http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/ Online Support Groups for Addicts, Alcoholics and their Family, Friends and Loved Ones. Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:31:47 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/ http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/5841-my-doc.html Thu, 09 Jun 2011 01:34:15 GMT I am in withdrawal. It really sucks. Just when I think that I am through the rawest and worst of it I start feeling really bad again. Most withdrawals take 5-10 days at most. Maybe what I am... I am in withdrawal. It really sucks. Just when I think that I am through the rawest and worst of it I start feeling really bad again.

Most withdrawals take 5-10 days at most. Maybe what I am having is PAWS. Yep....that's probably what it is....I just looked up the symptoms and that makes a whole lot of sense.

Everyone keeps telling me that everything will be okay if I just keep doing the next right thing...if I keep coming back until the miracle happens.

This is one nasty drug I am withdrawing from....my drug's name is Cal.

I left him two weeks ago because he is/was abusive to me. He has not worked a program although he has been sober. I'm happy for his sobriety but he never seemed to be able to live life on life's terms...and thus, his irritability, rages, anger, and obsessions. Recently he hurled a plate that spilt through the dry wall 1 foot above my head. I can't live with him and that sort of behavior. Thus, I had to go cold turkey from the withdrawal of my drug.....him.

I know that this will pass. I've never understand addiction like I understand it now...and what it is like to stop using. I gave up the fix of seeking his approval and actually getting it from time to time. It set up a horrible addictive cycle between us. I got hooked into the abuse cycle...and that became my drug.

Of course, now my husband is promising to change and be different. All of the promises that he has made each of the times that he has been emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive. Each time before I have caved....returned to the web he spun for me with his promises and words. I'm betting that he meant it when he promised it all. The same way that he means it now.

Except that I know that as soon as he gets his "drug" (pulling me back into his web) that he returns to the irritable and unhappy man he really is. He can bring his A game to town to talk me back into staying - except this time. I am gone. And I will not go back. Because the next time he strangles me or hurls a plate at me he might kill me.

No drug is worth that....and so I will keep working it....and get through my withdrawal, my PAWS, my toxicity.....it will get better and I will just keep taking one step after another until the day comes when I am happy, joyous, and free. And the miracle happens - for me. ]]> lightseeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/5841-my-doc.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/5636-wish-i-knew-then.html Mon, 02 May 2011 01:04:49 GMT I was just reflecting on how 6 years ago I found Sober Recovery. At the time I had fallen in love with a man that claimed to be in recovery. Of course, that was a lie. I had never known someone... I was just reflecting on how 6 years ago I found Sober Recovery. At the time I had fallen in love with a man that claimed to be in recovery.

Of course, that was a lie. I had never known someone that could look you in the eyes, answer a question with a lie, and never flinch or flicker. "No, I'm sober" he stated without even the slightest hint at his duplicity.

And so it all began. Yes, he did get sober 5 months later. Yes, I ended up marrying him 16 months after he got sober. I gave it the year you are supposed to give it - and then some. He kept his promises, he went to meetings, he had a sponsor....so I married him.

And then he quit his recovery work. But he stayed sober. And I wouldn't wish living with a sober addict on anyone. I allowed myself to become a captive in his spider web. I should have never married him but I allowed myself to be persuaded into a situation where I had major doubts. I don't blame him and I try not to blame myself. I was doing the best that I could do at the time. He moved into my home and poured concrete (hypothetically and literally) which now has us both stuck....for now.

I pray for a sign, a path, knowledge of the way out. All the while knowing that the only way is to turn it over to God's will. I have grown and changed over the last 6 years and thankfully have stayed in my own recovery to the best of my ability. It's been what has saved my life. I trust that I will know what to do and when to do it if I keep doing the next right thing for me.

I miss the person that I was before he entered my life but have to appreciate the seasoning that this experience has added to my life. I'm ready to reclaim my happiness. I'm scared but I'm working on that......False Evidence Appearing Real, you know. I learning how to truly accept that his character traits are not because of deficits in me. He is the way that he is not because I am not enough. I chose poorly when I chose a mate. This is not a marriage - it's an arrangement.

