a different perspective

Things that might lead someone to believe you can't handle alcohol and dope.

A rusty razorblade in the bathroom and you waking up in your vomit
Drinking a "man's" drink-bottle after bottle of hard liquor
Switching from Jack to Southern Comfort (black label your ego shouts) to vodka to finally Wild Turkey 101
Drinking just to add to the huge collection of empty bottles on your cupboards and then on the countertop and then all over the place
Smiling when you take 4 trash bags of beer cans/bottles thinking you accomplished something bada$$
Snorting blow and then asking your brother if he could score some
Getting pissed when he doesn't respond favorably
Waking up on the toilet with a razorblade covered in blood and caked with aspirin and Wellbutrin
Snorting tylenol while crying drunk off your a$$-every night
Counting your pills over and over again
Knowing exactly how many left until w/d
Counting on the last ones to lift you up
Getting sad when they don't obey
Not taking a sh*t for days on end
Your cig box being empty and your diahhrea
And your insomnia,leg twitching, extreme irratability,body shaking,suicidal thoughts,vomiting,runny nose and eyes
Had nothing to do with your missing friends
Never sleeping more than 3 feet away from your dope
Popping advil just to feel a pill slide down into your throat
Hoping that the OTC sleeping pills will feel like an opiate "on the nod"
Getting disappointed
Only using NicodermCQ transdermal patch so you can play pretend
Pretending it's fentanyl
Regretting how many people you could've stolen from when you were a chipper
Being proud in your new "identity"
Graduating to addict
Thinking about hurting them so they can get opiates
Feeling surprised when your girlfriend looks at all empty bottles and then at you with hurt in her eyes asking if you did all this by yourself
You, not understanding what she means
You replying with a smile-"Well, yeah babe!"
You thinking she would want you right then and there
Not thinking that you were pushing her away
Thinking you were the bee's knees
Doctor shopping and feeling good about it
Using Bic pens to snort
Snorting speed in the Sunday School classroom
Feeling extremely paranoid
And then popping another one
And then seeing bugs land on the carpet that you know aren't there
Doing the Hulk pose over and over
Getting a six-pack and jutting cheekbones
Not caring if you're starving yourself
Caring only to get high
Carrying them around for nostalgic reasons
Keeping all the pill vials just to look at
Licking the inside of your Bic trying to get everything out of it
Driving around with enough to dope in high enough DEA schedules to get you put away
Laughing, thinking you're invincible
Believing it
Searching your car and your room like a fiend
Like an addict when you run out
Crying like a lost child looking for "Mommy" in the cracks and crevices of your car
Jumping up and down when you find a vicodin
Never thinking that you might be going too far
When you don't drink for a day, you stand up and start to get extremely dizzy- almost pass out
Snorting Xanax while your brother walks in and crying
Him only saying you should slow down and you now laughing and stumbling around
Knowing the numbers on every pill you've ever abused and being proud of it
Your hands falling asleep constantly-even when using them actively(chopping up a pill)
Your facial ticks and burst capillaries and yellowing skin
You getting man boobs
Doing blow and walking in to the gas station with a big chunk sticking in your nose
You extracting it and eating it
Thirty minutes later crying your a$$ off
Ten minutes later on all fours snorting anything that looks white...or grey or brown
Rubbing dust on your gums (which by lack of brushing bleed profusely)
Always drinking before your girlfriend comes over
Smoking pot and calling the waitress a dude
Not caring and wanting more
Substituting pills for different pills to feel different because you're in control
Buying pharmacology books and dog-earing every drug you've tried
Smiling at the drugs you will try
Driving inebriated to the point of almost blacking out
Repeat last step every night
Crying while you do that
Combining pills to enhance other pills' effects
Coming up with cool nicknames like Mighty Morphine Power Rangers
Stealing pills from relatives
Close ones
Visiting the ATM constantly
Manipulating everybody you know so much to the point of joy
Thinking you have control over your life
Combining Xanax and drink
Admiring how much you drink with an air of accomplishment
Driving with amphetamines in your cupholder
Same goes for every pill you've ever had
Knowing "happiness" was only a swallow and/or snort away
Driving for hours on speed and singing
Drinking four red bulls while jacked up- in two hours
Ignoring your heart flip-flopping at 100mph
Ignoring your heart slow down to a crawl
Ignoring the fact that drink+benzos+opiates can easily cause death
Being proud of your tolerance
Wanting to up it- as a bragging right to yourself
Having no friends
Having no conversations with anyone for years
Walking into a store having imaginative conversations on your cell phone with someone about the potentcy of different pills
Thinking people are buying into the lie that you're talking to a person, and not to yourself
Not realizing you have no call history
Not realizing that you've pushed yourself away
Jumping up and down when a batch of "cookies" or "jellybeans" arrives
Making up these nicknames to give yourself fulfillment
Not feeling the wind in your hair
Stomping around like a tough guy
Believing it
Breaking down while driving when you see a dandelion
Not thinking you have a problem...yet
Basing your actions on whether your pupils are dilated or small as a pinhead
Being proud of the fact that you know that
Seeing your dealer(s) and smiling inside
Having pill hangover and thinking the pills were just old
Never thinking about taking a step back and seeing how many years have gone by with your abuse and hurt towards everyone around you
Thinking you can overcome by willpower
Knowing you have a problem but not a big one
Thinking at least you ain't on the streets
Using this for gas to fuel the fire of consumption
Thinking that the only one you might (slim chance) be hurting is you
Rejecting everyone including the little voice in your heart that is calmly but strongly begging you to stop
Your facial tics
Your purchase of body language books so you can become the puppet master of who you talk to
Talking to your ex-girlfriend only saying sorry over and over again through tears
Not seeing that she had left years ago
That no one is crying with you-that the spot on the couch is empty
Not wanting to face the fact that she had left crying, thinking she had failed
Not wanting to admit you had failed her
Still thinking your problems were under control
Not realizing that a meaningful conversation is something you haven't felt in years
Writing a list called "Things I Miss" while coming down of speed with vicky
Thinking it will change everything
Thinking that you will be able to take just one
Smiling when you can shake your Marlboro box and hear your only friends "talking to each other"
Not seeing that they weren't friends
Not seeing that youre face was sagging
Not seeing how much food you don't eat
Not seeing how much that little part of your soul is starting to give up on you
Not seeing that your hurt is covered up by all the abuse
Denying the fact that life can be good without the drugs
While crying pushing away the fact that life can be fulfilling and that it's possible to be
fine again
to smile for real
to hurt for real
to make friends outta strangers
to not be ashamed
to live