http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 00:02:36 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/4281-codependency.html Mon, 13 Sep 2010 03:28:50 GMT Need to start working on Codependency issues again. Need to start working on Codependency issues again. ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/4281-codependency.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2469-develop-unconditional-love.html Sat, 15 Aug 2009 18:35:56 GMT Develop Unconditional Love Sagittarius Daily Horoscope You may be more accepting of others and find that it is easier to be more tolerant of their actions today. Your desire to acknowledge other... Develop Unconditional Love
Sagittarius Daily Horoscope
You may be more accepting of others and find that it is easier to be more tolerant of their actions today. Your desire to acknowledge other people for who they are could be the result of your ability to accept yourself as well, for giving yourself unconditional love makes it possible to extend compassion to those around you. Perhaps today you can do a loving-kindness meditation to further develop your loving nature. In loving-kindness meditation, you take a few minutes to first focus on yourself by wishing yourself love, peace, and happiness. Picturing your body becoming filled with love each time you inhale may increase your feelings of self-acceptance and well-being. As your love for yourself expands, you can then repeat the same process for the people in your life. Through this form of meditation you may notice that your ability to understand and love others grows.

Being able to extend full unconditional love to others is only possible when we already love ourselves. If we don’t have the same love for ourselves, we are simply projecting our need and desire to love onto the people in our lives and our love then becomes filled with restrictions. Loving-kindness meditation, however, is a way in which we can cultivate compassion, love, and tolerance for our own imperfections first, which makes it easier to then broaden our range of self-love to encompass others. By learning how to give yourself love first today, your love for others will be pure, honest, and unconditional. ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2469-develop-unconditional-love.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2453-otter-medicine.html Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:48:21 GMT As otters are very territorial they tend to live alone. *This medicine teaches independence and self-reliance for our needs. * Otters are very playful and are frequently seen They are often seen... As otters are very territorial they tend to live alone. This medicine teaches independence and self-reliance for our needs.

Otters are very playful and are frequently seen They are often seen floating on their backs with their paws extended out of the water soaking up sunrays, sliding on their bellies playfully, performing water acrobatics or chattering to their neighbors. Their relaxed and happy attitude about life reminds those to whom the otter spirit splashes to laugh and enjoy life to its fullest.

Otters are curious about everything in their domain. They will touch or sniff every object within sight. No stone, plant, critter or other object will escape the otter's appetite to know, "who or what are you?". This special medicine reminds us to always look at situations, events and people from different angles; to always be open to new challenges.

Otters are agile and fast in the water. Water is the element of emotional energy in man. Otter spirit teaches us how to swim through problems and emotional upheavals of life with ease.


Otters are very good parents and nurture their offspring longer than most marine mammals. They relish the company of their neighbors Otter medicine emphasizes nurturing energies within us and the creative and interactive, comforting associations with other beings.


The otter likes to talk and they are often heard chatting away to anyone or anything within earshot. When frightened their calls take on an eerie piercing sound similar to a baby screaming. They have few natural enemies and are not afraid of humans. If the otter swims into your life the message may be to rid yourself of fret, worry and pain ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2453-otter-medicine.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2450-strength-compassion-coming-conflict-open-hear.html Tue, 11 Aug 2009 04:11:42 GMT The Strength of Compassion Coming at Conflict with an Open Heart Conflict is an unavoidable part of our lives because our beliefs and modes of being often contrast powerfully with those of our... The Strength of Compassion
Coming at Conflict with an Open Heart

Conflict is an unavoidable part of our lives because our beliefs and modes of being often contrast powerfully with those of our loved ones, acquaintances, and associates. Yet for all the grief disagreements can cause, we can learn much from them. The manner in which we handle ourselves when confronted with anger or argument demonstrates our overall level of patience and the quality of our energetic states. To resolve conflict, no matter how exasperating the disagreement at hand, we should approach our adversary with an open heart laden with compassion. Judgments and blame must be cast aside and replaced with mutual respect. Conflict is frequently motivated by unspoken needs that are masked by confrontational attitudes or aggressive behavior. When we come at conflict with love and acceptance in our hearts, we empower ourselves to discover a means to attaining collective resolution.

The key to finding the wisdom concealed in conflict is to ask yourself why you clash with a particular person or situation. Your inner self or the universe may be trying to point you to a specific life lesson, so try to keep your ears and eyes open. Once you have explored the internal and external roots of your disagreement, make a conscious effort to release any anger or resentment you feel. As you do so, the energy between you and your adversary with change perceptibly, even if they are still operating from a more limited energy state. Consider that each of you likely has compelling reasons for thinking and feeling as you do, and accept that you have no power to change your adversary’s mind. This can help you approach your disagreement rationally, with a steady voice and a willingness to compromise.