I'm not asking for sympathy or trying to play a victim card here. I'll take full responsibility for this mess that I am in.

I just hope that even one person that is flamingly in love with an addict will read what I have written. I only stuck around because he got sober. I just didn't realize how important it was for there to more to it.

Drug use is simply a symptom of the true sickness.....a sickness of the soul. It is a sickness that can go into remission but only with a commitment to recovery.

I hope that I can be a cautionary tale to someone. But if they are as sick as I was then I realize that the chances of this helping anyone are few and far between.

But I will continue to be here the same way that those who came before me stay and let people find their own way. We each get it when it's our time. And may the hand of Alanon and Alateen continue to be there to reach out...... ]]> lightseeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/5636-wish-i-knew-then.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/4730-broken-record.html Thu, 02 Dec 2010 16:17:09 GMT I already know the answer to my question. It's because of my insanity. I keep doing the same things and expecting different results. If I explain myself better, if I make it clear, if you know how much it hurts me then you'll be different.

This is when I know to go back to the first step. If I jump right into Step 2 then it won't work. So here I am with Step 1 - yet again.

I am powerless over people, places, and things. I have no power over whether someone is interested in me or regards me. I do have power over myself and whether I stay around. And I do that because I keep thinking (and hoping) that things will get better. And they do - but only for long enough to hook me back into staying once again. What a vicious cycle. So, I get that I am powerless here. The second part of the step is to look out how my life is unmanageable. I feel worn out and sad, disappointed, and angry. That's pretty unmanageable. It's insane that I stay around and fall for the song and dance that everything is going to be good. So, my insanity is getting turned over to HP. This minute. Right now.

I keep trying to fix it, talk it out, make it better. I get in the way of HP showing me the way. I am self seeking. I want it the way that I want it. How about reserving judgement. Actually letting the situation unfold.

So, just for today. I am going to go about my business. I see that I am married to someone that isn't the least bit interested in me or my life. Now I just need to let go. ]]> lightseeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/4730-broken-record.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/4091-acceptance.html Thu, 05 Aug 2010 02:36:46 GMT I am in a grief process because I am finally at the point of acceptance. As I have progressed in my own recovery I've repeatedly experienced having to let go of how I want another person to be.....particularly my husband. And I am beginning to accept that this relationship will never ever be what I want or need.

When he first became sober 5 years ago (he had a 20 year history of cracK addiction) we both committed to lives revolving around recovery and all of it's principles. I never would have married him if he had not convinced me of his sincerity to that commitment.

We did marry and within a month he pulled away from working a recovery program. So, for the last 3 1/2 years I have lived with a man that personifies the label "dry drunk". He also has been diagnosed as being bipolar. He does take a mood stabilizer but pretty much negates that by constantly drinking coffee and getting a major charge from the caffeine.

I have bent myself around every edge and twisted myself into every form to try and find some way to believe that this relationship can work in a way that would be do-able for me. It's just not going to happen though.

When he senses that I am on the way "out the door" there are temporary promises to do better and go back to AA. That always lasts about 1-2 meetings at most. He has a radar that is unbelievable....he knows just when to "clean it up" enough to keep me from actually leaving.

Again and again I believe and hope that "this time" it is going to be different. The saying "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" certainly applies here. So does "don't try and buy bread at the hardware store".

So, although there is always hope I realize that is unlikely that my husband will do the work that would help him to become someone that I like and get along with. I recently learned the term "syntonic". It is used in terms of personality issues. It means that a person's behavior doesn't bother them but it does bother other people. This situation is the working definition of syntonic!

So, acceptance today means that I realize that what I see is what I am going to get. He will give lip service to recovery but that's all it has been since we married. My bottom line was that I did not want to be married to him without his being involved in recovery.

I have become such an advocate of letting someone get sober on their own and demonstrate their sobriety and commitment to recovery for a lengthy period before becoming emotionally involved with them. I wish that I had done that.

If I knew then what I know now I certainly would have made different decisions. But, if I continue to stay in my program then I will get to the point where I no longer regret the past.

There is grief though....but it means that I am finally reaching the place of acceptance.

