http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Mon, 23 Nov 2009 12:03:37 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/1987-a.html Fri, 20 Mar 2009 05:13:18 GMT past :) past :) ]]> mattcake79 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/1987-a.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/1428-bittersweet.html Thu, 20 Nov 2008 05:09:28 GMT The prospect of being offline for a while is affecting me - big time. Ironic, because I never was much of an internet person until I bumped into SR.

I'm not worried about sobriety or slipping. It just that... I consider SR folk part of my extended family. And I'm going to miss you guys and girls SO very much. I tried to shrug it off, I mean, it's only temporary. But let's face it - I dearly care for each and every one of you. And I'm so grateful for everything you've given me, so very selflessly.

One of the things I've come to understand here is that there is a lesson to be learned in every situation. So I'll be open to that.

I just dread goodbyes. ]]> mattcake79 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/1428-bittersweet.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/1300-exile.html Tue, 07 Oct 2008 07:38:22 GMT It's so good to be back in SR :)

My self-imposed exile was necessary. I had so much inner work to do... stuff to figure out...

I realized that I do, in fact, believe in a Higher Power. It suddenly seemed so obvious and *there*, present. When I turned myself over to It, I felt relief, hope, trust... But I also felt a lot of pain. It was weird.

I spent the better part of a month getting new bearings, re-learning to let go, just breathing consciously. I started meditating again, contacting my Higher Self; some people talk about Ego as though it were something nasty and destructive. I disagree. Ego is just an illusion, and it does the very best it can, given the circumstances. Sadly, that's rarely enough. IME Ego needs to be ... adjusted?, or realigned, to serve Self. My way to do that is via meditation, affirmations, visualization and prayer. And Ego is relieved... it's all too aware of its shortcomings and its transient nature.

After initial sobriety, I felt like I was some sort of weird soupy concoction. So I boiled down to basics. A lot of stuff evaporated (it was very hard to let go of some of it, some stuff was filler, good riddance to the rest). And the sediment was the essence of what I worked on. Mostly my few close relationships (including HP)... I asked for forgiveness many times. I forgave myself a lot too, which was humbling.

I thought about the future for the first time in a very long while, and got the feeling that, despite outward appearances, I might just be on track. My life mission has always been clear to me. And I'm slowly starting to materialize it... by stretching out my hands. ]]> mattcake79 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/1300-exile.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/1097-ring.html Sat, 09 Aug 2008 07:16:30 GMT Tonight I'm feeling a lot of emotional pain. It's just there, and I don't care to find out where it's coming from. Maybe it's stuff from the past that's breaking through (all that pent up $hit that I've been trying to drown out for years), maybe it's situational - I've been isolating a lot, sometimes I feel lonely... sad. But it is fine, I can deal with it. Just writing about it, putting out there, seems to help. I'm not depressed. When I'm depressed, I feel numb and cold - literally. Like a vegetable sitting in the low temperature cabinet in a fridge. I hate that feeling! Or rather, not feeling. So sadness is okay, it's healthy.

The good news is, I don't feel like drinking. At all. Funny, I'm over 5 weeks sober now and I haven't had cravings since I stopped drinking. Not a single one. Still, I don't want to jinx it, and by no means do I feel cocky. Maybe the desire will return with a vengeance. But I'm trying to keep a positive attitude.

Loneliness might be a huge factor. I know I'm well liked among my family and my friends, but I've been keeping them at bay for so long... I feel no shame in admitting that I've had plenty of casual sex over the years, but it's just not enjoyable to me - even when I was drunk, I would spell out my condition and situation to the guy: just sex. I haven't been interested in finding a boyfriend in ages. But lately I've been wondering about that. Wondering what it would be like to have someone hanging out at my place, someone to share stuff with. I've always refused to spend the night with my sex partners, I either (politely) kick them out or leave. And I've sworn off sex indefinitely, I can live with that decision quite easily. So I'm used to sleeping alone. I've always felt comfortable being a lone wolf, but who knows... I'm wondering.

Here's a secret: years ago, I bought this really nice silver ring. The ring it pretty simple, "manly", with a thin ridge and a wavy pattern engraving. When I bought it, I promised to myself it would be a gift for my next BF. In the meantime, I've been wearing it all along on my right hand ring finger, and over time it's practically become a part of my body - so much so that I'm doubting whether I'll ever want to give it away... I'm not the least bit materialistic, but this ring means a lot to me. I *never* take it off for fear of loosing it.

