sobriety. For awhile, I thought that without dope, any dope, in my system things would get better. Obviously, I was totally missing the point on staying clean- dealing with life on life's terms without substances coursing through my veins. I realized for the first time that my lifestyle is one of havoc and disdain. I see a break in the clouds now. I am finally realizing the behaviours I thought I would overcome by myself were just in the background waiting and getting stronger by the minute. Waiting to choke me to death. I flushed some pills and never, ever want to go back to that amphe. sh*t. Now, I need to deal with the opiates and benzos. Actually, check that, I need to follow through with living clean in my mind. Baby steps man, baby steps. I hated hearing that from people here, but I only hated hearing that because I knew it wasn't what I was doing. I was only "clean" when I ran out of dope.
I am thinking about doing something good for myself and those around me. Volunteering, trying to offer advice in a non-combative form for those around me who still use- in whatever form of drug it is and I must watch out for the savior syndrome and my ego.
This merry go round, self-destructive dance is getting too old and I am not the person I know I can be. I know I've said this before but since my eyes are starting to open(very slowly) to the fact that it is possible and definitely attainable to be who I need to be, I've starting thinking things through. Truth vs. feelings. I know those pills are bad but I want 'em but now I am discovering that the truth is that they'll OR I'll start the whole cycle over again.
Sick of stealing, of lying, of manipulating, of being afraid to meet others, of socializing but I need to face those irrational fears and just go out and f*cking do it. I think I am finally after years of saying I was relapsing, finally am honest enough with myself enough to see it wasn't relapse, it was just using-plain and simple. Now, it's time for me to just go out into the world with optimism ( a stranger in my mind) and smile when problems arise and to see how the newbie at recovery will handle the situations and learn from my reactions to them. I am only a failure when I choose not to find out who that stranger is- the one who pushed me to come to this site- the one who told me it's okay to hurt. The one who told me that the dope did nothing more than cover up the path I must take to understand my feelings and to be the Me I can be. Thanks everyone for being a shoulder to lean on. :thanks ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2858-starting-see-again.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2700-shouldnt-here.html Sat, 24 Oct 2009 19:08:41 GMT I shouldn't. I don't even know why I am. Yeah, it's the self pity whoa is me sh*t. I'm blogging while waiting for a phone call so I can score some morph. Got some klonopin and xanax coursing through my veins. Waiting,waiting....

Right now I should be at my niece's first birthday but I'm waiting and getting impatient. I waved to my mother as she drove by me the other day. She thought I was going fishing or to the store. I waved back and faked a smile. Mom, everything is all right. I am doing well now. I was on my way to get some dope.

I've been asked why I come here if I am not ready to surrender completely. Why I visit if I do not make any forward movements toward sobriety. The answer is I don't know.

So I call and call and finally get a hold of the contact who will contact the "dude". Now, all that talk about knowing that I really don't want sobriety is gone. Those last paragraphs have disappeared and now I am filled with anticipation. This deal had better go through. I am so sick of benzos. Thinking of visiting a relative's house for some meds. A whirlwind of excuses to do bad things grow and fester in my mind. Then they bloom into a beautiful flower. The flower is how I will feel on the dope. Dope X Dope X Dope= escape.

So now I know that I come here just to express. Don't bother trusting me, don't bother changing things that won't give into changing. ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2700-shouldnt-here.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2682-2nd-person.html Sun, 18 Oct 2009 06:13:54 GMT So you sit there high on Xanax thinking of ways to get sober. Convincing yourself that at least the benzos aren't opiates or alky. Hey take another junky. But you're not a bad junkie, no just one with relapse after relapse. You think that this addict thing isn't that bad. Slurring and stumbling. Mumbling and your smiling. You know it isn't good. You know it isn't good to even blog here. Your sluggish mind and constant yawning prove you're high. Is this what you want? How many meetings have you gone to? Have you ever actually, completely wanted to stop? By the looks of things-no. Just brief reprieves you lie about calling being clean.
You miss your old girlfriend, want to call her up. You want to crawl on the floor with a bottle of Wild Turkey in your hand. If you're gonna get f*cked up, why not go all the way. You're not suicidal, not depressed, you're not doing anything positive. You're high as hell. You don't care. You start to hate it when people tell you sobriety is the most important thing and that by the looks of it you ain't making any progress. But, hey I ain't stealing meds, ain't dr. shopping, ain't manipulating anyone. No, I'm just sitting here lying to myself, completely inebriated. Dull and heavy. But hey junky you only snorted a couple of xannies-at least it ain't speed. Oh and by the way Mr. Addict pat on the f*cking back for sleeping in all weekend. I mean, hey, you're body needs rest right? Jesus H. you're doing an awesome job at recovery. So you smile and want to cry for blogging what you know is bullsh*t. That what you're doing is helping no one but you don't care. You're drooling. You're smiling. You're sedated. :c011: ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2682-2nd-person.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2604-different-perspective.html Wed, 23 Sep 2009 22:50:54 GMT Things that might lead someone to believe you can't handle alcohol and dope.

