Quitting for good

I have been suffering from alcohol and drug addiction for 14 years. I am 30 years old, and this past year I realized that one more year would make it roughly half of my life that I have spent relying on alcohol and drugs to soften the pain of life. I was introduced to alcohol at age 12 by my father, and this was not your typical 'take a sip of my beer' type introduction. I drank so many Jack and Cokes that I'm not sure how many I had, and I ended up puking all over the place. My dad made me promise not to tell my mom who was out of town. That began the story of chemical dependancy in my life, intertwined with the deceit, dishonesty, and shame, although it would be several years until I found a way to get alcohol and drugs for myself.

Between then and now so much has happened, I have accomplished so much, and I have so much to be thankful for. My wife and our dog and 2 cats, my successful business, my health, my luck. But, I realized over the past year I am incredibly depressed about and disgusted with my interpersonal life. I have had the following conversation with myself at least every other morning this past year:

"I'm not going to drink today. I can do it. Drinking makes me feel like ****. I have this headache. I have no energy. My wife hates my drinking. I have all these reasons to not drink. I'm not going to drink. God, give me the strength to avoid alcohol today!!"

By 2 pm, the conversation with myself was more like this:

"Can't wait to get out of the house. I need to wait a little longer though. 2 pm is too early to drink. Just a little while longer."

I would inevitably give in and end up drinking without fail. I think that out of the past 365 days, I was able to keep from drinking at most 15 of those days. That's being generous. I feel so guilty and shameful for the pain I have caused myself and my family. I estimate that I spent over $4500 on alcohol and drugs last year, and yet I claim that I can't afford health insurance for me and my wife. This is just one example of the negative manifestation of my addiction.

I know that I'm a addict. I was able to quit for a year once before, but I always kept in my mind that at some point I would have another drink. I know now that I have no choice, for my own sake, but to quit for good!!!!!!

Today is a New Year, and it is time to change!! I am through with the torment and torture that alcohol and drugs have caused my psyche and spirit. I am ready to reclaim my life. I am ready to fight. I am looking for support from any direction that it comes. So, if you're reading this, please say something!! I will thank you in advance for the positive support that you offer.

Happy New Year to all!!!!

Best regards,

Mattdontdrink
1/1/09