Exile
Posted 10-07-2008 at 01:38 AM by mattcake79
It's so good to be back in SR 
My self-imposed exile was necessary. I had so much inner work to do... stuff to figure out...
I realized that I do, in fact, believe in a Higher Power. It suddenly seemed so obvious and *there*, present. When I turned myself over to It, I felt relief, hope, trust... But I also felt a lot of pain. It was weird.
I spent the better part of a month getting new bearings, re-learning to let go, just breathing consciously. I started meditating again, contacting my Higher Self; some people talk about Ego as though it were something nasty and destructive. I disagree. Ego is just an illusion, and it does the very best it can, given the circumstances. Sadly, that's rarely enough. IME Ego needs to be ... adjusted?, or realigned, to serve Self. My way to do that is via meditation, affirmations, visualization and prayer. And Ego is relieved... it's all too aware of its shortcomings and its transient nature.
After initial sobriety, I felt like I was some sort of weird soupy concoction. So I boiled down to basics. A lot of stuff evaporated (it was very hard to let go of some of it, some stuff was filler, good riddance to the rest). And the sediment was the essence of what I worked on. Mostly my few close relationships (including HP)... I asked for forgiveness many times. I forgave myself a lot too, which was humbling.
I thought about the future for the first time in a very long while, and got the feeling that, despite outward appearances, I might just be on track. My life mission has always been clear to me. And I'm slowly starting to materialize it... by stretching out my hands.
My self-imposed exile was necessary. I had so much inner work to do... stuff to figure out...
I realized that I do, in fact, believe in a Higher Power. It suddenly seemed so obvious and *there*, present. When I turned myself over to It, I felt relief, hope, trust... But I also felt a lot of pain. It was weird.
I spent the better part of a month getting new bearings, re-learning to let go, just breathing consciously. I started meditating again, contacting my Higher Self; some people talk about Ego as though it were something nasty and destructive. I disagree. Ego is just an illusion, and it does the very best it can, given the circumstances. Sadly, that's rarely enough. IME Ego needs to be ... adjusted?, or realigned, to serve Self. My way to do that is via meditation, affirmations, visualization and prayer. And Ego is relieved... it's all too aware of its shortcomings and its transient nature.
After initial sobriety, I felt like I was some sort of weird soupy concoction. So I boiled down to basics. A lot of stuff evaporated (it was very hard to let go of some of it, some stuff was filler, good riddance to the rest). And the sediment was the essence of what I worked on. Mostly my few close relationships (including HP)... I asked for forgiveness many times. I forgave myself a lot too, which was humbling.
I thought about the future for the first time in a very long while, and got the feeling that, despite outward appearances, I might just be on track. My life mission has always been clear to me. And I'm slowly starting to materialize it... by stretching out my hands.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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Matty--it sounds like you have had a type of spiritual experience--or awakening of the spirit. Glad to see that you are starting to feel better in sobriety. I can see a change in you.
Posted 10-07-2008 at 06:57 AM by ANGELINA243
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Thanks Angie... A part of me feels that the alcohol abuse was necessary to get me back on track. These days I still need to remind myself to consciously contact my HS (Higher Self) and the HP... Maybe one day it'll just be second (first?) nature.Posted 10-07-2008 at 04:03 PM by mattcake79 -
I agree with Angie. The "Transformation of Matt" has been a beautiful process to watch. With each choice you make, and every new experience you encounter you are ever evolving into the man you were always meant to be.
I know exactly what you mean when you describe the experience as frightening in a way, and definately humbling. I'm in that place right now, as you know. Feeling like I'm staggering through all the things that have brought me to where I am today. I'm trying to sort out the important things as well. It's not easy. But thanks to all my friends here, I'm not as scared as I once was. I truly feel each and everyone of my friends reaching out a helping hand, lifting me up when I feel like falling down would be so much easier.
Thank you Matt. Your friendship is amazing. I love seeing you shine. God bless you in everything you do luv.
Peace & Love Forever,
SP
:ghug
Posted 10-15-2008 at 03:22 PM by butterfly19