A rusty razorblade in the bathroom and you waking up in your vomit
Drinking a "man's" drink-bottle after bottle of hard liquor
Switching from Jack to Southern Comfort (black label your ego shouts) to vodka to finally Wild Turkey 101
Drinking just to add to the huge collection of empty bottles on your cupboards and then on the countertop and then all over the place
Smiling when you take 4 trash bags of beer cans/bottles thinking you accomplished something bada$$
Snorting blow and then asking your brother if he could score some
Getting pissed when he doesn't respond favorably
Waking up on the toilet with a razorblade covered in blood and caked with aspirin and Wellbutrin
Snorting tylenol while crying drunk off your a$$-every night
Counting your pills over and over again
Knowing exactly how many left until w/d
Counting on the last ones to lift you up
Getting sad when they don't obey
Not taking a sh*t for days on end
Your cig box being empty and your diahhrea
And your insomnia,leg twitching, extreme irratability,body shaking,suicidal thoughts,vomiting,runny nose and eyes
Had nothing to do with your missing friends
Never sleeping more than 3 feet away from your dope
Popping advil just to feel a pill slide down into your throat
Hoping that the OTC sleeping pills will feel like an opiate "on the nod"
Getting disappointed
Only using NicodermCQ transdermal patch so you can play pretend
Pretending it's fentanyl
Regretting how many people you could've stolen from when you were a chipper
Being proud in your new "identity"
Graduating to addict
Thinking about hurting them so they can get opiates
Feeling surprised when your girlfriend looks at all empty bottles and then at you with hurt in her eyes asking if you did all this by yourself
You, not understanding what she means
You replying with a smile-"Well, yeah babe!"
You thinking she would want you right then and there
Not thinking that you were pushing her away
Thinking you were the bee's knees
Doctor shopping and feeling good about it
Using Bic pens to snort
Snorting speed in the Sunday School classroom
Feeling extremely paranoid
And then popping another one
And then seeing bugs land on the carpet that you know aren't there
Doing the Hulk pose over and over
Getting a six-pack and jutting cheekbones
Not caring if you're starving yourself
Caring only to get high
Carrying them around for nostalgic reasons
Keeping all the pill vials just to look at
Licking the inside of your Bic trying to get everything out of it
Driving around with enough to dope in high enough DEA schedules to get you put away
Laughing, thinking you're invincible
Believing it
Searching your car and your room like a fiend
Like an addict when you run out
Crying like a lost child looking for "Mommy" in the cracks and crevices of your car
Jumping up and down when you find a vicodin
Never thinking that you might be going too far
When you don't drink for a day, you stand up and start to get extremely dizzy- almost pass out
Snorting Xanax while your brother walks in and crying
Him only saying you should slow down and you now laughing and stumbling around
Knowing the numbers on every pill you've ever abused and being proud of it
Your hands falling asleep constantly-even when using them actively(chopping up a pill)
Your facial ticks and burst capillaries and yellowing skin
You getting man boobs
Doing blow and walking in to the gas station with a big chunk sticking in your nose
You extracting it and eating it
Thirty minutes later crying your a$$ off
Ten minutes later on all fours snorting anything that looks white...or grey or brown
Rubbing dust on your gums (which by lack of brushing bleed profusely)
Always drinking before your girlfriend comes over
Smoking pot and calling the waitress a dude
Not caring and wanting more
Substituting pills for different pills to feel different because you're in control
Buying pharmacology books and dog-earing every drug you've tried
Smiling at the drugs you will try
Driving inebriated to the point of almost blacking out
Repeat last step every night
Crying while you do that
Combining pills to enhance other pills' effects
