http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Sun, 22 Nov 2009 11:27:06 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/717-memories.html Thu, 08 May 2008 03:58:23 GMT So, the husband is in Outpatient Rehab as of last week. It has been exactly what I've hoped for for over 2 years. So why am I so calm about it? Why do I feel like it won't even make a difference?

Lately I've been remembering all the crappy things that have been done and said over the years. Me knowing that THIS wasn't the way it was SUPPOSED to be but having no idea what the core issue was. Him just getting angry at me for prying, and constantly running away from me. We've been together for 16 years. That is a long time to pine away for someone who is chasing something else.

He can't even look me in the eye, it's been that way for a long time now. And he can't even let me finish a sentence before he starts walking out of a room.

He SAYS he wants to make this marriage work, says he will do ANYTHING to not lose me. But he has no idea how much he has shut me out, how he has made himself a complete stranger to me. I am worth more than the scraps of time he throws my way when he feels like coming out of his cloak of doom.

I am happy to report that I have an appointment set up with a family member to stop by on Friday and help me get kick-started with the divorce paperwork again. I need a kick in the pants, and I feel paralyzed whenever I look at it, like I don't know where to begin. So this will help me get back on the path to my peaceful future. ]]> mizserenity http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/717-memories.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/661-sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.html Sun, 27 Apr 2008 15:13:20 GMT This is the hardest part for me. The weekends, where my husband is home and all he wants to do is sleep all day, then he'll wake up later agitated that he didn't "do" anything and be disgusted with himself.

And my kids just want to be around him. They will sit on his body on top of the couch and watch TV, just to be near him. I want to go out and do things but they want to "stay" with him. But I can't leave them here, they are too young to look after themselves and he is too tired to care for them.

Every weekend I promise myself that this week I will find the time to do that paperwork while the kids are at school so I can end this madness. Then the week starts and he is at work and it's not "so bad" because it's just me and the kids again...
{sigh** ]]> mizserenity http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/661-sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/597-spring-air.html Thu, 10 Apr 2008 19:24:52 GMT Ah, finally a day when you feel like the long, gray winter is a distant memory. A gloriously sunny, warm day. The kind of day you want to go on and on and on. I was out in the backyard with my 3... Ah, finally a day when you feel like the long, gray winter is a distant memory. A gloriously sunny, warm day. The kind of day you want to go on and on and on.

I was out in the backyard with my 3 y.o., looking at our wooden swingset and annoyed that AH hasn't re-stained it. And then I realize - WHY am I expecting HIM to do anything? I can do it. It'll be tricky because I'll need to watch the kids while I do it, but I can go to a hardware store, ask about the materials I need and JUST DO IT. I can't wait for him anymore, he isn't going to magically start doing all those things I expect a "husband" to do.

And I think I'm finally getting sick of the thickness I've allowed to creep around my middle during many "I don't give a ****" late-night snacking events. I look at my 40 year old self and know I can look better - not for anyone else but for ME.

I am still trying to find time to do the paperwork when it dawned on me - I can set my alarm for 5:30 AM and try to do it in the early morning hours, before the kids wake up. I am not a morning person by nature... but WHAT IF my "ME TIME" were in the morning and not crammed in at night and robbing me of my precious sleep? I bet I'd be a LOT more productive if I tried to do it. Even one day a week, just to try it and see if I can. It would probably help me go to bed earlier, too. There is just NO excuse for me to be up until 1 AM every night.

I feel like these things are no-brainers for so many people, but I've been living so long blaming someone else for all that is scattered, unfinished and unorganized in my life.

There is something about a spring day that just makes all these things look attainable and not so damn daunting... Let's see if I can back it up with action. ]]> mizserenity http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/597-spring-air.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/580-one-day-time.html Mon, 07 Apr 2008 21:09:18 GMT I try to remember that one day at a time doesn't mean acting like there is no tomorrow, but just that I need to be the best, most productive person I can be today.

I go through the motions like everything is ok, but really I want to bury myself under my covers and sleep for a week straight. I just try to act like everything is ok for the kids' sake. I hate this feeling of limbo, I really REALLY need to find the time to finish the divorce paperwork.

I can't believe my husband thinks everything is ok because he acts like a normal human being once in a while. Yesterday we took the kids to an amusement park; I wanted to get our season passes activated so he can take them by himself sometimes. See? I'm still trying to control his relationship with them, since he does well when he goes on "outings" with them but falls asleep when he is home. Anyway, there was a time in the not-so-distant past that those outings gave ME comfort since I could pretend for a few hours that everything is ok. Well, I can't anymore. For the first time I realized that I just want to be alone with my kids ALL the time, I don't want to try to act like we are one big happy family on the weekends. They slept like hell the night before and AH kept coming upstairs to yell everytime DD2 cried - like THAT was going to help. And the 3 of us were all snuggling in my bed and even though DD2 was crying at times, I loved having them both snuggling with me in the middle of the night.