Yeah, so I'm sad. Staring at my ring, wondering if I'm missing out... maybe it would be nice to give it away after all? ]]> mattcake79 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/1097-ring.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/614-significant-other.html Sun, 13 Apr 2008 07:16:49 GMT SO... Yes. Significant Other. I doubt there's a more vapid acronym out there. What, exactly, is a SO??

I've always been gay - or at least that's the way I see it. No big secret to me, I've always felt at home holding on to another man. Safe and cared for. Big deal. A lot of people do seem to think that it IS a big deal - when I come across such people I just raise my upper lip. Teeth can be Colgate-worthy but I have no qualms if I must taint them red while chewing on bullying aortas. Check out my avatar if you doubt me: I'm just about ready to do so. But most of the time I simply don't bother. Who cares about what goes on in my bedroom anyway? Me and the bedromee??

Outside the bedroom, though, it does get tough. Gender ceases, and in my case all relationships revolve around trust. Who can I trust? For a long time - and now included - I only trusted booze. It helps me let go, shrug off, stare into space... If someone wants me while I'm off that wagon, well... I am fun until Hangover Time.

But that's not what I want. So... can a chemical compound replace significance? No. So...can a person be significant to me? Yes. As long as there is trust. ]]> mattcake79 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/614-significant-other.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/588-trust.html Wed, 09 Apr 2008 08:50:45 GMT Like most of us here, I've been through lots of $hit. Pure and simple. But I don't usually like to indulge in pity parties because I refuse to be a victim, and whining -especially my own- grates my nerves.

Having said that, there is one big issue that plagues me. My addiction problems started when my high school BF cheated on me. I'll go into the gay thing some other time, but what matters right now is saying that I had a 3 year relationship with this guy. Realizing that I was in love with him was akin to a bolt of lightning. I suddenly knew why I was so confused and jittery when he was around. As it turns out, he'd been after me for over two years - that lovable pesky guy who followed me around like a lost puppy. Of course, being a 15 year old, I "knew" about falling love, but for some reason I never thought it'd happen to me. I've always been airy and winged, I feel at home in the skies. Total space cadet, to this very day.

When he cheated on me, I crashed to the ground and my wings snapped off. I had had faith in him. The pain was so overwhelming that, to this day, I still can't come to terms with it. I spent a year in bed, terrified because I realized that one CAN die from a broken heart. Avoiding the pain with booze seemed like the only way out. I stopped trusting people and became cynical and bitter.

Anyway... Recovery. Re-learning to trust people, commitment... No new wings so far. But there is progress as I'm slowly realizing that I'm still that acrobat who barely touches the ground in between somersaults. Birds are my heroes: they are free, monogamous and they take to the skies. So now I need to make one important pirouette: to jump again, once again risking my life, the threat of falling helplessly, not really knowing if I'll land on my feet.

To this acrobat, faith means leaping in abandon, with no guarantees of a safety net. ]]> mattcake79 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/588-trust.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/577-none.html Mon, 07 Apr 2008 08:22:48 GMT When I was a kid I didn't understand why people didn't seem to feel as strongly as I did. My shell is soft and I am easily wounded, though I might not readily show it. Mabe that's part of the problem: I don't tell them all how much I love them, despite the hurt certain actions may bring me. Weird huh. Loving them despite -not because - I am hurt.

My ultimate test came when I had to face these guys who coldly killed this one person I loved deeply - thus destroying dreams that will never be - and forgiving them. I am not a doormat, I roar and behave territorially. That is in my blood, I refuse to be pushed around. But deep down I feel we are all the same, and this helps me to forgive and understand. I may not move on though - my mental landscape is filled with long gone ghosts. But an honest smile always sprouts when you look at me, even when I am sad. That is because I love you. ]]> mattcake79 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/577-none.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/571-bleed.html Sun, 06 Apr 2008 08:22:01 GMT It's strange, the way I always find comfort in darkness, feeling safe in shadows. Watching people who are not addicts I often wonder about their secrets; I have very few. These people half fool me into believing that normal life is effortless. Obviously not true, at least for me. Something as simple as walking into a store sometimes feels like a draining Odyssey.

Most people see me as sunny and easygoing. A healer. Well, yeah maybe I am... to them. When I'm not drinking, though, all I feel is overwhelming grief. Maybe something in me is hemophiliac: as soon as I see the light that sobers me I begin to bleed, and it won't stop. ]]> mattcake79 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/mattcake79/571-bleed.html