dear friends....it's me...Rach....I have fallen off the wagon again...im sure you have guessed it...im predictable...when i DISSAPEAR...you all know what im up to....it's been a tough holiday...idiot lost his job, working for me full time now, if that's what you fall it...my oldest tried to commit suicide and took a razor blade to her face... Im trying to hide from this all...
I just wanted to touch base and let you know I miss you all...I am borrowing my daughters computer...I have limited...

so tonite I get to go to my DUII Victim Panel....another step in my diversion....should be interesting...my daughter and her friend might come with me, I figure it couldnt hurt any..."he" doesnt want to come...so I'll probably have to hitch a ride home...
Then tomorrow morning I have my evaluation to determine how much rehab, or outpatient classes I need to return me to a functioning alcoholic...should be interesting...atleast then I can start getting some closure ....I really NEED...

Im locked in my black box...shut tight...I dont know the combination to the lock...
Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself, and wondered "who the hell is that??" I took some pictures in the park last nite, and that's not the woman I see in the mirror. The woman at the park looks confident, Happy, Like she knows who she is...
The Rachel in the mirror on the other hand...She doesnt know what she wants...she's always done what other people want, like, enjoy... She's...

Boy....what a ball of emotions to deal with...Im still so lost...trying to sort out everything Ive been shoving in my "black box" for so long...I feel very strong in my conviction not to drink...and I have someone to hold me very accountable to it...one person I can not lie too about it (besides my HP)...I've found one person who understands me....calls me to the carpet...and I am so appreciative...
My life at home is cr@p....I again fell back on the whole "sorry I will fix...

I never could have imagined having 19 sober days...reality in sobriety isnt always fun...I have been drinking to suffocate so many feelings...and now they are comming to the surface...the relationship with my girls has been great...all worth it....but everything else seems to be crashing...I have no patience with the idiot...our relationship is getting worse...he says smart @ss remarks...and is treating me like a 3 year old...which I could ignore before...now I find myself crying so much more....I...