Coming up with cool nicknames like Mighty Morphine Power Rangers
Stealing pills from relatives
Close ones
Visiting the ATM constantly
Manipulating everybody you know so much to the point of joy
Thinking you have control over your life
Combining Xanax and drink
Admiring how much you drink with an air of accomplishment
Driving with amphetamines in your cupholder
Same goes for every pill you've ever had
Knowing "happiness" was only a swallow and/or snort away
Driving for hours on speed and singing
Drinking four red bulls while jacked up- in two hours
Ignoring your heart flip-flopping at 100mph
Ignoring your heart slow down to a crawl
Ignoring the fact that drink+benzos+opiates can easily cause death
Being proud of your tolerance
Wanting to up it- as a bragging right to yourself
Having no friends
Having no conversations with anyone for years
Walking into a store having imaginative conversations on your cell phone with someone about the potentcy of different pills
Thinking people are buying into the lie that you're talking to a person, and not to yourself
Not realizing you have no call history
Not realizing that you've pushed yourself away
Jumping up and down when a batch of "cookies" or "jellybeans" arrives
Making up these nicknames to give yourself fulfillment
Not feeling the wind in your hair
Stomping around like a tough guy
Believing it
Breaking down while driving when you see a dandelion
Not thinking you have a problem...yet
Basing your actions on whether your pupils are dilated or small as a pinhead
Being proud of the fact that you know that
Seeing your dealer(s) and smiling inside
Having pill hangover and thinking the pills were just old
Never thinking about taking a step back and seeing how many years have gone by with your abuse and hurt towards everyone around you
Thinking you can overcome by willpower
Knowing you have a problem but not a big one
Thinking at least you ain't on the streets
Using this for gas to fuel the fire of consumption
Thinking that the only one you might (slim chance) be hurting is you
Rejecting everyone including the little voice in your heart that is calmly but strongly begging you to stop
Your facial tics
Your purchase of body language books so you can become the puppet master of who you talk to
Talking to your ex-girlfriend only saying sorry over and over again through tears
Not seeing that she had left years ago
That no one is crying with you-that the spot on the couch is empty
Not wanting to face the fact that she had left crying, thinking she had failed
Not wanting to admit you had failed her
Still thinking your problems were under control
Not realizing that a meaningful conversation is something you haven't felt in years
Writing a list called "Things I Miss" while coming down of speed with vicky
Thinking it will change everything
Thinking that you will be able to take just one
Smiling when you can shake your Marlboro box and hear your only friends "talking to each other"
Not seeing that they weren't friends
Not seeing that youre face was sagging
Not seeing how much food you don't eat
Not seeing how much that little part of your soul is starting to give up on you
Not seeing that your hurt is covered up by all the abuse
Denying the fact that life can be good without the drugs
While crying pushing away the fact that life can be fulfilling and that it's possible to be
fine again
to smile for real
to hurt for real
to make friends outta strangers
to not be ashamed
to live ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2604-different-perspective.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2594-regret-fear.html Tue, 22 Sep 2009 01:14:28 GMT So i sit here and my mind starts wandering about my relationship with moms and pops. I remember only talking to them when blitzed outta my mind. Most of that talk was full of lies. But, i also made... So i sit here and my mind starts wandering about my relationship with moms and pops. I remember only talking to them when blitzed outta my mind. Most of that talk was full of lies. But, i also made them laugh and we made eye contact and that is trying to make my heart hurt. I won't let it.