If you listen thoughtfully and with an empathetic ear during conflict, you can transform clashes into opportunities to compromise. Examine your thoughts and feelings carefully. You may discover stubbornness within yourself that is causing resistance or that you are unwittingly feeding yourself negative messages about your adversary. As your part in disagreements becomes gradually more clear, each new conflict becomes another chance to further hone your empathy, compassion, and tolerance. ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2450-strength-compassion-coming-conflict-open-hear.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2443-earth-s-support.html Mon, 10 Aug 2009 03:26:43 GMT Sagittarius Daily Horoscope You may notice emotional swings today that could leave you feeling unsettled. Your feelings may be a reaction to problems in your home environment. If your emotions... Sagittarius Daily Horoscope

You may notice emotional swings today that could leave you feeling unsettled. Your feelings may be a reaction to problems in your home environment. If your emotions seem to affect those around you, you might want to work on becoming grounded today. When you start to feel anxious, you can find a place to sit quietly in a comfortable cross-legged position on the floor. Try feeling the base of your spine connecting to the earth and then imagine your spine growing roots into the ground beneath you, giving you the support you need. As you inhale you can picture strength coming up through your roots and taking hold in your body. On each exhale visualize your negative emotions releasing into the earth. You may notice your sense of well-being grow while using this grounding technique.

Being grounded gives us the balance we need to cope with emotional fluctuations throughout the day. During our daily routine we are often in our heads and allow our emotions to get the better of us. When we are moody life seems out of kilter and the smallest thing can ignite feelings of anxiety. By taking time to consciously become grounded, we create the means to support our emotions. Drawing strength from the solidity of the earth lets us cope with whatever uncomfortable feelings arise, which gives us a greater ability to ride out the problems we encounter. As you ground yourself today, you will learn to access the infinite resources for balancing your emotions that are available to you. ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2443-earth-s-support.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2435-what-others-need.html Sat, 08 Aug 2009 17:22:24 GMT Sagittarius Daily Horoscope You may feel like taking care of your friends and family today. Your care-taking mood could be the result of your need to protect others. It is important to remember... Sagittarius Daily Horoscope

You may feel like taking care of your friends and family today. Your care-taking mood could be the result of your need to protect others. It is important to remember that giving help is valuable only when help is needed. Today you might want to listen carefully to the needs of your loved ones to see what they really want from you. It may be that they simply would like you to spend time with them listening to their concerns, or they might want you to support them in a deeper way by helping them through a difficult transition. You may want to focus on keeping their wishes in mind and not allowing your desire to govern your actions. You may find that you give the best support for your loved ones when you honor their requests.

Caring for others means that we respect what they need in the moment. So often our helping instincts arise and we want to give of ourselves to other people. But if they do not want our assistance or are not in a receptive mood, we may then feel resentment toward them because our support is not appreciated. When we help out of a genuine desire to meet another person’s request for assistance, we provide a greater service to others. We offer them our love because they have asked us, not because helping others fills our own need to be needed. Learn to give to your loved ones today because they asked, and your support will mean the world to them. ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2435-what-others-need.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2369-note-self-dysfunctional-definition-love.html Thu, 23 Jul 2009 04:18:45 GMT Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 2 - Dysfunctional Definition of Love

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal.

It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say "I can't smile without you" "I can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power.

Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.

There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after. We are not incomplete until we find out soul mate. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.

True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles. The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.

If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.

As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving. ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2369-note-self-dysfunctional-definition-love.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2367-being-controlling.html Thu, 23 Jul 2009 01:49:47 GMT Or, you might have decided to go in the opposite direction and resist others' attempts to control you. You might have decided that having control over not being controlled is what is really important. If you struggle with procrastination, you might want consider that resistance has become a major form of control for you.

Perhaps you decided as a child to just withdraw and shut out others' attempts to control you. You might have also decided to try to control your own feelings through addictions such as food, alcohol, drugs, work, TV, gambling, spending, and so on.

Finally, you might have decided that avoiding your feelings by staying in your head instead of your heart is the way to feel safe from pain. The abandonment of your own feelings � the lack of love for yourself - results in inner emptiness. Your emptiness becomes like a vacuum on others' energy, pulling on others to give you the love you need to fill your inner emptiness. ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2367-being-controlling.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2363-quote-i-like-today-i-stole-someones-signature.html Wed, 22 Jul 2009 04:10:06 GMT The fruit of the spirit is: Love Joy Peace Patience Kindness goodness faithfulness and The fruit of the spirit is:

Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Kindness
goodness
faithfulness and

Self-control ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2363-quote-i-like-today-i-stole-someones-signature.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2355-quote-i-like-today.html Sun, 19 Jul 2009 23:37:50 GMT There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2355-quote-i-like-today.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2350-ashtanga-yoga.html Fri, 17 Jul 2009 21:49:40 GMT Is a good thing in my life right now Is a good thing in my life right now ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2350-ashtanga-yoga.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2344-gotta-stay-positive.html Tue, 14 Jul 2009 23:21:38 GMT ... ... ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2344-gotta-stay-positive.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2318-today.html Sat, 11 Jul 2009 17:21:47 GMT I am appreciating that my cats each have their own window to look out of. I am appreciating that my cats each have their own window to look out of. ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2318-today.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2313-something-i-need-remember.html Sat, 11 Jul 2009 01:45:52 GMT *Wash the dishes to wash the dishes* Thich Nhat Hanh from: The Miracle of Mindfulness Wash the dishes to wash the dishes

Thich Nhat Hanh

from: The Miracle of Mindfulness ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2313-something-i-need-remember.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2298-something-im-going-look-into.html Thu, 09 Jul 2009 04:55:24 GMT Pema Chödrön Pema Chödrön ]]> otterbearcat http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/otterbearcat/2298-something-im-going-look-into.html