It's funny about acceptance. While I accept that this is the situation I also realize that I am not willing to accept staying in a relationship that creates this much unhappiness in me. I live with a man whose self-will has run riot. And to think that he is proud that he has been able to stay sober without the help of AA.

Good for him but he's going to be facing the future without me. ]]> lightseeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/4091-acceptance.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/3632-cost-addiction.html Sun, 23 May 2010 05:49:02 GMT I walked into the house and there were all the things that I have been missing for the last 25 years. Where had that brass chest been? And the leather rhino? The brass lamp with the deer? Do... I walked into the house and there were all the things that I have been missing for the last 25 years. Where had that brass chest been? And the leather rhino? The brass lamp with the deer? Do inanimate objects really not have the cellular memory that we as humans have? How can they not remember me when I remember them so clearly?

And then I saw him swaying and moving to the music playing. All of the ways he swayed and moved with me. The light in his eyes and the humor that he brought into each moment. The slight curl of his hair. The little twist in his nose from the fracture when he was little. The scar beneath his eye where the BB hit. The hand that wore my ring.

To spend an evening in his home…with my life, my love. And it was robbed from me. My robber was white and pure. It had no soul. It promised a good time and more to come. It steals your soul. And it stole his. And it stole him from me. It stole him and it stole my life.

I am happy that the vise grib that it had on him is gone. I am glad that he finally did what he needed to do to let the iron jaws of a monster loosen their grip on him. I know that there is no one that can compete with the pull of cocaine. I did not lose to cocaine because in that war there is no possibility for victory…unless it comes from the person that is in battle with that drug.

Only no one realizes that it is a battle until it has you trapped. Up until that moment it appears to be a reciprocal relationship. In fact, a desirable and intoxicating one. No one realizes when they begin the relationship that the only thing that the drug wants is your soul and your life.

To see what was mine in another place and another time left me aching. For what I lost but for also what has happened to me in the wake of that loss. The drug robbed me of my soul and my love and I didn’t even use it. I have spent the last 25 years reacting to the pain and anguish of that loss. And to be in his home tonight – to see what it was that I had and lost. He regained his life and his soul. And I lost mine and haven’t been able to find it again.

I am Jacob Marley without the chance to awaken from my dream. I’ve never been okay since that time. I have tried and I have pretended. I have made do. I’ve made choices in the extremes to try and bring a sense of stability back into my life. Only each choice created more and more extremes. I have pulled further and further away from my center. I have lost the only dream that I really ever had.

The love of my life has found his life again. And because I love him so, I am happy for him.

I loved him from the very first moment that we met and I have never ever stopped loving him. I’ve grown accustomed to the place that that love takes up in my heart. I want it to go away but accept that it has lodged in there and doesn’t seem to be able to leave.

If just seems so unfair. How can the love of my life not be mine any longer? How can I just let it go? Is that why nothing else has ever worked out for me? Have I continually searched for him again and again in others? Please God, if that is what I have done, please let me let that love go.

I didn’t realize how much that broke me and how much I careened from that loss. Tonight, being in his home, being in the home that should have been mine brought it all back. ]]> lightseeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/3632-cost-addiction.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/3561-hole.html Wed, 12 May 2010 17:52:03 GMT All of my life I've felt something internally - even viscerally - that I've referred to as "the hole". I was so shocked one day when I was at an AA meeting and someone referred to the hole. I thought that I was the only one in the world that felt that ...and to find out that there were so many others that felt the same way was such a shock, but also an awakening.

Although today I am feeling a great big old emptiness (aka the hole) inside of me I am aware that I am not alone.

I've been taught that if I take a look at what I'm trying to have some control over and how that is making my life unmanageable I might discover the trail head to helping the emptiness dissipate.

I've been on an emotional drunk for almost the last week now. Emotional drunks for me are when my relationships get in turmoil and I end up feeling like I do right now (which is rather yucky and disheartened btw). I am reacting so someone elses irritability, moods, obsessions, demands, and feelings. No wonder I feel the way that I do. I've given away my emotional sobriety by responding to the unmanageability in someone elses life.

So....back to what I can't control. I need to open my eyes back up to the awareness that I can't control how someone acts, does/doesn't take care of themselves and how that affects them, how someone treats me, or what they are interested in. I can't control whether someone is giving me what I need - even if it is a legitimate need.