Now, a part of me wants to reach out and just get to them, get to know who they've become these last four years. A large part of me doesn't want to have anything to do with them. I thought parents were to be cherished, loved and eventually remembered, but right now, i can't remember one time without arguing in the last six years. They would preach to me about my sin and i would ramble on about my emotions that, i know for a fact, drove me to drink and snort, and swallow. The anger, isolation, sadness, shame and so on and so forth. It gets us nowhere.

I haven't told them about na-anon, i wanted to see if they would show the drive that they said they had for me to stay sober. They said they would be there for me (with all their teachings of Jesus looming behind them). So i've sat and watched as what little relationship we three ever had, erode. And right about now, i'm not sad. Just cold.

They said maybe meetings weren't the answer. Maybe i needed to return to the church and the fellowship. Pops is a baptist minister and mums heavily involved. I told them about growing up. Told them how i was a recluse, all my activities-reading,writing,chess,drinking and the drugs enforced a solitude that hurt me deep. I don't remember ever being told to strive for goals besides the heavenly. I am not declaring war on christianity here, just venting.

They said ok. And that was it. I said i was hurt, and all those amphetamine-induced nights and/or lonely nights reading textbook after textbook on psychiatry and psychology helped me explain my feelings openly and honestly for the first time in years. About how i felt about myself and where i wanted to be. How the models of personality behavior were true in my case. Those books put into words what i was feeling, made me less alone. "You're not a junky," pops said. "Just going through a phase." I wanted to knock him out. I haven't told them even half of what i did while high or in an attempt to get high.

But since i wasn't running around with a needle stuck in my arm, had a job, paid my bills- i was no junky. Pills ain't smack or ice in their minds. They reminded of how i viewed drug addicts before i got entwined with them. The ol' hollywood version. I showed them some songs that helped me realize i had a major problem and my father sort of balked at this secular, swear-word laced version of music. What i was trying to show them was that SONGS helped me through-not them or the rest of my family.

I'm too angry at them now. I don't even want to talk or get to know them. I feel like i should treat them like i feel they're treating my addiction-background noise. Something irritating and inconsequential. I want to hate them. I think a part of me wants to please them so i can feel good about my choices lately. I know that's dangerous thinking. This sinner wants compassion from the ones who revoke it when it isn't wrapped in crosses and blood. I feel like they don't know me. 26 years old and i feel like an angry adolescent. Misunderstood and surrounded by people who say they'll help but choose to not take one, tiny f**king step towards understanding addiction without a leatherbound book and a small, rural choir. i don't want my mom's pat on the backs. Her whispering "We're praying for you son," every time i walk out of the door. I want them to understand this whole junky business. Want them to understand the why of what i have done and at least partially understand it. I sometimes think if i had had cancer, they would devote all their energy to trying to understand. But i'm a shame, a lost soul, and not a junky. I just want my parents' support as human beings. I'm beginning to see that is too much to ask of them.

The more i see their words and lack of action- the more i am ashamed to be my happily married parents' son. And i think i am starting to be okay with that. :a043: ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2594-regret-fear.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2584-oops.html Sun, 20 Sep 2009 02:09:33 GMT n n ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2584-oops.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2558-tapdancing-devil.html Mon, 14 Sep 2009 02:10:42 GMT clever got me this far, then tricky got me
eye on what i'm after i don't need another friend
smile and drop the cliche 'til you think i'm listenin
i'll take just what i came for and then i'm out the door again
lie to get what i came for lie to take what's mine- how i've been planning and scheming on how to get the meds that are controlling my mind i'm afraid that this is going to be a journey with a bad ending but one that i'm going to take
stealing, lying, manipulating to get what's mine
I'm at the point where i don't care if i burn the bridges, don't care if i hurt the ones who love me, don't care about anything but what i want
about what i need sobriety is an illusion for this boy- a cruel invitation
I am envious of all you have conquered your cravings. I am envious of those of you who experience life on life's terms without the aid of chemicals. :c021: ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2558-tapdancing-devil.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2556-try-try-until-happens.html Sun, 13 Sep 2009 22:12:05 GMT "Visited" two houses about a coupla hours ago and guess what? NO meds, anywhere. Jesus, you think I could find a sick person WITH meds, but noooo. Nothing but shampoo and q-tips and salt and pepper shakers on their counters. This sucks. I want some pks. I want some now. :headbange ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2556-try-try-until-happens.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2523-i-remember.html Wed, 02 Sep 2009 23:04:24 GMT the way the spider spun its web and the sun reflecting off the water's surface. I remember the way i could talk with people and understand them and empathize. I remember smiling at the sight of my own pupils. I remember feeling the breeze hit my outstretched hand as I drove.
I remember being high and loving it. I remember all the addresses, the phone numbers, the faces and vehicles. I hate all that, but still romanticize the whole "chase". I remember everything while high and now, it's all I can do to not rip my bedroom door off it's hinges. All I can do to not punch a smiley face in my wall. This f**king sucks. Jesus H. christ this sucks. :whisper ]]> pinpoint http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/pinpoint/2523-i-remember.html