So here I sit... with my one daughter watching a movie, the other one playing play-doh and for 5 minutes I type what has been swirling around my head all day. They interrupted me 4 times since I started, such is motherhood. Such is the reason I haven't been able to focus on finishing that paperwork.

I need to stop being so hard on myself, I guess. But I also need to stop making excuses and get the ball rolling to file for divorce. ]]> mizserenity http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/580-one-day-time.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/569-take-long-way-home.html Sun, 06 Apr 2008 03:19:17 GMT I heard that song by Supertramp on my way home from an errand tonight. When I sang it for the school with my 6th grade choir, I am sure I didn't understand what the words meant. But man, can I relate now.

Today was odd; my dad is chronically ill and about to move into an independent senior living facility. He is completely overwhelmed with all he has to do to move, so I went there this morning to help him purge some stuff. He has COPD so he can't lift anything or do anything quickly, even with his oxygen.

I told my husband earlier this week that I would be going there on Sat morning, so he actually came through this morning and took the girls to a park with a little animal feeding area, and then took them to a diner for lunch. He does very well with them when he is out of the house, which is why I'm glad he went out with them. I would have been more worried if he stayed home.

He got home about 15 minutes after I did (at 2:30 PM), and immediately fell asleep on the couch. Just passed out. He claims he doesn't do this a lot, but he does. This is the part of my life that drives me nuts. The kids barely see him during the week and just want to be with him so badly; today they kept trying to wake him up. They needed dinner and a bath, and I was invited to go to my sister's with them just to get me out of the house, but they were so tuckered out I just fed them, bathed them and put them to bed. Big girl went down first and as I was putting little one down, he woke up, and that is when I said I was running out. I needed to just get out by myself, went to our gourmet grocery store and bought a couple of things. I ate a late dinner by myself, and bought a magazine and just read and ate in their cafe. And it was quite fitting to hear "Take the Long Way Home" as I was pulling into my neighborhood. I sat on the driveway until it ended. ]]> mizserenity http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/569-take-long-way-home.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/554-one-day-time-one-breath-time.html Wed, 02 Apr 2008 03:09:49 GMT Trying to stay focused on what I need to do, which is finish filling out the paperwork for my divorce lawyer. It's been a rough week since my 3 y.o. had surgery last week and is still recovering. I'm up a lot with her at night so it's kind of like having a newborn again. It's amazing how everything seems so.much.harder. when we are sleep deprived.

I saw my therapist today; she is new and it's my second time seeing her. She asked me what my husband could do to repair what's been done and get me to stay in the marriage and I thought long and hard and realized that there isn't anything he can do at this point. It's gone on too long. I realize I am still trying to control him because I want him to be a better parent to our kids, but I need to pray to my higher power and turn it over. Part of THEIR journey is having him for a father. They have things to learn too and even though they are only 5 and 3, I'll just have to pray and turn it over. I'm scared because he can be so convincing at times, and he'll convince a judge that he is completely fine and my kids will have unsupervised visits with him when he's still not in recovery and sleeping all day. I don't think he would ever intentionally hurt them, but I do think that they could be put in danger by his neglect. This is what keeps me up nights and makes me procrastinate, but again I just have to document what I have and pray pray pray. Having them live in this dysfunctional life with the two of us isn't doing them any favors, either.

What a reality check it was today when I asked him if he wanted to attend a father/daughter function with our older daughter and responded that he was disgusting and would embarrass her. And thanks to al-anon I didn't get angry, I held his hand and told him she adored him and he'd NEVER embarrass her. But he still doesn't want to go.

I just need to keep breathing... don't forget to breath. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. ]]> mizserenity http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/554-one-day-time-one-breath-time.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/538-start.html Mon, 31 Mar 2008 03:27:16 GMT I should have started this long ago. What a journey it has been. I am in a completely dead marriage, to a man with many addictions/compulsions. Just talking to him about day to day stuff is... I should have started this long ago.

What a journey it has been.

I am in a completely dead marriage, to a man with many addictions/compulsions. Just talking to him about day to day stuff is difficult. I can't remember when I got to the "I'm done" point, but I know it's been a long time and time keeps passing on and on and on... I'd say it's been about 2 years since I've really, truly wanted out. This limbo is hell on earth to me.

What is extremely difficult for me, is that we have 2 small children. Who love and adore him, but who are also unfortunate victims of this disease. This is the last part of him I'm still trying to "control", it's his relationship with his children. I realized that recently, and I need to work on it.

I guess that is all for now. ]]> mizserenity http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mizserenity/538-start.html