The Ring
Posted 08-09-2008 at 01:16 AM by mattcake79
Tonight I'm feeling a lot of emotional pain. It's just there, and I don't care to find out where it's coming from. Maybe it's stuff from the past that's breaking through (all that pent up $hit that I've been trying to drown out for years), maybe it's situational - I've been isolating a lot, sometimes I feel lonely... sad. But it is fine, I can deal with it. Just writing about it, putting out there, seems to help. I'm not depressed. When I'm depressed, I feel numb and cold - literally. Like a vegetable sitting in the low temperature cabinet in a fridge. I hate that feeling! Or rather, not feeling. So sadness is okay, it's healthy.
The good news is, I don't feel like drinking. At all. Funny, I'm over 5 weeks sober now and I haven't had cravings since I stopped drinking. Not a single one. Still, I don't want to jinx it, and by no means do I feel cocky. Maybe the desire will return with a vengeance. But I'm trying to keep a positive attitude.
Loneliness might be a huge factor. I know I'm well liked among my family and my friends, but I've been keeping them at bay for so long... I feel no shame in admitting that I've had plenty of casual sex over the years, but it's just not enjoyable to me - even when I was drunk, I would spell out my condition and situation to the guy: just sex. I haven't been interested in finding a boyfriend in ages. But lately I've been wondering about that. Wondering what it would be like to have someone hanging out at my place, someone to share stuff with. I've always refused to spend the night with my sex partners, I either (politely) kick them out or leave. And I've sworn off sex indefinitely, I can live with that decision quite easily. So I'm used to sleeping alone. I've always felt comfortable being a lone wolf, but who knows... I'm wondering.
Here's a secret: years ago, I bought this really nice silver ring. The ring it pretty simple, "manly", with a thin ridge and a wavy pattern engraving. When I bought it, I promised to myself it would be a gift for my next BF. In the meantime, I've been wearing it all along on my right hand ring finger, and over time it's practically become a part of my body - so much so that I'm doubting whether I'll ever want to give it away... I'm not the least bit materialistic, but this ring means a lot to me. I *never* take it off for fear of loosing it.
Yeah, so I'm sad. Staring at my ring, wondering if I'm missing out... maybe it would be nice to give it away after all?
The good news is, I don't feel like drinking. At all. Funny, I'm over 5 weeks sober now and I haven't had cravings since I stopped drinking. Not a single one. Still, I don't want to jinx it, and by no means do I feel cocky. Maybe the desire will return with a vengeance. But I'm trying to keep a positive attitude.
Loneliness might be a huge factor. I know I'm well liked among my family and my friends, but I've been keeping them at bay for so long... I feel no shame in admitting that I've had plenty of casual sex over the years, but it's just not enjoyable to me - even when I was drunk, I would spell out my condition and situation to the guy: just sex. I haven't been interested in finding a boyfriend in ages. But lately I've been wondering about that. Wondering what it would be like to have someone hanging out at my place, someone to share stuff with. I've always refused to spend the night with my sex partners, I either (politely) kick them out or leave. And I've sworn off sex indefinitely, I can live with that decision quite easily. So I'm used to sleeping alone. I've always felt comfortable being a lone wolf, but who knows... I'm wondering.
Here's a secret: years ago, I bought this really nice silver ring. The ring it pretty simple, "manly", with a thin ridge and a wavy pattern engraving. When I bought it, I promised to myself it would be a gift for my next BF. In the meantime, I've been wearing it all along on my right hand ring finger, and over time it's practically become a part of my body - so much so that I'm doubting whether I'll ever want to give it away... I'm not the least bit materialistic, but this ring means a lot to me. I *never* take it off for fear of loosing it.
Yeah, so I'm sad. Staring at my ring, wondering if I'm missing out... maybe it would be nice to give it away after all?
Total Comments 6
Comments
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Congrats on 5 weeks Matty!
As far as relations/relationships with other people--I understand where you are coming from. I think the "ring" is a great idea. I would wait...save it for that "special" someone. In the meantime--just focus on sobriety and take everything else "one day at a time".
Posted 08-09-2008 at 12:14 PM by ANGELINA243
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Yeah, one day at a time... That's what's been working. Thanks Angie
Posted 08-09-2008 at 01:42 PM by mattcake79 -
I love you Matty....Keep the faith...Im trying to hope there is real love out there!!!
xoxoxox RachPosted 08-10-2008 at 12:14 PM by lostgirl89 -
Jeez Matt,
Now you've got me bawling too. You know I feel that same loneliness, and it hurts like hell! I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT! I'm sorry you're feeling it too. One of those sobriety things, you know, "feeling" again. That's one thing I would have preferred not to feel however!
As for the ring, what it means to you is something so special I don't think you should give it away until you are 100% sure, and maybe not even then. I've been through enough to know that maybe you can never be 100% sure of love. Sorry if I'm being a bit cynical, just feeling a little emotional as well.
I do hope you find your one true love, just as much as I hope myself and all of our lonely friends here do. If we never do, though, you'll always have me. Maybe not quite as good as the real thing, but I'm here for you and always will be. But, then again, I don't think I have to remind you of that. xxx
Love always,
SP
Posted 08-10-2008 at 09:29 PM by butterfly19 -
I guess we are all on the same page here.
I was a good girl before my addiction. Relationships and sex meant what they were suppose to mean. Between my addiciton, being hurt back then, and my weight. I have no interest in any kind of contact in that way with anyone right now.
As for men. You already know I have some serious issues with that. Sex freaks me out anymore. It means nothing. When you cross a certain line it gets that way.
I have become so shallow as far as any relationships with men go.
If I cant get nothing out of them. No interest. Its a sick trait I have carried with me from my addiction.
And I am pretty much stick and move. Do what you gotta do and bounce. I am only with it to get something and thats sad.
I get very lonely too. Maybe why I dream about old exes sometimes. Ones I had years with before my addiction. When my heart was in it. I miss having someone to hold me. I use to love laying my head on their chest in comfortable sweet silence.
I am scared I will never be able to feel that way again.
As far as my other side. My appearance has got me very insecure with that. I tend to like younger very pretty girls. And I just dont want to feel uncomfortable because of my own hang ups.
I feel uncomfortable when I get compliments. Guys just make me sick anymore. And theres nothing wrong woth them mostly. Its just the experiences I have had that shuts me down.
I hope I dont feel this way forever. It will make for a very lonely life.
It is natural to feel what your feeling Matty. You keep that ring for now. And only when your ready and find the right person. Do you give it away.
First and foremost. Focus on yourself. Getting better.
Your such a great person. Whoever does get that ring. Is one lucky person to have you.
Sorry I rambled at the beginning of this post. But I have been thinking the same stuff lately.
Maybe start slow with hangin with some friends or family first. Then move on to lettign others in. Anyone who meets you will love you like we do.Posted 08-11-2008 at 01:18 AM by Aysha - Yes, whoever gets that ring will be VERY lucky and BLESSED to have you! You are loved!Posted 08-11-2008 at 05:35 AM by ROFL
