shouldn't be here
Posted 10-24-2009 at 01:08 PM by pinpoint
I shouldn't. I don't even know why I am. Yeah, it's the self pity whoa is me sh*t. I'm blogging while waiting for a phone call so I can score some morph. Got some klonopin and xanax coursing through my veins. Waiting,waiting....
Right now I should be at my niece's first birthday but I'm waiting and getting impatient. I waved to my mother as she drove by me the other day. She thought I was going fishing or to the store. I waved back and faked a smile. Mom, everything is all right. I am doing well now. I was on my way to get some dope.
I've been asked why I come here if I am not ready to surrender completely. Why I visit if I do not make any forward movements toward sobriety. The answer is I don't know.
So I call and call and finally get a hold of the contact who will contact the "dude". Now, all that talk about knowing that I really don't want sobriety is gone. Those last paragraphs have disappeared and now I am filled with anticipation. This deal had better go through. I am so sick of benzos. Thinking of visiting a relative's house for some meds. A whirlwind of excuses to do bad things grow and fester in my mind. Then they bloom into a beautiful flower. The flower is how I will feel on the dope. Dope X Dope X Dope= escape.
So now I know that I come here just to express. Don't bother trusting me, don't bother changing things that won't give into changing.
Right now I should be at my niece's first birthday but I'm waiting and getting impatient. I waved to my mother as she drove by me the other day. She thought I was going fishing or to the store. I waved back and faked a smile. Mom, everything is all right. I am doing well now. I was on my way to get some dope.
I've been asked why I come here if I am not ready to surrender completely. Why I visit if I do not make any forward movements toward sobriety. The answer is I don't know.
So I call and call and finally get a hold of the contact who will contact the "dude". Now, all that talk about knowing that I really don't want sobriety is gone. Those last paragraphs have disappeared and now I am filled with anticipation. This deal had better go through. I am so sick of benzos. Thinking of visiting a relative's house for some meds. A whirlwind of excuses to do bad things grow and fester in my mind. Then they bloom into a beautiful flower. The flower is how I will feel on the dope. Dope X Dope X Dope= escape.
So now I know that I come here just to express. Don't bother trusting me, don't bother changing things that won't give into changing.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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keep coming back... you'll get there, just keep coming back here pin!!!Posted 10-24-2009 at 09:34 PM by left4lonely
- No one gets in a meeting or into a sobriety website by accident. I don't pretend to know or understand what your purpose or reason is, I am not God. What I do know is that you that doesn't want to live the way your living waiting and waiting impatiently for a momentary fix, a short lived escape. That is not what you want, are you ready yet? Idk. I dont think you do either, but you are heading in that direction. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.Posted 10-24-2009 at 09:38 PM by faithrose
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I never made any forward movements for years...but I eventually got myself in the right place, y'know?
IMO, SR's for people struggling, like you, and me when I got here in 07.
keep posting, pinpoint.
DPosted 10-30-2009 at 04:06 AM by Dee74
