starting to see again

So I finally relapsed because I was never intending to truly follow through with sobriety. For awhile, I thought that without dope, any dope, in my system things would get better. Obviously, I was totally missing the point on staying clean- dealing with life on life's terms without substances coursing through my veins. I realized for the first time that my lifestyle is one of havoc and disdain. I see a break in the clouds now. I am finally realizing the behaviours I thought I would overcome by myself were just in the background waiting and getting stronger by the minute. Waiting to choke me to death. I flushed some pills and never, ever want to go back to that amphe. sh*t. Now, I need to deal with the opiates and benzos. Actually, check that, I need to follow through with living clean in my mind. Baby steps man, baby steps. I hated hearing that from people here, but I only hated hearing that because I knew it wasn't what I was doing. I was only "clean" when I ran out of dope.
I am thinking about doing something good for myself and those around me. Volunteering, trying to offer advice in a non-combative form for those around me who still use- in whatever form of drug it is and I must watch out for the savior syndrome and my ego.
This merry go round, self-destructive dance is getting too old and I am not the person I know I can be. I know I've said this before but since my eyes are starting to open(very slowly) to the fact that it is possible and definitely attainable to be who I need to be, I've starting thinking things through. Truth vs. feelings. I know those pills are bad but I want 'em but now I am discovering that the truth is that they'll OR I'll start the whole cycle over again.
Sick of stealing, of lying, of manipulating, of being afraid to meet others, of socializing but I need to face those irrational fears and just go out and f*cking do it. I think I am finally after years of saying I was relapsing, finally am honest enough with myself enough to see it wasn't relapse, it was just using-plain and simple. Now, it's time for me to just go out into the world with optimism ( a stranger in my mind) and smile when problems arise and to see how the newbie at recovery will handle the situations and learn from my reactions to them. I am only a failure when I choose not to find out who that stranger is- the one who pushed me to come to this site- the one who told me it's okay to hurt. The one who told me that the dope did nothing more than cover up the path I must take to understand my feelings and to be the Me I can be. Thanks everyone for being a shoulder to lean on.