My life can get pretty unmanageable when I give my serenity away - I feel sad, eat too much or don't eat at all, lose my joy, and feel despair. Basically, I am not free and happy to enjoy the life that I do have.

So now, it's time to practice detachment with love, stop trying to buy that bread at the hardware store (that I am CONVINCED they will carry someday apparently), and return to the basics. Self care.....rest, nutrition, seeking support where I know it can be found, BOUNDARIES (how close I should stand to the fire), and doing things that I enjoy.

Please God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. ]]> lightseeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/3561-hole.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/3527-ultimate-codependency.html Sun, 09 May 2010 03:19:26 GMT I have been a member of SR for 5 years now. Tonight I had the thought that I wished that I could reach out to the me of 5 years ago and somehow save "her" from the pain and the anguish that was to ensue from her choices.

I realize that seeking to "save" anyone is setting myself up for pain. Even when it is my former self.

So, instead I am working to change the desire to save the 5 years ago me to a supportive role of acceptance, letting go and presence.

I had to laugh that my co-dedendency extends to even myself.

The gift of recovery is the ability to even recognize that though - and to only spend a few moments in that space. If anyone doubts the benefits of learning the slogans then jump inside of my crazy mind. I need default thinking and the slogans are able to quickly grab me back into saner thinking.

So, although I do wish that I could have saved that me from the pain of the last 5 years I also know that each of us is only ready when we are ready. I can't save that me any more than I can save anyone else.

The only thing that I have a chance to do is to take this one day at a time, do the next right thing, and work it. Because, it only works if you work it. And for me, that is the truth. ]]> lightseeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/3527-ultimate-codependency.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/2681-when-does-settling-less-become-unacceptable.html Sun, 09 May 2010 03:07:28 GMT I already know the answer...it's when I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Not sooner, not later.

I can tell that I'm getting sick and tired sooner now though. This week I was at the hosptial with my 14 year old for 6 days. He was having a severe asthma exacerbation due to complications from the H1N1 flu. There were many scary days and he is not out of the woods yet. My husband (his stepfather) managed to call me once a day and came and visited once on my request. Maybe to some people that's a lot but those people aren't me.

The reason that I didn't seek him out on my own is because when I did he primarily was telling me that I was "too wound up" about the situation and that I was spending too much time down at the hospital with my son.

I'm tired of going through life by myself. It's one thing to do it when you are really alone but to have a partner and do it alone seems beside the point. I've applied all of the Alanon principles to my life and have carved out a full and good life separate and apart from him. ]]> lightseeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/2681-when-does-settling-less-become-unacceptable.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/3309-emotional-sobriety.html Fri, 09 Apr 2010 01:55:48 GMT Emotional sobriety has become precious to me. I've finally worked a program long enough that I have finally experienced it from time to time. And it makes me want more.

Recently I taped an argument that my husband was having with me. I say that he was having the argument because I stayed calm and rational throughout his 1 1/2 hour rant. I listened to it again later to better understand my part in it. I had been rather prideful about my staying calm and collected so it was good for me to take a look at myself.

As I listened, I heard someone that was just bashing me about something that was absolutely none of his business. I realized that even though I remained calm that it still really brought me down. I realized when I wasn't right there in it that my side of the street was that I allowed myself to stay present in a situation where I was having my inventory taken and being told what to do. Other people's opinions of me are none of my business. That means not even listening to them in the first place.

In hindsight, I would have retained my emotional sobriety much better if I had firmly stepped away from him. By sticking around and hearing him out I taught him that it was okay to treat me that way.

My problem is that sometimes that I don't know what I'm doing at the time that it is happening. This was a great lesson in learning to take a clearer look at myself. Now I know another one of my character defects and I will work at remaining more conscious.

No one can take my emotional sobriety away from me.....I can give it away though. When I recognize that I am beginning to get upset I'm going to try and pause, step back, reflect, pray, and take good care of myself. Maybe working to stay calm is complicating the situation further. Simply stepping away and taking care of myself actually feels a whole lot better. ]]> lightseeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/3309-emotional-sobriety.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/2616-free-therapy-session.html Fri, 25 Sep 2009 22:48:48 GMT Went to see my therapist today and it turns out that she had gone out of town and the appointment got messed up.

As I left the house my husband commented that I was wasting my money and I don't need her to figure anything out. As I sat and waited for the "not" appointment I pondered his statement. Well, he is definitely right about not needing her to figure anything out. I already know what I know.

I actually was going to see her to seek solace and to uncover maybe another way that I can figure out how to tolerate the intermittant verbal/emotional abuse that I receive from my husband. It's so much better now that it use to be but the remnants remain. There continue to be judgements and "you are" statements (which actually is a form of name calling). This isn't as overt as the emotional abuse in the past but the subtle and covert abuse is soul numbing just the same.

For years now I have fallen prey to my husband's words of remorse and vows for improved behavior and allowed them to be what sucks me back in again and again and again. After a blowup we'll have a stand off. He will argue his points that allow him to feel justified in throwing our agreement to leave judgements and "you are" statements off the table. After several hours he will have some kind of breakthrough and remember that we've agreed to refrain from judgements. He'll sound like he "gets it" that doing that is worng and will have these momentary episodes of clarity. Those moments are what get me every time.

The slogans of recovery tell me that nothing changes if nothing changes. What is it that I am doing that allows the situation to perpetuate? The number one thing that I do is get incensed when I am judged and then jump straight into the frying pan as he justifies his judgements. I argue my point, get incensed, and I thoroughly am triggered.

That's the broken part of me - what would work in that situation is a) detaching and walking away b) detaching and walking away.

Why do I have such a difficult time in actually doing that? Why do I feel so compelled to argue back and prove my point and try to get him to see my side. I don't like his behavior and judgements but I also don't like my response to it.

Next time he judges me I'm going to recognize it for what it is and detach and walk away. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I think I'm addicted to defending myself and being understood but I'm going to walk away. ]]> lightseeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/2616-free-therapy-session.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/2592-burn-out.html Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:46:52 GMT I've always thought of work whenever I've heard the term "burn out". I work in a high stress environment so I'm really atune to watching for that feeling in regards to work.

Lately, I've felt this fatigue, heaviness, dullness, lack of interest, lackadasical feeling about life in general. I've pondered it, prayed about it, meditated about it and have come up with nothing except awareness of it.

I've known that it's not really related to work. Work isn't perfect but it is still something that I am interested in and enjoy. Nope....that isn't it.

What then? Where is this coming from and how come it's not lifting? I sleep, eat, and rest well. I watch out for "HALT". The light bulb just went off and I know what it is now. I am suffering from relationship burn out.

I've gone through my husband finding sobriety and his struggles with recovery thereafter. Clean time, yes. Recovery time, no. I'd rather he just pick up and be gone than what this has been. It's been just tolerable enough to stay but not good enough to feed my soul in any way. In fact, most of my free emotional time is spent patching myself back together after some jerky exchange with him.

Why am I so burned out? Because all of the things that happen to a person that leads them into that state. One of the things about burn out is that you usually don't even realize that that is where you're heading. In hind site I can recognize it all....and it makes perfect sense to me now why I feel this unhappiness and this restlessness. Im tired of a situation that is this tiresome.

So, at least I've identified it but now what?

Take a break. At least figuratively. Focus on me. Let go of wanting anything different. I realized today that I no longer want a happy marriage. I just don't want to be married. That comes as a semi-surprise to me. All of my life all that I wanted was a happy marriage. Now I've figured out other things to want. I give up. It's not in the cards for me. I'm worn out. If I can ever get out of this one I'm finally free to be....I've never before been without the yearn for that type of happiness. Now I don't even want it...anywhere or with anyone. I've convinced myself that it's not possible for me. I realize that other people can do it/have that but for whatever reasons, I am not one of them. I'm not fighting that any longer. I get it.

The only thing that I want now is serenity and peace. Living around my husband continues to be the number one way I sabatouge myself in obtaining that.

More will be revealed. You can't heal what you can't name...and I've named it Relationship Burnout.

Let the healing begin. ]]> lightseeker http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/blogs/lightseeker/2592-burn-out.html